Tag: CommitmentIssues

Me And My Commitment Issues

Usually, or often, it is us women who blame the men that they don’t want to commit, but here I am, still sitting in my stripy blue/white cotton short pyjamas, holding my hands up, admitting that I have commitment issues!

I might even go so far as to say, I am a commitment phobe!

When you think of commitment, you think (romantic) relationships. Well okay, let’s start there:

Before my husband, I have been in relationships. Some longer, some maybe just a couple of month, weeks even. At some point I either got bored ore annoyed or I cheated which meant I would walk out of the relationship anyway. However, at some point I was told, I don’t have a heart because I just didn’t want to fully commit to the relationship. What was the reasonable thing to do? I walked away. All I ever wanted was easy peasy relationships and if that didn’t work out, even after a (lame) attempt to fix it, I just quit. Someone once proposed to me. The way and the ring was all wrong but I went with it at first. But every time I looked at the ring it made me sweat, I felt physically ill even thinking about being married (to that guy). I just couldn’t do it! I didn’t want this!

And even now that I am (happily) married, I often find it hard to stay committed which has nothing to do with wanting other men or romantic feelings it has more to do with me just wanting to do what I want, when I want. But when you are married, and you have children and a house together, you can’t just walk away when something annoys you, you have to work it out which sometimes can drive one (me) mental. And of course there is the thing that I am a flirt which drives hubby to his ends wits. But hey I am what I am, just can’t help it.

Am I committed to my friends? Here I can give you a big fat YES! I am loyal to my friends and I know they know it! Though sometimes I fear because of the distance some of my friends could just befriend other nice people…. hahahaha who am I kidding here?! There is no better friend but me! Ts, the thought alone….

But except from friendships I can’t seem to commit to anything!

I can’t commit to a hairstyle or length. I think I had almost every haircut possible in my 40 years.

I also can’t commit to a style clothes wise. I wore everything from hippie, to punk, 50s 90s….But one thing I never do: I never go with the latest trend. The things you currently find in my cupboard is lots of Fred Perry, skirts and long floaty dresses. And cashmere cardigans and jumpers. No jeans! And only two Fred Perry chinos for terrible weather.

When it comes to jobs it is the same thing: I studied to become a legal secretary but after 3 years I got trained to become a piercer. Two years ago I studied to become a sports massage therapist. Do I still work as a therapist? Of course not! Past summer I went to Ireland for work. I left after 2 month because I didn’t like Dublin (sorry Dubliners). Now I work in hospitality again and the only thing me not leaving is because the drive is only 25 minutes! I received an invitation for a job interview (two days ago) as a typist in Edinburgh city centre. I did not reply… yet. It would be more money, but also far more travel time. I would need to get to the next train station as everyone who ever went to Edinburgh in morning rush hour does understand why I don’t want to drive. Awful. Just awful. I mean if I switch jobs again, my CV looks like I do nothing but job hopping… Decisions, decisions…

A place to live? I can’t even commit to that! Yes, we bought a house and the area is lovely. But I would love to go much further north west! I feel restless thinking about living here for the rest of my life! I thought it’s what I want, what I need. But once again, I am wrong. I love moving house, I love seeing new places.

I can’t even commit to my WordPress. Instead of writing and committing to one topic, I write about everything and nothing.

Maybe commitment in my case equals boredom. Or maybe the feeling that if I commit I am stuck and don’t move forward.

Life is full of exciting opportunities and I just don’t want to miss out on anything, I guess. Does it make me sad that I can’t commit? No! I like the way I am! I am full of life and want to take it all!

So I try to keep on running. I mean, flying! Flying sounds much nicer. Flying wherever the wind blows me!


The commitment issue

I was told a few times, I should come and join a running club, see what it is like and every time my reply is

“Yes, I might”.

And I really mean it when I say it. But later on when the the deadline for the day comes closer, I find a million reasons not to go…. bad weather, maybe the other runners are much faster than me and I would hold them back… my running tights are not washed (all 5!) and/or I put weight on and can’t squeeze into them, are just a few.

Every time when I finish a good book, I put it in my cupboard to the others with the good intention to pass them on to my children. But after some time, sometimes even years, I start to sort books out, because my cupboard looks so untidy, the heavy weight could damage the wood, the books are not appropriate for the children and so on.

The same goes for clothes, I want to squirrel them away but start to feel uneasy with so many things I don’t wear anymore. Off to the next recycling bin.

Sadly the same happened with best friends. Only that they didn’t up in a recycling bin but then again, who knows? At some point even though I thought real friendships last forever, it came to a split. After trying and trying to make a friendship work, I just chucked them!

In the last 15 years I moved house 9 or 10 times. If I stay too long at some place I get nervous. I needed a change of scenery. I knew my surroundings. Why stay put?

Oh totally forgotten to mention the little voice in my head, or maybe it is a little devil sitting on my shoulder, saying when it came to boyfriends:

“Is that it? Was that all? Surely there must be more!” followed from THE SPEECH which always went like this

“I am sorry, but I don’t love you and this is me, splitting up from you!”

Exactly like that to make sure, they get it and know there is no way to talk me out of it!

I can’t even make plans. If I want to go shopping or for a trip, I decide a few hours or even only minutes beforehand. If I want to go for holidays, I decide just before the school term ends. Who knows what for other exciting possibilities are waiting for me?

Not even my skin care routine/products are the same long term wise. Maybe one day they won’t produce my current favourite items anymore and then what?!

So here you go, I say it all aloud:

I (think) I have commitment issues!!! But I am not unhappy about it because on the other hand, maybe it is just another way to keep the door open!