Category: Mood

I lost my way

I think I lost my way!

I’ve been thinking that for a while now.

When I ask myself where I would like to see myself in 5 years, my answer would be:

In a job I really enjoy. A job which is enjoyable and earns me a bit of money!

The reality might be different though. I might be stuck like I am now. In a job which is convenient and pays the bills.

I am not a dumb person. I studied different things. I have diplomas for two different type of jobs and a lot of knowledge when it comes to other things I did.

I like learning new things and I love physical jobs! Jobs where I almost drop dead by the end of the day because it makes me feel like I actually did something useful!

A few days ago I found a trainee vacancy in Livingston for (I think it was) a ship or boat company. They where looking for someone who would assist with boat repairs etc.

I would have loved to apply for this job, but travel hours would have been too long.

Every week I check the ferry websites for their job offers. I know the seasonal job offers should be out soon and I wonder if I should sign up for a stcw training so I can apply. But I don’t want to pay a £1000 for a course and in the end I don’t get the job. Of course getting this certificate is no guarantee for employment but shouldn’t I do anything to go forward?

I feel lost. So lost! I bet everyone of you felt like this before and if not, well lucky you. It is not a nice feeling.

Well…it is 7:14pm, my uniform is already ironed and ready for tomorrow and I will be off to bed now.

Beauty sleep is essential and tomorrow might be a better day or the job opportunity!

Franky (who keeps her hopes up)

Our very own house

We made it. Finally!

We finally bought our very own house. We paid more than we intended to. Also it is not as far north as I would have wished to.

We decided against Orkney. We travelled all around Scotland, checked places, viewed houses and eventually settled for a nice cottage in the beautiful town of Callander.

It was built late 1600s, it has fireplaces, a dine-in kitchen, a big enough garden and the area enough outdoor activities, bigger towns and cities near by for work-

All important factors for us.

Now whenever I have my days off, I start painting rooms. Yes, I know usually you renovate before you move in- we do it in reverse. Plainly because we really wanted to move out of this teeny weeny tiny cottage which was infested with humongous monster spiders!

Unfortunately I haven’t seen much of the area just yet, as I do nothing but work and if I get home early, it is raining. Like hammering down bad rain!

Actually I should be the happiest person alive. I live in Scotland with my family in a traditional beautiful cottage in a even more beautiful area….. but still.

Maybe it is the fact that from now on we just go to work to pay off the house, pay for the renovations (you should see the wall paper which snakes its way to the first floor, roses far as the eye can see), pay this big amount of council tax….

I look at the house and see how it could look like once it is done.

Wallpaper down and nice colours on…

Getting those ugly tiles off the floor, ripping the carpet out replacing all with nice wooden flooring….

At some point install nice new bathrooms (yes, plural. We have 4!)….

Ax two of those awful trees down….

Repaint my poop brown kitchen units, change the handles, install Belfast sink, change worktop for wood……

Sooooo much  to do.

I think the fact that I see how much there still is to do and me being me, wanting to get it done there and then. And the fact that I can’t get it all done straight away as money does not grow out of my pockets does not let me enjoy my house….Maybe I should just sit back and relax….

But for now:

Off to bed.

Nighty night

Franky

 

 

Think of me

Do you ever think of me when you cross the street, the rain pouring down on you

Trying to wash away all your guilt?

Do you ever think of me when you feel so low that you want to hang your head

Hang your head because you realise you lost all hope?

Do you ever think of me when all of a sudden a gust of wind carries a sweet scent to you which reminds you of old times

Carefree times?

Do you ever think of me when you rush from one corner of the world to the other though all you really want to do is just stand still?

Do you ever think of me while searching for the right words though they are right at the tip of your tounge?

Do you ever think of me in the middle of the night

Wide awake?

I think you do

All the time

Hot Toddy

Screw Day and Night Nurse, doesn’t matter wether it is the liquid form or tablets, my new remedy when it comes to the first symptoms of a cold or flu is a good old Hot Toddy!

Recently I was googling remedies when I woke up with a scratchy throat, stinging eyes and slightly blocked nose, not to mention the throbbing head.

And I knew what is to come. Every, yes every single time when it starts like that, I know I will suffer from a very bad sinus infection which lasts me weeks and sometimes even ends with antibiotics as it gets so bad, all I want is to bang my head against the wall before someone who is compassionate enough comes round to shoot me! Yes, THAT bad!

So when those little nasty bactarials started to nest inside me, I thought

No, not again! I can’t afford to fall sick when I just started a new job. I need this job, I need the money.

So I came across the Hot Toddy recipe:

  • Hot water
  • Freshly pressed lemon juice
  • Honey (Since I am a vegan, I use Mable syrup to sweeten up)
  • And the best: WHISKY

I am a big fan of whisky….. oh I sound like a drunk, but no, ladies and gentlemen, I can count the drinks I have per year on one hand!

So I brewed my concoction and it was oh so tasty! And the next day I already felt a bit better. I had two more drinks over the next two days and viola, I was as good as new!

Yesterday my husband was still in his bathrobe when I got back from work, feeling sick, so I suggested to brew him one as well.

When it comes to food or drinks he doesn’t like he is like a cat you try to bath. Really hard work but in the end he gulped it down (he doesn’t like whisky at all) and had one more later in the evening and again, he felt much better today!

Hot Toddy, you are my new best medicine friend.

What better excuse to have whisky?!

Franky

Worst

The blue in your eyes became a storm

And the fierce fire that has burned within you

Is snuffed out by sheer madness

While your body is violently trembling like a leaf

 

Shaking from a lovers fading touch

Your flesh still burning

From the remaining bits of love

A distinct scent kisses your shoulder

And endless memories are pumping through your veins

 

The hollow reflection that stares back at you

From a sea of sadness

Tells you to keep on breathing

Breathing breathing

 

Gone is the ones so bright light

Replaced by never ending dark nightmares

Enveloping you like a cozy blanket

 

Though my eyes  have seen it all

And my body felt it

I don’t know fear

Not anymore

Appreciation

I came to realize that I did not appreciate many precious moments I experienced!

When my teenagers where little, all I wished for was them to grow up a bit faster to be more independent.

I felt tired all the time, and every day was just a rush. Rushing to kindergarten, rushing to school, rushing to work…

And before I knew it, my babies turned into teenagers… literally in a blink of an eye and what did I do? I did it again:

When I clashed, as so many times, with my teenage daughter, I wished for her to be older so that she could move out and live her own life.

That is an awful thing to do!

I should have tried to spend more time with them, should have cuddled them more and told them, how much I loved them, I should have surprised them more often with little things or picnics. I should have done that every single day until now and every day coming!

If we are lucky, children live at home for 18, maybe 22… or even 25 years and compared to a (hopefully) long life, that is nothing! Nothing!!! It is such a short time you get to spend with them.

If you are lucky, they love you enough to phone and visit you on a regular basis. And if you are really, really lucky, they even live close by, so that you also get to see your grand-babies!!!

SIGH…. big SIGH….

When I was not working because the children where too little, all I did was complaining because I didn’t get to go out of the house. Complaining how bored and isolated I felt.

Instead I should have been happy about the fact, that I am actually be able to spend so much time with my children, get to sleep more and do what ever I want.

And I know I should show my husband more affection. I know I should miss him when he is away because one day, he might not be around anymore and I might regret my (non-) actions.

In this case it is not funny how my perception has worked out for me. No, it is rather sad.

But this is life and life never goes the way we want it to.

Guess, I keep on trying, trying to be the best mom and wife I can be. Trying to make it better and trying to make the best of life.

Franky