Survivor (of my own heart)

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Thought to have it all

Looking down at my empty hands

Seeing the water in my veins start to freeze

Turning my shaking body into shades of blue

 

And where once have been tears

Are fine lines of hot anger

Telling a silent tale of hopeless love

 

Trying to compose myself

Slowly breathing in and out

Holding my head up high

 

I am a survivor of my own heart

 

Why is life so against me?!

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I say it straight away, this is going to be a whining post! So if you are  in a good mood, do not read any further, just leave, I won’t be angry!

At the present moment it feels like life is totally against me. Or maybe God has forgotten that I too, exist. Or he is just fed up with me, because I ask so many questions and beg him for so many things.

I don’t know as I never get an answer. Either that or I am just too blind to see the signs and/or too deaf to hear what he has to say!

Usually I am a very laid back girl in every aspect of life:

  • When someone cheated on me
  • When someone left me
  • When someone talked about me
  • When I got fired
  • When I had to move house
  • When friends/family turned on me
  • When getting lost in the woods or city
  • When the daughter things, she can wear make-up by the age of 12
  • …

Just life in general. I am just like “yeah happens…..” and I move on. Sometimes me moving on takes up to a few days but after that the sun is shining bright and just for me, as I am the centre of the world!

But at the current moment, no let me rephrase that:

For a while now, I am feeling pretty low, I would almost say even a bit depressed:

When it comes to money, it’s not fun! Do not take friends/family’s money, do not lend money! Pay your bills yourself and here we are:

It feels like I just go to work to pay our bills or for things which are really needed!

I actually wanted to pay of two major things by the end of this year, but we just got hit by another big bill and I can see no end.

I have belly aches, I can’t sleep though I feel constantly tired, I am very impatient (I thought I could not top that, but I am wrong, I successfully mastered myself out!) I don’t even exercise. Yes, you read right, I don’t exercise! Me! For a couple of weeks now, I am feeling that low!

I sit here and ask myself, “will it be like that for the rest of my life?”

Of course husband says, I should not worry and leave it to him, but his wage will not change  and mine got reduced due to less working hours (that does not help either!)

If I could, I would look for another job with more hours, but living in a small area, vacancies are rare, plus I can’t afford to drive somewhere to work as I still have a little one here at home.

Oh and did I mention, we’re going to move to Orkney early next year. We need to find a house on time. We also need to get the money somehow (see, MONEY, again).

I also won’t move house anymore which I am rather fond of, moving house that is. I like to see new places and don’t like to be stuck for too long. I moved house a lot in the past. On the other hand it might be time to have my own home. I just hope I won’t struggle for too long.

Why do I always have to walk the rocky path? Why can’t it be easy, even if it is only for a while?

AND… why does the money not grow out of my pockets???

Franky

 

I don’t want to talk about it

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I don’t want to talk about it how you broke my heart for this heart was so innocent in my chest or was there ever a heart given to me?

I don’t want to talk about it how I was crying forever and how the shadows hid my tears trying to drown the very same soul staring at you with big poor-spirited eyes waiting for death to claim

But if you stay a bit longer, listen (listen to my heart)

 

I don’t want to talk about it how much pain it caused holding up on my knees (on my knees) long enough to see the blue in the sky or was there really blue but grey as grey is all I can see or is it still blue hidden behind grey?

But if you stay a bit longer, listen (listen to my heart)

 

I don’t want to talk about it how I listened to you in empty silence and that I saw you (saw you) in the corner of my eyes and that I forgot to breathe as breathing is life and life is love or is love just a  tale and if love exists, does it sooth everything?

But if you stay a bit longer, listen (listen to my heart)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Complaining Customers- Think!

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I work for a fast food chain for a couple of month now and every now and again we get complaining customers!

And very often I think to myself (pardon my language):

Are you taking the piss?! Really?! Seriously?! …

Once a customer send his food back 3 (!) times because according to him, it wasn’t hot enough! That meant, we had to redo it every. single. time!

Another customer send food back because apparently it wasn’t a stuffed crusted pizza (it was!)!

I mean, I can understand if food gets send back, because it wasn’t what they ordered, or if it wasn’t cooked through, so major things really.

But sending a not hot enough dish back?! So what?! Put it in the oven at home. Where is the big deal?!

Ever thought about the people working their behind up in the kitchen providing the food for you?

Trying to get everything right in the shortest time possible? With aching hands and legs because of the long hours they spend in the shop for a minimum wage?

Ever thought about that those people behind the scene are actual humans too who might have a lot on their plate?

They try to do a good job, try to please the boss, try to keep their job, try to get the household done, get own dinner on the plate, raise children, try to maintain friendships, try to keep the partner happy, try to not fall asleep at work and on top of all that,

still smile at you while you, the complaining customer who’s pizza does not burn your tongue, gives  the employee shit!

So maybe next time when you feel the urgent need to complain, hold on for a minute and think about whether it is really worth it!

Thanks

Franky