A gorgeous hunk (of a man)!

Many times I was told, that I´ve got a heart cold as steel when I dumped a boyfriend. When I realized that the crush I once had, was mistaken by just excitment and even that died, I knew I had to end things. So either I did it face to face or when my back then boyfriend lived too far away over the telephone.

Of course I shuddered by the thought of ending things- again. But I just said it like it was:

Hello, I want to end things because I am not in love with you.”

And once it was out I felt really good, relieved that it was over and that person out of my life.  Only one time I felt really sorry and thought maybe it is easier not to contact, phone or see him so he would get the hint. But noooo, one day he just showed up on my doorstep all loved up. With his clothes for a whole weekend (he lived one hour away) and I thought “oh great what does he want? That is Mr. Stupidity in person!” But still feeling sorry (for the first and last time in my life) I let him, my annoyance was written all over my face and I questioned him “what do you want here? Actually I had plans. And what is that for a big disgusting spot on your face?!”

No kiss or anything for the entire weekend and he still didn´t get the hint. After a week he phoned me to ask if anything was okay (bing, finally) and I said it like it is:

“Actually I thought you would get the hint, but since you don´t I wanted to tell you that I am dumping you.”

He took it like a real man, what he didn´t take like a real man was my request not to phone me ever again, because we broke up and I didn´t even want to be friends with him anymore. I think he phoned me three more times until he gave up…

My mother says I am a cold fish, only because it happens that sometimes I forget birthdays. My mothers and fathers. Yes, that happens, so what? They have forgotten some of my birthdays as well but the world is still moving. But apparently the fact that they have forgotten mine is something different! Do I make a fuss, no, because I don´t care!

I do have one dear friend who had to get used to me at first, though we get along very well and have a lot in common, but the way I am, the way I tell/say thinks, so blunt, sometimes she was taken aback but also told me straight away. Of course I have told her, that my intention wasn´t to hurt her feelings and that she shouldn´t take offence and thinks I say personal.

I am the kind of person who teaches her children not to start a fight because that is very wrong. People who start a fight can´t articulate. BUT if they get hit by someone, they have to fight back as fast and strong they can and also that they shouldn´t be scared. Yes, maybe they receive a good (or bad) batter, but the other person will think twice before trying it again! I should know, the man or rather the boy back then inside me was involved in some fights during my school years. Yes, maybe I´ve risked a big lip every now and then, but I never started a fight, that was just to defend me and my dignity!!!

I am also the kind of person who just leaves the house without leaving a note and come back whenever I please. I don´t even think about to take my mobile. Happens.

To be honest, I am glad I am a woman. I am certain I would be an awful man! I mean, my ego is already so huge, it doesn´t fit through any door!

If I was a man for a week ( a day would not be enough), I would look incredible hot. Tall, bald, well-built, green eyes, full lips and tattooed from head to toe. I would be one of the bad guys, a hard bastard. I wouldn´t settle until at least mid 40 and would have (protected) fun with a lot of women. I would have drinks (ooooh nice whisky) with my mates in clubs at weekends and end up with a girl (or two?), having hot rough sex the whole night and once I am finished, I would dismiss her, roll around and fall asleep (just like I do it with my husband!!! ooops did I really just admit that?!)

Of course I would be succesful in my job! Ruthless I would rule my company, take what I want and command my staff but as long they do excellent they would get well paid!

But I am just a good-looking woman with a huge ego who is a bid narcissistic with  a hot bad ass husband who leaves the bad ass attitude outside the house and I am doing just fine!


Where have you been Poem Assignment 5

I travel from west to east

From north to south

My search seems endless

Where have you gone, my love, where have you gone?

Exhausted I rest

I just can´t do it anymore

I am tired and hang my head

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up

A  smile on your face you ask

Where have you been my love, where have you been?

Two strangers drowning in tears engaging in a kiss so warm like the summer rain

Where have you been my love, where have you been?

Bad habits? I don´t have bad habits!!!

My husband says, I do have bad habits and I should get rid of them, immediately!

According to my husband it is very disgusting to leave tissues on the floor wherever I walk. But to my defence I must say, it would be a waste to toss them in the bin after only one use. Yeah, it might be a bit disgusting, but is it really a bad habit?

He also thinks it is rancid, when I clean the car and specially the baby seats. Well not that, the following: So when I clean the seats, of course you find bits of food and also left sweets and when they are still good-looking and somehow clean, I eat them- you shouldn´t waste food, should you?

But the worst habit, according to hubby is:

When I read a book and I am half way through, I have to read the last two pages/the end of the book because I just need to know how it ends! Spoiler alarm? No not at all, because once I know how it ends, I am even more eager to find out, why it ended like that! I do that every single time! Bad habit? No I am just a bit impatient!

