Never forgotten

Granny used to throw us out

Deep deep in the forest you thought

The snow was glistening in the winter sun

You and me on our bikes

It was so much fun

You smile at me as it begins to snow

We stick our tongues out and begin to glow

Today I am out in the forest all on my own

Gone are the funny days and I frown

Dearly you are missed and I start to cry

wondering why is that why oh why

Can men and women be “just friends”???

It is 7:13pm. I am sitting in my cognac coloured Chesterfield chair, wearing my grey pyjama. I lathered honey on my face because since I live in the UK, I get spotty from the chlorine in the tapwater.

And while I sit here cross leged I wonder, can women and men be just friends?

Everything inside me wants to scream YES they can! And not only because one party might be gay.

Since I was a little girl, I was always better with boys than with girls. Boys where so much more fun to be around, they didn´t get upset about bad or nasty jokes, you could punch them without them being upset and you could be rough without them crying like a little baby! No offence girls, but you must admit, we can be a bit touchy!!!

I believe the reasons why men like to be friends with me is, that I am a bit like them. I can laugh about me, I´ve got a huge ego (gosh, I am so hot, I could burn myself, GRIN), but I don´t flatter myself over my look, and most importantly, I don´t judge a book by it´s cover.

I have to admit, I love to be around men! Purely because I mustn´t watch my mouth, I can speak what I think. And the opposite sex surely feels the same way.

So I thought at least! But life taught me better. I was friends with a really nice man for 13 years! But after 13 years, he led me down on my birthday, he didn´t even phone. I found out he had a crush on me for a while but he knew he didn´t have a chance because to me, he was like a brother! I loved him, really! Just not the way he wanted or expected me to. I still miss him every now and then.

On my 18th birthday in a club I met a cute guy. Well I was very drunk. All my girlfriends said to me “look at him, are you serious???” They just couldn´t get it. A week later I met him again, and boy believe me when I say my friends where right, what did I think??? I only recognised him because of his short hight. But it wasn´t his looks, it was his personality. Don´t get me wrong, he was a sweet person, just not for me! So I told him, that I made a mistake and that I don´t feel a  connection. So we just stayed friends.

At least so I thought (again)! After over 10 years of friendship he also led me down. When I called him he was always preoccupied with other things and didn´t pay much attention. I tried to talk to him about it…… He always said, he would never find someone as good- looking and great as me… In the end he tried to get away from me by ignoring my emails and phonecalls. Maybe it was his attempt to forget me. Nowadays I think it was the right thing for him to do, to cut all strings if you want to move forward, but back then it just hurt to lose another dear friend.

And once I made the mistake to sleep with a good friend of mine. We got together, though I´ve told him, we shouldn´t as I wasn´t ready and thought it was a silly one-off thing. But when you are young and get told, “you would hurt me even more, if you leave now without being my girlfriend”, specially when his father  has just died, what do you do?! Of course you stay with him just to hurt him even more two years later by telling him, that it is over! We are still in contact over Facebook every now and then but he insists until this day, that I have hurt him the most of all persons!

And even “friends” tried to kiss me at some point.

Awww it is a pain in the …! Unfortunately I must say,

NO! Men and women can´t just be friends!!!

I bet, one of you will say, yes it is possible, I have a dear friend since Anno… but believe you me when I say, one day that person wants to be more than just a friend. BIG SIGH.


Blogger Recognition Award

Many thanks to BrewNSpew

for nominating me for the Blogger Recognition Award

These as far I know should be the rules:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their   blog.
2. You must list the rules and display the award
3. Write a bit about how your blog got started
4. Give some advice to new bloggers
5. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and leave a comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated

Why I started my blog

To keep a long story short, I started my blog because I am looking for a purpose in life (job wise) and have to find this purpose within two years. After two years, my youngest one Cash will join school and I´d like to find a job which really fullfills me or to make this blog so succesfull, that I can live from it.

I would prefer the second option, but if people think I am boring or talent free, at least I´ve tried but hopefully met a lot of interesting people!!!

Advise to new bloggers

The start is always or often a bit difficult, but don´t give up. Write a list of topics you would like to talk about. Everyday there is something new I can ad to my list and it really helps to sort out my thoughts!

My nominees:

My sweetheart

My sweetheart

Only a few streets away

My heart was always with you

My sweetheart

We fought and we loved

You came always back to me

My sweetheart

Your beauty was stunning, your heart was mine and mine was yours

Our love so big so pure

But you left

My heart has been waiting for my sweetheart so long so long

But life goes on and it goes on and on

My little girl

I look at your face, so rosy so sweet

Love is  around us, we are around love

I look at your face, so rosy so sweet

The angels will protect you, you will protect the angels

I look at your face so rosy so sweet

Your beauty is innocent, innocent is beauty

I look at your face so rosy so sweet

Are you not over it?!?

