Category: Pregnancy

Baby Boom

For many years I wanted more children. My ideal picture would have been four children all very close in age.

But of course that didn’t happen because another pregnancy could be dangerous for me. When I was pregnant with my last one, I had a hidden rupture and was in hospital from 27 weeks onwards. At 34+0 the doctor made the decision to not wait any longer and so Cash was born.

The risk that this happens again is there, but the longer one waits the better the chances to carry the baby to term… and Cash was born almost 7 years ago.

So there I was, finally getting to terms of not having more children. I was single and thought I will be for a very long time but fate had other things in mind.

Now that I am so deeply, madly, crazy in love I am back to square one. I look at my boyfriend and know I want to have his baby!

Like a good girl does, I am taking my prenatal medication in the hope I still have some eggs left and dream about what could be, even already decided on baby names. Mental, I know, I know!

I am much older now. I had my firstborn when I was 22. Back then I said “I won’t have children after 30”! Now I am 41, am relaxed as someone can be and know what and what not to do when it comes to pregnancy and raising children. I don’t feel like I am too old to do this again.

Do I look forward in getting bigger and suffering from morning sickness and being tired all day long? Of course not!

But I am looking forward to bring new beautiful life into this world!

Of course I don’t consider me a pro but I am doing the best I can.

I am excited and hopeful and am looking forward to the future…


Dreams- do you believe???

We all dream. Maybe not every night, maybe sometimes we can’t remember, sometimes they are nice dreams and sometimes not so nice, disturbing or annoying.

Dreams can frighten or inspire us. OR we don’t give a second thought about a dream.

I personally think, a dream is just that, a dream!

I don’t believe in dream interpretation! I don’t believe that subconsciously in our dreams we try to work out our insecurities, problems or life in general.

Usually I don’t give second thoughts about a dream I had and later, sometimes even an hour later, I already have forgotten about it.

BUT sometimes, like a few days ago, I dream that I am pregnant with a baby boy. And when that happens, it bothers me a lot and the dream still lingers around in my mind:

I remember how happy I was and that I couldn’t believe my luck despite the fact, I am not allowed to have another baby. Everything was fine, it was warm and I couldn’t await this precious little human being. I wanted to stay in this dream forever… it was too good to be true-

I woke up and reality hit me. Forever I will be the woman “who would have loved another little boy” and I wonder if those dreams will hunt me forever?

Though the dream was so nice, it saddens me to know that this will never ever happen to me again. Also I think, it is unfair! I don’t deserve those kind of dreams!

If one of those dreams occurs again, I hope I have forgotten all about it by the time I wake up!!!


The pregnancy glow

Before I got pregnant, I always admired  women walking around with their baby bumps. They looked so beautiful and this very special glow lay upon them.

I couldn’t wait for that glow but the reality was, I didn’t look at all sweet and cute and wondered why the said glow didn’t come to me…

But when I have given birth, I finally have seen it.

A little bundle of joy, with the most beautiful glow you can imagine!

What more can a mother wish?


My eggs are laughing at me!

I am in the prime of life. And every month I get reminded by my eggs. With my eggs I mean my ovaries who produce those precious eggs.

Only that I can’t use said eggs anymore! I am a bit of a hippy auntie. When it comes to contraception, I keep it natural.

I don’t want to go into detail, but I know exactly when I am ovulating.

Usually when (back then) still in baby planning, I used to shout my husband home to create wonderful, cute little babies the very second I knew there is an egg on its way!

Thing is, I am not allowed any more babies due to a weak c-section scar (it would split open again before I am due). It is a life threatening condition so husband, frightened as he was, got the snip shortly after Cash was born (despite the fact I wasn’t fine with it!!!).

So month after month, I get the feeling, that my eggs are making fun of me.

It is a bit like

“Hahaha… here I am… on the way in your uterus…you could, but you ca a a aaaan’t, ha ha ha haa haa…”

I mean, where is the point? If you are done… if you have all your desired children… if you are not allowed more children… or even if you don’t want children…. why still having your period, why still ovulating??? Why still getting reminded of what could, but never will be???

I am sorry, mother nature, but we women clearly got the shit end of the stick!

Ts… Rant over… I guess… till next month.


Why I Hid My Pregnancy

When I got pregnant for the very first time, it was a big surprise or more of a shock for my parents, I presume.

Back then I didn’t have the best relationship to my parents, still living at home I stood in front of the fridge, saying to my father

“…by the way, I am pregnant…”

Because my mother didn’t talk to my he must have told her… However I soon moved out and the relationship between us got better….

8 month later I was pregnant again. I was throwing up like a berserk would swing his ax. While my mother looked after my first born, I went to the doctor to confirm my hopes.

At home I told her,  I am pregnant and her first reply was

“You don’t want to keep it, do you?!”

Those two children where, despite my young age, planned and so longingly hoped for. I reckon every women knows the feeling. There are so many different feelings, so many hopes.

Did it work? Am I pregnant? Why am I not pregnant? Why did I get my period- again? Will my baby settle down properly, make himself home in my belly? Will he be healthy? Or will it be a she?

It is such an exciting time. Well at least the first few month. When you can’t wait for your bump to show just to wish at the end for the bump not to get even bigger as you already look like a huge wale with mumps… floating on the surface in a too small ocean!

When I finally found Mr. Right (the children’s birth father did a runner when they where 3 and 1 1/2), it was clear that we wanted two more children though there was a risk that my c-section scar will give me quite some troubles…

So when finally I fell pregnant again, I decided not to tell anyone! I just wanted to keep my mind free of negative thoughts from my family. I mean, which mother would say  “you don’t want to keep it?!” or a father who doesn’t show any signs that he is happy for his daughter?

And because family members knew about the risk another pregnancy would bring, there would have been a lot of gossip behind my back. I just didn’t want that. I wanted peace (at least as much I could get while vomiting for almost 7 month non stop) and be happy, enjoying (somehow) my pregnancy. It is fair to say, that the toilet and Vomex medication where my best friends during that time.

The least I needed where stupid comments like “don’t you think about your other children, what if you die?… what happens if…” and so on.

When you get pregnant you want support, you want reassurance that everything will be alright! You want people to be happy for and with you!

6 weeks before I was due I told my family and friends. My friends where a bit taken aback but happy for me. My sister understood, my mother was peeved, my father didn’t say much as per usual and when I told my grandma the same day they did the c-section  she laughed.

So when I fell pregnant for the last time, I told my mother after 3 month. My words where not even all out of my mouth, I already regretted them. My mothers reply “I wouldn’t have wanted another one…but if it is what you want…” SIGH…

I must say, I don’t regret that I didn’t mention my 3rd pregnancy. I even go so far to say, that I should have listen way earlier to my heart when it said

“Don’t tell, just do what makes you happy, never mind how they will react”

Because if someone loves you, he will understand!