Category: Mood

Happy Vegan???

Why? Why me? Why do I belong to the ones on the other side???

For three or four weeks now I am on a vegan diet. Well no. The word “diet” is not appropriate as I never diet. The word “diet” is often associated with restricted calorie intake/less food.

In my case I eat like a horse! That is the only good thing so far!

Before my vegan lifestyle, I heard and read so many things about veganism, how people lost a lot of weight, how their skin was glowing, how healthy and energetic and frankly super good they are doing.

Me? I didn’t experience any of the above mentioned symptoms. The only thing I realized, I am feeling lighter despite the fact that I eat so huge amounts of fruit and veg.

It is the same when I got pregnant, I couldn’t wait to have this incredible baby bump and look all cute… The reality was, I just looked fat with a huge baby bump and huge ass where you could have put a tea cup on each bum cheek. Reckon you look fat when you gain 60 pounds!

Then when I started breastfeeding, I was assured, to loose the weight without doing anything as you burn calories while feeding the baby. Yeah, that was a good one! I had to fight for every single pound and really lost them when I stopped   breastfeeding!

So what about the hailed vegan transformation?! Where is the slender body??? The glow??? It’s not that I feel lethargic or hungry… but why don’t my love handles melt?! Huh? At least that! Is that too much asked for? They are really persistent which is a outrage!!!

Yes, yes I know it takes time…the body needs between three and six month to detox from animal products and no, I will not go back but still, for once I would like to fit in like everyone else, BIG SIGH…


Wish to have the flu?!

In a moment of madness or shall I rather call it sheer desperation, I wished I have the flu!

What happened?

I was in bed rather early yesterday due to overeating! I had dinner and a whole bag of sweet popcorn. Usually I do one or the other because I know I will feel sick, if I have both but yesterday I was just greedy.

So off to bed I went, feeling too full. I was turning and tossing around and when I finally fell asleep, Cash kept on waking me up either by putting his leg over my neck or searching in his sleep for me and finally at 4am he sat straight in the middle of the bed, asking for cocoa over and over again until I got up; still with my sleeping mask on!

When we returned to bed, he quickly fell asleep but has been restless and just wouldn’t let me sleep.

Close to tears I thought,

I wish I had the flu! When you have the flu at least you sleep! And when you can’t sleep you swallow a concoction which knocks you out for the next 24h!

Totally forgotten, that when you have the flu and 4 children at home, it doesn’t matter whether you are ill or not, there is no chance that you can sneak into bed for a nice nap! Also forgotten that you feel quite sh.tty!

Did I mention that when I got up this morning, I still felt queasy? And that I don’t have much of an appetite? Obviously my eyesight is not the best either, because when my mobile just rang, I was certain it said “hubby mobile” so I picked up with the usual

“Hello, what do you want?!” phrase just to have the nurse from the medcentre asking for me. Whoops… fortunately she found it amusing when I explained that I expected my husband to phone.

Well as for the flu or wishes in general:

Be careful what you wish for!



I wish I was on an island…

…oh wait, I actually am on an island, ha ha ha….

No, seriously. I wish I was on an island, all by myself. Even if it was just for a while.

You know this moment when it happens and you think “island, please”?

My reason(s) to be on an island is quite simple:


It is too much family, too much responsibility, too much of everything and unfortunately  too little money.

We are so skint at the moment, that we can only buy the food we really need, no extras like sweets or expensive gluten free products like cereals and we use the car only if we really have to to save on fuel.

The past few month we have been very stupid. Spend our money on races, recce trips, running gear, books and food. The army has forgotten to charge for the rent and stupid as we where, we didn’t think about that when we have to pay it back, they would take such big chunks of my husbands wage. . .

I am desperate for a job. I NEED a job. A second income would be perfect. BUT the fees for a full day nursery for Cash are that high, that when I calculate the fuel in, next to nothing would be left of the wage. It is said, really. You want women to be independent, but don’t offer much help when it comes to childcare!

Another thing is our teenage daughter. A PROPER  TEENAGER who is only nice and sweet outside the house and only does as she is told when she wants something.

Try to keep calm, try to keep patient, just don’t listen, I try to tell myself everyday, but it is exhausting and everyone who has teenagers at home probably knows how I feel! What ever you do, you do it wrong. When it comes to teenager, to rebellious teenager, it seems there is no right nor wrong. You just have to sit it out, wait until said teenager moves out and drives someone else mental!

And also my body. I don’t like my body at the moment. Everywhere I can feel wobbly body parts and the fact that my little daughter Cailleach comes in the bathroom squishing my bum, saying “mummy look how it is bouncing”, doesn’t help either!

Running. I didn’t do much running. Somehow I lost my running mojo. I should train, or at least go for my usual runs, but I just can’t be bothered. I am not totally lazy though. I exercise at home, but still. I need to train, as I still have 3 more races to come. One in two weeks, the other two in September…

I know, instead of whinging, I should change something. And I do, step by step, but sometimes, just sometimes I wished I was on an island, only me, myself and I.