Two days ago I had an interesting conversation with my husband. It was in the morning, hubby was driving and I was babbling away of how proud I was, that I was already out for my morning run and did the todays poem assignment and mentioned that, for some reason I, am more into dark, sad and gloomy poems than funny ones. That funny ones are not really my thing. He asked if I was unhappy and I replied, that everything´s fine. To keep the conversation short, this is what he doesn´t understand:

Why do you bring up bad memories, are you not over them? Does it still hurt? Is there some unfinished business? Do you need to go through it again?

So I tried to make him understand the following:

A lot of bad things happened to me in the past. No physical abuse, but there was some soul damage which caused a lot of heartache and therefore a lot of drama.

Back then I dealt with it my way. I eventually got over it but I wasn´t able to talk about it. It still hurt somehow. I had to heal first and that took some time and it is true:

Time heals all wounds

So when I write or talk about not so nice things which happened in the past, it is not because I am not over it, or because I want to relive the pain. It is because I actually can talk about it, it doesn´t hurt anymore.

Maybe I am like one of my favourite singers B.B. King or Bobby Bland, I just live and feel the blues? Which isn´t a bad thing at all. When I got hurt, at first it seemed the whole world would end, than that everyone is against me. I´ve asked myself a lot of questions and eventually got angry just to find the answer:

If you get hurt by someone (on purpose), that person is just not worth it, not worth your time,not worth your tears, not worth your friendship or love because that very person don´t care about you!

And once I understood, I cut that person out of my life, no turning back! But believe me, those actions are not easy decisions . I tried to keep friendships and love alive as long as I could, but when you get the feeling that nothing is coming back from the other site, that you are the only one putting effort in, it might be better to let go and safe yourself. Because:

If you can´t love yourself, will you be able to love the people around you???

And every time I found answers to my heartache, I felt free and over it. That is why today I can talk about it.


First Love

This early morning I was woken by a weird dream I had. I dreamed of my first love. I dreamed that he asked me “if you where single, would you take me back?” and I replied “No, because I waited far to long for you to come back to me!” Then it turned out he was a vampire and tried to corpse everyone around me. I don´t know if he succeeded because I woke up!

What for a weird dream! We all had our first big  love we thought will ever last and to the ones who are still with their first love: CONGRATULATION! Really, I mean it from the bottom of my heard.

So let me tell you about MY first love:

I was sweet 13 and was standing during frist break in the school hall with my girlfriends talking. And than HE joined us, standing opposite me talking to the other girls but staring and smiling only at me. My heart was racing and I couldn´t get him out of my thoughts for the rest of the day. The following day I was all excited and hoped to see him again- I was in class 7 and he was in class 10, so back then he was 17.

The clock was ringing for the first break and in the hall I met him. He walked straight over to me asking me for a chat outsite. My heart was bumping in my throat, I was so nervous…

He was around 177cm, well-built, full lips (oh how soft his slips where), dark brown eyes, dark short hair and even his skin colour was a bit darker, (I so loved to touch his body); I loved his muscular arms! He was the boy every girl in our town wanted to be with but for some reason he wanted me. Me, the younger little slim girl with long brown hair and blue eyes…

This love back then was so big, I couldn´t be with him and didn´t know how to survive the day without him. We argued, split up and got back together a few times. He was always in my mind and for some reason it seemed, that he always knew where I was. But these feelings where so overwhelming, I could barely take it. Guess I was just to young. Or maybe it was not the right time.

We broke up and got back together for around 3 years until he left the town forever. Naive as I was, I believed he would come back to me! I believed that for a very very very long time! But he never came back and that broke me. It broke me so bad, that every time I met an actually nice man, I compared him to my ex. No one was good enough. I always thought, one day I will be Mrs. B., we would have children and be a happy family…

When my ex left, he took my heart with him, I was so afraid of love, that I built  a big wall around me and shut down. And when I finally realized that when I want to find true love, I have to give him up, I have to let him go. I said to myself, that if he would have really loved me as much I loved him, he would have come back for me. Sad thing is, I never ever told him once, I loved him.

Recently he tried to add me on Facebook. Without a single word. Stubborn as I am, I declined the request. I bet he smiled at that, thinking, she didn´t change!

Would I take him back if I was single? I honestly do not know. We are older now. We moved on. Who knows if we would have still things in common? When I looked at his profile picture though, I wouldn´t have recognized  him at all. He put a bit of weight on and for some reason reminded me of my father, hehehehehe… and who wants to date her daddy?!

He was my first love, we had good and bad times and I don´t regret anything. Back then it might have hurt to think about him, nowadays it just puts a little smile on my lips, it doesn´t hurt anymore because eventually I was ready for a (second) real love, but that is another story!