Windows to my soul

The windows to my soul are like the deep wide ocean

Swim in it but don´t loose yourself

The windows to my soul are like summer rain upon your skin

So warm and yet so cold

The windows to my soul are like an open book

You can read and read but can´t reach the end

The windows to my soul are like little butterflies in your belly

They excite you but are easy to destroy

The windows to my soul come in all different types of colours

So beautiful, so bright, so warm

The windows to my soul

Sweet Selfishness

I really like to sit on the kitchen counter! I sit there and eat my lunch, dinner or a snack while sometimes the rest of the family sits in unison in the dining room eating and chatting away.

I also love to sneak into the kitchen, open the cupboard where the sweeties are stuffed inside, take the desired sweet out and munch them very quickly while sitting in a corner on the floor, hoping I don´t get caught.

Sometimes I get up very early in the morning, grab my running kit and make my way out of the house as quick I can, so I can go for a run. ALONE. First thing without doing anything else household wise.

When I go shopping for food, it is mostly veg and fruit what everyone can eat. But sometimes, specially when I am hungry (yes, I know, I shouldn´t go shopping when the belly is rumbling), I buy some treats without thinking of my children or husband. Just for myself. To my defense, it´s not that I don´t want them to have something nice too, I just forget about them.

And though my husband goes to work every day, it happens that I get him up early saturdays, because I want a sleep-in. At least every now and then.

Yes, at the first moment, all the above seem very selfish, I totally agree. But there are always two stories, right?

I like to eat alone in the kitchen, because sometimes I just need some peace, specially early in the morning. Don´t get me wrong, I am a morning person and yet I don´t want to talk much in the morning.

And when I get up early in the morning for my run, I call it my “me-time”. I get up and out with music on my ears and enjoy the peace while running hills up and down until my thighs are burning and I think I need an oxygen-tent, but you know what? I love it!

If you think, I am selfish, because I go shopping and up with treats just for my belly, you are wrong again. I do so, because there are still treats at home for the children and because I know my husband wants to lose a few more pounds and it would be too tempting if I bow and scrape around him with sweets half falling out of my mouth!

And if I demand a sleep-in it is my right! I deserve it! Why? Because I am tired most of the day! My son Cash still sleeps in our bed and like most babies is tossing back and forth and moves around in his sleep which interferes mine.

I try to keep the house clean (sometimes more, sometimes less), I raise four children, need to prepare lunch before my husband leaves at around 7:30am (!), I wash, I cook, I buy food, I walk one of my children to school and pick her back up, with a toddler in the buggy. Did I mention each way takes around 30 minutes because school-child demands to take her balance bike, but runs out of energy so mummy needs to push both, buggy and child on bike?

And when I am really lucky, both little ones sleep after lunch for 1 1/2 hours, so I can do the household just in time to (when they wake up) go out for walkies and/or to the playground.

Selfish? Who calls me selfish?! If taking my time and things I want is called selfish, well then I am proud to admit: Yes, I am a selfish person but don´t feel bad about it!!!

Franky

This is just not my day!

This is just not my day. I should have known the very second I opened my eyes when I heard Cash open the bedroom door for the very first time and I had to jump out of bed to prevent him from falling down the stairs. I was still so tired and barely could keep my eyes open. It was 6:30am. I had to get up anyway to get my children ready for school. I still wonder how my baby grew so much over night?!

So after I got all children ready, I checked my emails quickly just to find a response from a Ebay member about a case I opened regarding a missing item due to an incorrect postcode, saying that it is my own fault. Yes, it is. But only partially as in Paypal I provided the correct postcode and he could have checked with me before sending the item off to prevent any hassles. Instead he offered me to buy another item of him and would refund me, incase the missing one gets back to his address. Nice! And no thanks!

After that I received a scissor I bought from Ebay which was stated as “nearly new and very sharp”, but when I cut my daughters hair, I didn´t find it very sharp. I spend 75£!!! It is a Joewell scissor and for this amount of money and the description “nearly new” I expect it to be immaculate. Obviously I am dreaming.

Than my children and me had to walk, no, march to camp (a 30 minutes walk) for a doctor’s appointment only to be told, that we missed this appointment. My husband said it was 3:45- he mixed that up with one of his appointments. I was so angry with him, trying to phone him 3 times and because he didn´t answer the phone it made me even more angry, so I send him a very nasty text message (I apologized later when he finally phoned me and I cooled down), still sweating from that walk in the burning english sun (did I mention it is very very hilly in North Yorkshire???), with a whinging 3-year-old on the buggy board, a 12-year-old complaining she doesn´t want to walk so far and a 14-year-old who was quite exhausted by pushing the buggy with Cash in it! And I sweated even more on the way back because the whinging of my little daughter turned into loud sobs and screams, that she wanted skittles after the doctor but she hasn´t been to the doctor. After I told her, that we still could go to the shop and get her skittles she was all smiles only for Cash to start crying, because he wanted to be on Deans (my 14-year-old son) shoulders. That crying and whinging continued all the way on Deans shoulders, in the shop and at home as well. The only minutes he was quiet was when I fed him the home-made cheese sticks I did. Well they supposed to be cheese sticks, only that they looked like flat mush pancakes. At least I didn´t burn them and they actually tasted good, despite the fact that I am not the best cook.