Thoughts of today’s prompt word “island”.


The commitment issue

I was told a few times, I should come and join a running club, see what it is like and every time my reply is

“Yes, I might”.

And I really mean it when I say it. But later on when the the deadline for the day comes closer, I find a million reasons not to go…. bad weather, maybe the other runners are much faster than me and I would hold them back… my running tights are not washed (all 5!) and/or I put weight on and can’t squeeze into them, are just a few.

Every time when I finish a good book, I put it in my cupboard to the others with the good intention to pass them on to my children. But after some time, sometimes even years, I start to sort books out, because my cupboard looks so untidy, the heavy weight could damage the wood, the books are not appropriate for the children and so on.

The same goes for clothes, I want to squirrel them away but start to feel uneasy with so many things I don’t wear anymore. Off to the next recycling bin.

Sadly the same happened with best friends. Only that they didn’t up in a recycling bin but then again, who knows? At some point even though I thought real friendships last forever, it came to a split. After trying and trying to make a friendship work, I just chucked them!

In the last 15 years I moved house 9 or 10 times. If I stay too long at some place I get nervous. I needed a change of scenery. I knew my surroundings. Why stay put?

Oh totally forgotten to mention the little voice in my head, or maybe it is a little devil sitting on my shoulder, saying when it came to boyfriends:

“Is that it? Was that all? Surely there must be more!” followed from THE SPEECH which always went like this

“I am sorry, but I don’t love you and this is me, splitting up from you!”

Exactly like that to make sure, they get it and know there is no way to talk me out of it!

I can’t even make plans. If I want to go shopping or for a trip, I decide a few hours or even only minutes beforehand. If I want to go for holidays, I decide just before the school term ends. Who knows what for other exciting possibilities are waiting for me?

Not even my skin care routine/products are the same long term wise. Maybe one day they won’t produce my current favourite items anymore and then what?!

So here you go, I say it all aloud:

I (think) I have commitment issues!!! But I am not unhappy about it because on the other hand, maybe it is just another way to keep the door open!



My eggs are laughing at me!

I am in the prime of life. And every month I get reminded by my eggs. With my eggs I mean my ovaries who produce those precious eggs.

Only that I can’t use said eggs anymore! I am a bit of a hippy auntie. When it comes to contraception, I keep it natural.

I don’t want to go into detail, but I know exactly when I am ovulating.

Usually when (back then) still in baby planning, I used to shout my husband home to create wonderful, cute little babies the very second I knew there is an egg on its way!

Thing is, I am not allowed any more babies due to a weak c-section scar (it would split open again before I am due). It is a life threatening condition so husband, frightened as he was, got the snip shortly after Cash was born (despite the fact I wasn’t fine with it!!!).

So month after month, I get the feeling, that my eggs are making fun of me.

It is a bit like

“Hahaha… here I am… on the way in your uterus…you could, but you ca a a aaaan’t, ha ha ha haa haa…”

I mean, where is the point? If you are done… if you have all your desired children… if you are not allowed more children… or even if you don’t want children…. why still having your period, why still ovulating??? Why still getting reminded of what could, but never will be???

I am sorry, mother nature, but we women clearly got the shit end of the stick!

Ts… Rant over… I guess… till next month.


New Dawm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “New Dawn.”

I set my alarm at 5:55am. Monday to saturday. Every week.

I was all excited yesterday, as I finally feel good enough to go for a run! I felt like Rocky when he  made it up all those stairs and of course my last thoughts where about running.

For me 5:55am is getting up before or with sunset. It is very early for someone who needs a lot of sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep, I am quite grumpy and tend to snap peoples heads off.

No sleep= Don’t talk to me

This morning I heard the alarm… I also heard my daughter getting up and I thought “oh how long was it on, that Dana got up?”.

So I jumped out of bed, grabbed my running kit which was peacefully and patiently waiting next to the bed and got quietly out of the bedroom to see Dana in full school uniform.

I was a bit baffled and asked, why she was already dressed and she said “it is 6:20!”

Stupid mommy left the telephone downstairs instead  on the stairs and overheard it!!!

I SLEPT IN!!! I still feel like a hedgehog who was woken up against his will, now sitting here in front of the notebook in pyjama, unwashed, waiting for a smoothie.

Well I couldn’t have went anyway (aaaaah smoothie just arrived), as it is storming out site. What good would it do, when I go for a run and my 43kg (I am a short ass, hence the light weight, so no worries) frame gets blown away or worse gets hit by a falling branch. Yeah nice image, me bringing my little Miss Mouse to school, with a wounded head and/or black eye.

Okay, me and my foul moode, we should get a move on, BIG LONG SIGH AGAIN…