At the moment I am reading Pepper Winters “Tears of Tesshttp://pepperwinters.com/  series bit didn´t read the last page from the first book yet as I am busy with writing poems for The Commons assignments I signed up for which leaves me quite light headed.

Bad habits? I rather call them lovely incidents!!!


You´re drunk you silly old fool!!!

Every time before my husband attends a mess meeting I say:

“Darling, don´t get too drunk, you should be a good example, you are a

staff sergeant!!!”

And yesterday I did it again but my speech just reached a wall. His reply was that he has to drink! Hmmmm…. is getting drunk a way of socializing nowadays? Did I miss something? Or is it the british culture to get, sorry for the following, pissed on meetings (no offence, I just wonder why, WHY)?!

When hubby got home in the middle of the night it sounded like a horde of elephants tramped through my house. Somehow he made it upstairs to our bedroom just to announce, that he is drunk followed by a plunk on his side of the bed. After just a murmur of me, I heard him saying “oh not good” and he scampered as fast as he could in his condition back out of the bed and in the bathroom. And than I heard the well-known sounds of retching which I just  acknowledge with a dry sly smile!

“Serves him right”, I thought while turning around to the other side, trying to find my way back into sheepy clouds of sleep which unfortunately where highly disturbed of my husbands failures to walk:

I heard him fall down the hall, down the stairs and even up the stairs accompanied with the words “fu..ing hell”. Not my words- his words!

He was still wandering around the house, well wandering like an elf wouldn´t describe it at all, it was more like an earthquake until his final showdown:

I heard him running and then a loud splatter. Unfortunately he didn´t make it on time to the loo and specially to open the lid which I found out this morning before I drove Cailleach to school- I only wanted to go quickly to toilet downstairs, opened the door and this smell hit me and the disaster looked me straight in the eye. To his defence, he tried to clean it up as good as a drunk can do.

So when I drove him to work this morning, still drunk, he leaned out of the window like a dog (did I mentioned it was and still is pouring down), trying not to throw up- he also failed that. One hour later I had to pick him back up and now he is laying upstairs sleeping his killer hangover and playing the dying swan!

Well my darling husband, your 20s are long gone, you can´t keep up with those youngsters from yesterday and sorry (not) for saying it:

But I told you so!!!

Oh and please would you care to find your glasses???


Fight your inner demon

We all have demons, skeletons and secrets. We keep them secret, bury and try to hide them. But what good does it do? As for me, I try to fight them. I am a born fighter! Always was, always will be. I have a nice sticker which I use as bookmarker. It says

667 one step ahead of the devil

I think it is a clothes brand  but every time I look at my “bookmarker” it reminds me not to give up no matter what!

My inner demon is my eating disorder.

I never was a good eater. I was always picky, only looked at the greens with disgust. Often a big wooden cook spoon was placed next to my plate in case I didn´t eat up. It made me sick and I was frightened. As frightened as a little girl can be and was often used. I think, that was how it begun in the first place but a nip from a boy my age (back then 14) in the rips triggered it eventually. I could feel how he grabbed my “fat” and I felt disgusted and embarrassed though he didn´t even say anything or gave me a look. And my so called fat was just a bit baby fat most teenagers have. 

I didn´t want to eat anymore. I tried to eat less  to lose some pounds, I bought little calorie books and started to count calories. But at some point I got so hungry I ate all kind of food I found in the house and before I knew I was so full that I made myself sick. All my thoughts where about food. I had good days and not so good days. No one realized my condition. I hid it well until I got to a point, where I was so exhausted and felt so ill, I couldn´t even keep an apple down so I went to my doctor to seek help. She was very shocked. I explained my condition, told her my days. My weight back then was 78 pounds by 154cm. I don´t know if she wanted to give me a good fright (I don´t think so) but she said something I will never forget:

“If you keep this up, you will be dead within 2 month maximum- is that what you want?”

No that was not what I wanted. I wanted to live! To be happy again! I didn´t want to have a worry in the world. So with a little help from my doctor (weekly weight sessions and a bit of a talk) I got better. I had ups and downs for 6 years and realized that when I am stressed, worried or angry about something, I started to punish me in the form of either not eating or binge-eating and therefor making me sick. But than I got pregnant for the first time and knew when I want a healthy baby I have to stop that straight away which I did.

Today I don´t consider me as healed. But I can say I am not anorexic or bulimic anymore.  But I do still have an eating disorder. When I eat I can´t really enjoy it, I still know how much calories it has and I can´t stash up on sweets as I would eat them all at once. It is like “when they are gone, they can´t harm me anymore”. And when I eat a lot one day, I try to eat healthier or exercise a bit more the other day. But I fight! I fight every single day because I want to live and because I don´t want to lose faith. Faith in myself that I can make it.

If we would all lose faith, this world, this mankind would be lost. Hope is what keeps us alive, it is what keeps me alive. Life itself can be so beautiful, you just have to embrace it.