I was on my feet the whole day and all I actually wanted to do was to sit on the sofa and read my gossip newspapers and Cosmopolitan (Cosmopolitan doesn´t count as gossip, does it? Maybe fashion and beauty gossip!) I bought this morning. They are still laying on my green drawer in the livingroom, mocking me, because they know I am just too tired. It is only 7:41pm but I am already in my pyjama and will go straight to bed after I finished this blog!

Tomorrow (surely) will be a better day. My running clothes are already next to my bed. So no excuses. Cash and me will drop off Cailleach in school and then we will run. Well I run while pushing him in his running stroller. But for now: Off to bed…

Franky

So far away

You are so far away and yet so close

I can´t see you but  feel you all around me

You are so far away and yet so close

I can´t hear you but your words are echoing in my mind

You are so far away and yet so close……

My childhood (painful memories)

Do you ever catch yourself watching other parents with their children or staring at your friends interaction with their parents? I do. Often. I have seen friends with their parents and I often wonder how it come that they have such a loving relationship to each other. Normally it should be the most common thing in the world. Normally.

When I was little my mother was very strict with me. I had to follow her rules and if I didn´t my bum often felt a wooden or plastic cook spoon. She had to buy one at least once a month! Reasons for her to discipline me where, I came home dirty, having bad grades in school or didn´t want to eat my supper. Once my teacher asked me why I was so bruised and I replied “I fell”. She must have guessed something.

My father never did anything to stop her. I believe it was because he didn´t want to be between the lines.

If I did something wrong, my mother punished me by taking tv and music out of my room and I was grounded, also once she didn´t speak to me for almost a whole year, only because my boyfriend, whom she didn´t even know, was a lot older than me.

Point is: Though she admitted a few years ago, that she made mistakes, I can´t trust her or my father in the way parent and child should. I always tried to please them to get their attention to make it right or better but no matter what I did, it felt like I wasn´t good enough. I felt unloved and unwanted for a long time. After a while I stopped looking for approval because I knew, if I ever want to survive this world, I have to make it without my parents love. I have to get away from them as far I can to make me feel good. I have to make my own decisions without thinking about how they may react and finally I felt better. I felt free.

Nowadays when my mother hangs the phone up on me and sulks, I just think “well at least I have some peace from her for a couple of weeks” and smile to myself. She is not getting the better of me anymore! We get along now but still, I gaze in awe at other parent/child relationships and sometimes think, I am missing out. I always say “… to have my family is like having no family…” because when you feel unsupported and unloved it is just like that.

But then I read the books from Martha Long https://marthalong.wordpress.com/

This lady, who, having went through so much, through so many horrible and evil things, but against all odds she made it and she came out of it so strongly – and I thought “who am I to pity myself? That lady made it, compared to her childhood mine was pure cotton candy on a fair”. Get a grip, pull yourself together and live your life, enjoy it, who knows what comes tomorrow, you only have one life to live!

And that is what I do: I life my live without regrets, I never give up on things and I never lose faith!

Franky

Bloggers Recognition Award

Much thanks to Sarah Emmerling (Em) from bipolarbytes.com

http://bipolarbytes.com/author/emmerling0014

for nominating me for the Blogger Recognition Award.

I started my blog to find out what to do with myself in the future. For that I have two years time. Two years, because then my youngest spawn Cash will join school like his three siblings. And that means, I need to find a job. We have a lot of children and somehow some when I should and need to support my hubby with a bit of money. Actually I am trained secretary for the court. That was my very first job and so not for me… I had a lot of jobs from maid in a posh hotel, piercer in a tattoo shop, call centre over postman (gosh that was hard work, but I loved to be outdoors, even in the middle of winter in the snow, falling down slippery stairs and dropping letters in the snow, still feel sorry for the sloppy letters/customers) until I ended up working for airports which I loved as well. But now I live in the countryside with no airport in sight or earshot so what to do with my life? Maybe I tidy out barns OR who knows, maybe I am talented enough or can improve my writing skills (definitely needs improvement) to be heard by others. Get followers and make a living somehow. But even if I can´t live from it or earn a bit pocket-money with my writing maybe, maybeee I am funny enough for others to read my blog!

I got the good advice to write a list. A list about things I want to write, which helps me to sort things out and know where to start. Of course I am happy for any advice I can get, so don´t hold back!

Bloggers Recognition Award

The purpose of this award is to motivate and encourage bloggers and let them know that they’re appreciated, no matter how big or small their blog is. The idea is to share the love;  so at the end of this post I will be tagging 15 more bloggers who I’d love to nominate!

The guidelines are as follows:

1. Start a new post. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

2. Next, include a brief story of how and why you started your blog

3. Then, share some advice or “lessons learned” for new bloggers

4. Finally, select up to 15 other blogs deserving of recognition and list them in your post. Publish it!

5. Last but not least, let the nominees know you have nominated them and provide a link to the nomination details (the post you just published).

6.  Go back to the person who nominated you and leave a comment with a link to your acceptance of the award!

So now it is my turn to nomate:

Well I only nominated 8 people/blogs. Reason is, I am still new to this site and don´t have more blogs I am currently following and don´t want to ad more blogs just to fulfill the number 15- I hope that is okay. Surely I will follow more blogs over the time but therefor I have to read into them first!