It Is My Fault

My marriage failed and though I ended it, it is totally my fault!

When I met my husband, he was a happy and carefree guy, but over the years I made him really miserable…despite the fact he says it was the best years of his life!

We know what went wrong along the way, we tried to fix it. Believe me, we tried so many times and for a while it would be all okay but than it would start all over again and in the end I couldn’t take it anymore.

My feelings are so far gone, they will never come back and so I broke my husbands heart and quit. I am usually not a quitter! I fight till the very end. But unfortunately there is nothing left to fight for.

And it really pains me to see him so sad, but I can’t pretend to be someone I am not. I just can’t as it would feel like a lie and I don’t lie and he doesn’t deserve to be lied at.

Of course I still feel affection for him and want us to be a family and do things together. Just not on a romantic level or couple level.

Nobody except our two older children knows, yet. I might just tell the whole world here on my blog, but no one in my family or friends read my blog…. We didn’t tell the little ones because we still get along very well and live under one roof. And we don’t want to put them through the pain.

And when someone separates, gets divorced, splits up, it is never a happy occasion you want to shout from the rooftops…

Yes, sooner or later we will tell, but for now we wait until everything smoothes over a bit. And yes, sooner or later I will move out with the little babies as my husband pays the mortgage and so of course he will keep the house and that is okay!

Once again I have been selfish. I put myself, my happiness, first and in the long run probably made everyone unhappy, but it felt like I couldn’t breath anymore.

All I know is that I will be a far more better friend to my husband than a wife. I know it is not what he wants, but he will realise it will be what he needs! He knows what I am like with my friends, I do most anything for them!

He puts on a brave face most of the time, but I know he isn’t in a good place and I want to kick myself in the backside for not warning him when we met.

It is so easy to fall in love with me! But what you really need is a very thick skin and tons, tons and tons of patience! I guess I am just too wild, or call it immature, it is what it is.

I didn’t make any future plans, yet. I just want all of us to be happy as a family.

My husband is not to blame here. Yes, I accused him of being way to jealous and controlling, but would I have given him the attention he so badly needed he wouldn’t have behaved the way he did. So this is on me!

He is a great guy and though he doesn’t want to hear anything about it, one day he will meet a great woman who deserves nothing but the best- and that is him!


How I Start My Morning

Every day my Lumie clock wakes me at 5:45am sharp. I turn off the sounds which resembles a very loud river. Then I reach for my mobile, check the weather, my emails and message and my bank balance.

I get up pretty much straight away, go in the kitchen and turn on the radio, searching for a good song and turn up the volume.

Depending on weather I go running or exercise at home, I eat a banana (for the run) or train on empty stomach, doing a mix of single leg deadlifts, weighted squats, yoga and stretching, sometimes I also throw in some kettlebell moves.

I have time till 8am latest, than I have to shower, pack food for work and off I go. Somewhere in-between I tidy up and cook.

I am a morning person, but through all the above, I do not really like to talk in the morning and am rather grumpy.

Right now I am still in my nighty, mentally getting ready for exercise. But I am still quite tired from medication I took last night…

Better not waste my day off and get going.



Scottish Country Roads

Let me tell you something about Scottish country roads:

Our roads are cute, cozy, narrow roads. Everyone who lives in Scotland knows that. We, who live here, know that when it is wet, you just slow down a bit. Same applies when you take a road you are not that familiar with. If another car comes from the opposite direction, we also slow down a bit. If a big truck squeezes itself through. We just stop, because, yes you guessed it, we are pooooliiiite!

Now, it is summer time. It is tourist time. Most tourists come from down south. That’s great! We love to have you up here. And hopefully the following does not offend you but let me tell you something very important:

When you come up and you are not used to our cute, cozy, narrow roads, just slow down a bit. A BIT, I said. Not 20+ miles beyond the tempo limit!!! And if you can’t get your teeth out of your steering wheel because you are about to wee yourself, pull over and let us, who know the roads, pass by! Don’t be a hindrance, that would be great.

