The blue in your eyes became a storm
And the fierce fire that has burned within you
Is snuffed out by sheer madness
While your body is violently trembling like a leaf
Shaking from a lovers fading touch
Your flesh still burning
From the remaining bits of love
A distinct scent kisses your shoulder
And endless memories are pumping through your veins
The hollow reflection that stares back at you
From a sea of sadness
Tells you to keep on breathing
Gone is the ones so bright light
Replaced by never ending dark nightmares
Enveloping you like a cozy blanket
Though my eyes have seen it all
And my body felt it
I don’t know fear
I came to realize that I did not appreciate many precious moments I experienced!
When my teenagers where little, all I wished for was them to grow up a bit faster to be more independent.
I felt tired all the time, and every day was just a rush. Rushing to kindergarten, rushing to school, rushing to work…
And before I knew it, my babies turned into teenagers… literally in a blink of an eye and what did I do? I did it again:
When I clashed, as so many times, with my teenage daughter, I wished for her to be older so that she could move out and live her own life.
That is an awful thing to do!
I should have tried to spend more time with them, should have cuddled them more and told them, how much I loved them, I should have surprised them more often with little things or picnics. I should have done that every single day until now and every day coming!
If we are lucky, children live at home for 18, maybe 22… or even 25 years and compared to a (hopefully) long life, that is nothing! Nothing!!! It is such a short time you get to spend with them.
If you are lucky, they love you enough to phone and visit you on a regular basis. And if you are really, really lucky, they even live close by, so that you also get to see your grand-babies!!!
SIGH…. big SIGH….
When I was not working because the children where too little, all I did was complaining because I didn’t get to go out of the house. Complaining how bored and isolated I felt.
Instead I should have been happy about the fact, that I am actually be able to spend so much time with my children, get to sleep more and do what ever I want.
And I know I should show my husband more affection. I know I should miss him when he is away because one day, he might not be around anymore and I might regret my (non-) actions.
In this case it is not funny how my perception has worked out for me. No, it is rather sad.
But this is life and life never goes the way we want it to.
Guess, I keep on trying, trying to be the best mom and wife I can be. Trying to make it better and trying to make the best of life.
Yesterday I realized, that WordPress has become my gym membership.
Some people sign gym memberships and after some time, they just don’t turn up anymore but keep on paying!
That is exactly me at the moment!
I went from posting a couple of times per week, to every once in a while, which I think is bad!
But I guess I just don’t have much to say…. or maybe I have something to say, but don’t find the time because I am too exhausted or have 3 million other things to do which have priority!
Maybe I should call it a day….
Or maybe I should call life a day!!!
Yeah, what can I say? Finally, F.i.n.a.l.l.y…. the summer is over, my summer blues gone and winter is fast approaching.
Other might find the darker hours spooky, but to me, it is pure heaven, it gives me some sort of comfort like a warm blanket…. does that sound weird? Am I a weirdo?! Ah who cares?!
I could dance with joy!
Now that it is getting colder, gloomier and foggier, not to forget getting darker earlier and earlier, I am getting in the mood…. in the mood for running!
Actually I just wanted to get some time off running. Usually that lasts for a maximum of one month, but this time I haven’t been running since February.
Yes, you read right:
And the shocking part:
I did not even miss it, nor did I dread or push myself or even feel bad about not running.
I was just too tired, because I started later and later in the evening work. And while other colleagues are/where able to have a sleep in, I have to get up in the morning to get the babies to school, have a nap during lunch (if I am lucky and my youngest sleeps as well) and when I would have a bit time in the afternoon, I have Cash to look after.
But this week I am off work and next week are school holidays which means, I could run this week in the morning after dropping off Cash in his nursery and I can run next week all day before work.
So I am keeping my hopes up for dry weather to ease myself back into running and also hope the best regarding my knees who are always playing up after such long abstinence.
I am looking forward to running around the DT20 route in Reeth and my all time favourite DT30 in Muker up to Tan Hill Inn.
So fingers crossed that my weight training (yes, my dearest readers, I wasn’t all lazy) was a good built up for my legs.
…. that’s basically it for I don’t know how long this year.
Since my husband decided he doesn’t want to be in his current job, we have to move house by 1. June 2018. Which actually means, we need/want to buy a house as soon as possible.
No, let me rephrase this:
We have to buy a house rather this year than next. Problem is:
We would like to put a higher deposit for a mortgage down and would like to pay off our car and to do so, we need money.
Money my nice parents and also my uncle would lend us.
My parents need to sell a property first. But the mills of God grind slowly! Very, very slowly. One tiny peace of paper has to send from a to b over to c, back to a and so on and on…. that takes a lot of time. Time we don’t have!
My uncle is waiting for money to come through as well, but again, we don’t know when and it may be also too late.
You see, two steps forward, one back-
Throughout the year.
And for almost a month I am suffering from a thumping tinnitus and the doctor did not solve/found the problem yet.
I have no idea why it suddenly started, as I didn’t do anything that could have caused it.
So, we don’t have a house which we desperately need, I have a tinnitus, am constantly tired and run around with puffy eyes.
Oh and did I mention I have a very annoying teenage daughter?
Every time when I read about naughty teenagers or saw bad behaved young teens on the street I thought, it must be the parents fault! Suuuurely it must be!
But…. my son who is only 1 1/2 years older is treated exactly the same way and he is nothing like his sister!
She is driving me out of my mind so much so, that if I would win the lottery I would take the easy way out and send her straight to boarding school so that they could put up with her!
Hey, I love my life!!!
The other day my husband and our youngest one where out, sitting in a well known fast food restaurant, waiting for our order.
And I did something awful! I looked at the staff behind the counter and wondered if they didn’t learn something proper that they have to work in such a place.
But seconds later I realized what I did.
I did the same many do to me when I am at work, which is also a big fast food chain:
People come in and they look you up and down, often have a smirk on their face and are impatient when you don’t type in their order fast enough.
Little do they know, that sometimes people have no choice but to work in shops well known to employ without work specific knowledge, degrees, diplomas and I don’t know what else, because it is the closest to where they live and they can’t afford to work further away, like me.
Usually I don’t mind they’re looks but when it does get to me, I think:
Just out of their nappies, still wet behind their ears and giving me “the look”. I have so much work experience, it would last for two lives!!!
So though the staff might not have realized my look, I do apologize. It was thoughtless.