Fight your inner demon

We all have demons, skeletons and secrets. We keep them secret, bury and try to hide them. But what good does it do? As for me, I try to fight them. I am a born fighter! Always was, always will be. I have a nice sticker which I use as bookmarker. It says

667 one step ahead of the devil

I think it is a clothes brand  but every time I look at my “bookmarker” it reminds me not to give up no matter what!

My inner demon is my eating disorder.

I never was a good eater. I was always picky, only looked at the greens with disgust. Often a big wooden cook spoon was placed next to my plate in case I didn´t eat up. It made me sick and I was frightened. As frightened as a little girl can be and was often used. I think, that was how it begun in the first place but a nip from a boy my age (back then 14) in the rips triggered it eventually. I could feel how he grabbed my “fat” and I felt disgusted and embarrassed though he didn´t even say anything or gave me a look. And my so called fat was just a bit baby fat most teenagers have. 

I didn´t want to eat anymore. I tried to eat less  to lose some pounds, I bought little calorie books and started to count calories. But at some point I got so hungry I ate all kind of food I found in the house and before I knew I was so full that I made myself sick. All my thoughts where about food. I had good days and not so good days. No one realized my condition. I hid it well until I got to a point, where I was so exhausted and felt so ill, I couldn´t even keep an apple down so I went to my doctor to seek help. She was very shocked. I explained my condition, told her my days. My weight back then was 78 pounds by 154cm. I don´t know if she wanted to give me a good fright (I don´t think so) but she said something I will never forget:

“If you keep this up, you will be dead within 2 month maximum- is that what you want?”

No that was not what I wanted. I wanted to live! To be happy again! I didn´t want to have a worry in the world. So with a little help from my doctor (weekly weight sessions and a bit of a talk) I got better. I had ups and downs for 6 years and realized that when I am stressed, worried or angry about something, I started to punish me in the form of either not eating or binge-eating and therefor making me sick. But than I got pregnant for the first time and knew when I want a healthy baby I have to stop that straight away which I did.

Today I don´t consider me as healed. But I can say I am not anorexic or bulimic anymore.  But I do still have an eating disorder. When I eat I can´t really enjoy it, I still know how much calories it has and I can´t stash up on sweets as I would eat them all at once. It is like “when they are gone, they can´t harm me anymore”. And when I eat a lot one day, I try to eat healthier or exercise a bit more the other day. But I fight! I fight every single day because I want to live and because I don´t want to lose faith. Faith in myself that I can make it.

If we would all lose faith, this world, this mankind would be lost. Hope is what keeps us alive, it is what keeps me alive. Life itself can be so beautiful, you just have to embrace it.


Acrostic Poem

Hear I stay
Excited I unwrap your heart
Layer after
Layer until nothing is left but pure evilness

Greatly you offer me your heart
I am eager to unwrap it just to
Find me wondering why
This heart contains nothing but coldness

Windows to my soul

The windows to my soul are like the deep wide ocean

Swim in it but don´t loose yourself

The windows to my soul are like summer rain upon your skin

So warm and yet so cold

The windows to my soul are like an open book

You can read and read but can´t reach the end

The windows to my soul are like little butterflies in your belly

They excite you but are easy to destroy

The windows to my soul come in all different types of colours

So beautiful, so bright, so warm

The windows to my soul

Sweet Selfishness

I really like to sit on the kitchen counter! I sit there and eat my lunch, dinner or a snack while sometimes the rest of the family sits in unison in the dining room eating and chatting away.

I also love to sneak into the kitchen, open the cupboard where the sweeties are stuffed inside, take the desired sweet out and munch them very quickly while sitting in a corner on the floor, hoping I don´t get caught.

Sometimes I get up very early in the morning, grab my running kit and make my way out of the house as quick I can, so I can go for a run. ALONE. First thing without doing anything else household wise.

When I go shopping for food, it is mostly veg and fruit what everyone can eat. But sometimes, specially when I am hungry (yes, I know, I shouldn´t go shopping when the belly is rumbling), I buy some treats without thinking of my children or husband. Just for myself. To my defense, it´s not that I don´t want them to have something nice too, I just forget about them.

And though my husband goes to work every day, it happens that I get him up early saturdays, because I want a sleep-in. At least every now and then.

Yes, at the first moment, all the above seem very selfish, I totally agree. But there are always two stories, right?

I like to eat alone in the kitchen, because sometimes I just need some peace, specially early in the morning. Don´t get me wrong, I am a morning person and yet I don´t want to talk much in the morning.