Also: Under no circumstance, I repeat: Under no circumstance should you gesticulate to someone to move over, when you are already on their side of the road! Oh no, do not do that!  You might think you do, but in fact, you do not drive a tank!!!

Oh, nearly forgot: You also don’t have to break every single time just because you hit a corner. I am sure you foot is not glued to the pedal, so just take if off for a few seconds (works wonders) The constant flashing of your break lights is like teasing a bull! And we don’t want that, right?!

Thanks for listening. Much appreciated!


New Level Of Stupidity

The other day at work. Please picture the following:

The task: Put a twin bed back together to a double bed and get it ready.

To do so, you would push the two beds back together, lock it at the bottom and also zip it in the middle to prevent it from sliding apart. Followed by bedding.

One girl who was assigned to the task, pushed the bed together, didn’t lock or zip it, put a double sheet on with the mattress topper half way out at the end. She then takes a double duvet cover and puts in a single (!!!) duvet, puts it on top of the bed, still with the mattress topper hanging out at the end to the floor. Pillows on top.

I don’t know how that is possible but ladies and gentlemen,

a new level of stupidity has been reached! Please, someone let it rain brains!!!


Tested My Own Theory

A while ago I wrote a post about crying and why it does nothing to you.

So there I was,  more or less three weeks ago, testing my own theory.

And I was NOT a willing participate, I might ad!

But unfortunately my flood gates thought otherwise. I was literally crying my eyes out, bawling and hugging my whiskey bottle.

I cried when it happened on my way to work, during work, on my way back home (fortunately no one saw my sorry state) and finally at home in bed.

I cried for days… many, many days. Every time I thought I was getting better, something set me off and I had difficulties to swallow my hot tears back down.

Do I still cry? No! I feel numb and sad.

The result is still as it was in my actual post:

Crying does nothing to you! And it certainly does not make you feel better!!!

Quite the opposite actually: All it does, it exhausts you and makes you look like a fat ugly toad!

But apparently sometimes it can’t be helped!

Still proud that my theory is right, though (clapping myself on the shoulder)!


Focus? Non Existent!

I got home from work an hour ago and guess what?!

I still sit here with my sweaty ass work clothes on the kitchen table, not knowing what to do with myself…

I got back from work, fetched the kittens and went to the vet, got back, ate, ate too much actually and now I am sitting here…

The shower is calling my name, but all I want is to put my head on the kitchen table and just stare ahead as I can’t focus on anything!

I think I should get my backside up and go running tomorrow morning before work. That is if the weather isn’t too bad as we are expecting severe downpours with flooding.

Sooo… I will mull the running bit over while I take a nice, long, cold shower. Up I go… SIGH.


Just Say It

The song of your voice is always on my mind

I take one step at the time

But the sun

That once shone just for me

Seems so far away

I might never reach it

Ever again

I wish you would

Just say something

To set my heart free

As right now

It is heavy

And frozen

And unbearable

So just say it

Tell me what you desire

Is it my hands

You wish on your body

Caressing you

My lips on yours

To never stop

A voice that whispers

Sweet nothings in your ear

What do you want

What do you need

Just say it





I am very good in multitasking! And in getting drunk for no a (whatever) reason!

While I am off today, the weather is great for good old Scotland, I am sitting here in my living room, listening to the fabulous           Teskey Brothers (for anyone who loves real good voices/music, not the pop crap that you hear 24/7 in radio, check them out!) while at the same time I am stuffing my face with crisps, drinking whiskey and working on another post!

The music is on full blast, my living room door shut and my thoughts all over the place.



We Can’t Stay In the Moment

The babies (yes, I know they are hardly babies but to me they will be even when they are all grown up one day) and me went for a short break up to Findhorn. While it was land-under-pouring-down in mid Scotland, we spend two lovely warm days at the beach!

The picture below pretty much sums it up:

I wanted to stay in that moment forever! It was just us, we had fun, it was peaceful, we didn’t rush. But the world does not stop spinning only because one want it to. And I know the clouds who are overcasting everything will eventually move for the sun to shine. I just don’t know when….