And when I get up early in the morning for my run, I call it my “me-time”. I get up and out with music on my ears and enjoy the peace while running hills up and down until my thighs are burning and I think I need an oxygen-tent, but you know what? I love it!

If you think, I am selfish, because I go shopping and up with treats just for my belly, you are wrong again. I do so, because there are still treats at home for the children and because I know my husband wants to lose a few more pounds and it would be too tempting if I bow and scrape around him with sweets half falling out of my mouth!

And if I demand a sleep-in it is my right! I deserve it! Why? Because I am tired most of the day! My son Cash still sleeps in our bed and like most babies is tossing back and forth and moves around in his sleep which interferes mine.

I try to keep the house clean (sometimes more, sometimes less), I raise four children, need to prepare lunch before my husband leaves at around 7:30am (!), I wash, I cook, I buy food, I walk one of my children to school and pick her back up, with a toddler in the buggy. Did I mention each way takes around 30 minutes because school-child demands to take her balance bike, but runs out of energy so mummy needs to push both, buggy and child on bike?

And when I am really lucky, both little ones sleep after lunch for 1 1/2 hours, so I can do the household just in time to (when they wake up) go out for walkies and/or to the playground.

Selfish? Who calls me selfish?! If taking my time and things I want is called selfish, well then I am proud to admit: Yes, I am a selfish person but don´t feel bad about it!!!


This is just not my day!

This is just not my day. I should have known the very second I opened my eyes when I heard Cash open the bedroom door for the very first time and I had to jump out of bed to prevent him from falling down the stairs. I was still so tired and barely could keep my eyes open. It was 6:30am. I had to get up anyway to get my children ready for school. I still wonder how my baby grew so much over night?!

So after I got all children ready, I checked my emails quickly just to find a response from a Ebay member about a case I opened regarding a missing item due to an incorrect postcode, saying that it is my own fault. Yes, it is. But only partially as in Paypal I provided the correct postcode and he could have checked with me before sending the item off to prevent any hassles. Instead he offered me to buy another item of him and would refund me, incase the missing one gets back to his address. Nice! And no thanks!

After that I received a scissor I bought from Ebay which was stated as “nearly new and very sharp”, but when I cut my daughters hair, I didn´t find it very sharp. I spend 75£!!! It is a Joewell scissor and for this amount of money and the description “nearly new” I expect it to be immaculate. Obviously I am dreaming.

Than my children and me had to walk, no, march to camp (a 30 minutes walk) for a doctor’s appointment only to be told, that we missed this appointment. My husband said it was 3:45- he mixed that up with one of his appointments. I was so angry with him, trying to phone him 3 times and because he didn´t answer the phone it made me even more angry, so I send him a very nasty text message (I apologized later when he finally phoned me and I cooled down), still sweating from that walk in the burning english sun (did I mention it is very very hilly in North Yorkshire???), with a whinging 3-year-old on the buggy board, a 12-year-old complaining she doesn´t want to walk so far and a 14-year-old who was quite exhausted by pushing the buggy with Cash in it! And I sweated even more on the way back because the whinging of my little daughter turned into loud sobs and screams, that she wanted skittles after the doctor but she hasn´t been to the doctor. After I told her, that we still could go to the shop and get her skittles she was all smiles only for Cash to start crying, because he wanted to be on Deans (my 14-year-old son) shoulders. That crying and whinging continued all the way on Deans shoulders, in the shop and at home as well. The only minutes he was quiet was when I fed him the home-made cheese sticks I did. Well they supposed to be cheese sticks, only that they looked like flat mush pancakes. At least I didn´t burn them and they actually tasted good, despite the fact that I am not the best cook.

I was on my feet the whole day and all I actually wanted to do was to sit on the sofa and read my gossip newspapers and Cosmopolitan (Cosmopolitan doesn´t count as gossip, does it? Maybe fashion and beauty gossip!) I bought this morning. They are still laying on my green drawer in the livingroom, mocking me, because they know I am just too tired. It is only 7:41pm but I am already in my pyjama and will go straight to bed after I finished this blog!

Tomorrow (surely) will be a better day. My running clothes are already next to my bed. So no excuses. Cash and me will drop off Cailleach in school and then we will run. Well I run while pushing him in his running stroller. But for now: Off to bed…


So far away

You are so far away and yet so close

I can´t see you but  feel you all around me

You are so far away and yet so close

I can´t hear you but your words are echoing in my mind

You are so far away and yet so close……