Category: Mood

Parenthood is so hard…

I have been a parent for almost 18 years now. Longer if you count the pregnancy as well.

When my first born arrived it felt just right. I loved my son straight away despite the fact that he looked like a very red spotty beetle. Motherly love, eh?

When my second one arrived 1 year and 5 month later it was love again, not at (first) sight as she looked like a sumo wrestler baby but fortunately she outgrew that very quickly.

Having them both together was fun and for a long time it was only us, the three musketeers. We had our routine and were happy. But it was also very exhausting and there were days when I had to lock myself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes for a good cry….

Than 10 years later a second beloved daughter arrived and oh she was perfect! I had given up on the fact that when my children are born they have to grow into beautiful individuals but she, my Cailleach, was perfect!

Two years after Cailleach our second son arrived 6 weeks premature but strong and healthy given the circumstances and also so handsome!

Thinking I was exhausted when I had the first two, I can only laugh! Never had I such ferocious dark baggy circles under my eyes which on a daily basis said hello to my knees! I even cried from sleep deprivation as the two little monsters wanted nothing but mommies boobies and arms to be held 24/7 for over a year from the time they arrived.

But if you think toddlerhood is exhausting, wait until you have teenagers. Female teenagers to be precise.

They can be so stubborn, they have their own mind and ways and that is totally fine- as long you don’t live under one roof!

They can be so incredibly lazy that you want to pull your hair out or better theirs and only help around the house if you

a) threaten

or

b) pay them

or

c) well they usually don’t even blink an eyelash when it comes to help out anyway….

I know I should be more considerate, I should just let them be, but the thing is:

My 7 year old daughter is already developing the same attitude! SHE IS 7!!! And I just can’t have another one of this type! It is just too much with everything else going on like paying off a house, finding a proper job that makes me happy with a good wage, getting my garden done (spend hours so far gardening), trying to get the rest of my house done, trying to figure out how to pay for all this….

At the moment I just want peace and quiet. I don’t want to feel sad and tired and puzzled trying to figure out what to do and how to survive another day!

In an ideal world I would come home from a job I love to find my house clean and tidy.

In an ideal world I would be able to make breakfast and cook.

In an ideal world I wouldn’t have to worry about my children’s homework and education.

But this is not an ideal world.

I wished I could stop being a mum, just for a bit, to be able to breath and take care of myself…

I wished it would get easier, but it never does.

But we keep on marching and we keep on loving.

Franky

Orkney or Cork???

Last week I applied for at least 3 vacancies on beautiful Orkney island, mainland.

Yes I know, we just bought a house and I was lucky enough to finally find a job near where I live now….

If there wasn’t a BUT!

But, two things:

  1. There is not much more to achieve for me… I think… on the other hand, I could stick it out until another position as retreat manager or similar will open internally…. But I don’t think I want to work for the rest of my life in a retreat, managing a café and checking guests in and out… Don’t get me wrong, the location, my colleagues and the guests are all lovely…but:
  2. The wage I earn is not enough to provide for my family in case my husband would lose his job or even worse.

And after all we wanted to go Orkney anyway. No, let me rephrase that: I wanted us to go to Orkney! So here is me thinking, searching desperately for a job I love, where I can achieve more skills and where I finally finally settle, happy as Larry!

But it feels as if nobody wants to give me a chance. I apply for jobs but get one rejection after the other and it is very difficult to remain in my Franky-Everything-Will-Be-Alright-Bubble!

My husband says, all you need is the one person who believes in you and gives you a chance to prove yourself! Well it would be nice if that person would turn up!

And now another bomb which could change everything again:

My husband told me yesterday evening all nonchalantly that he applied for some vacancies in, and now here it comes, Ireland! Yes, Ireland!

How exciting is that???

So it might be my husband who moves away for a better job and not me.

However, I will keep you updated!

Franky

Job OCD???

I recently discovered that I probably might have JOB-OCD, if there is such a thing that is!

Maybe you think it might be job hopping, but no, no no I don’t believe it is job hopping.

What I mean is, that whenever I achieved everything there is to achieve, my brain feels as if it is shrinking, followed by the need to want to gain more skills.

In order to gain more skills, I have to look for another job, a different job, a job with perspective or a job where I can progress for a higher position.

There must be a way to find a good paid job which I fully enjoy because there is so much new to learn.

I think that’s why I loved my job at the airport, working as a check-in agent. The wage wasn’t the greatest, but until I left (I got married and moved away) I was taught 3 different check-in systems for different airlines and intern was the possibility to switch to another department and I would have loved to be at the back-office, keeping an eye on all the flights and everything that comes with it.

So yes, I MUST have JOB-OCD, a never-ending thirst for new knowledge!

I wonder if you can cure this with medication….?

Awww the right job will come along sooner or later. Let’s hope sooner than later!

 

Franky

From Vegan to Prescetarian

The transition was not difficult at all, but the decision to do this step was.

I have been a vegetarian for a loooong time and have been a vegan for three years.

Both as vegetarian and vegan I got my blood tested at least once per year to make sure I don’t have any deficiencies. My blood results where always fine, nothing to worry about.

It can take up to one year for your body to adjust to a new lifestyle. So far so good.

But since I became a vegan and looking back on it now I recently realised that I was/am constantly tired, I have put on a bit of weight but worse of all I was constantly ill. Not sickly ill that I needed to stay in bed but often cold ridden which in my case often results in nasty and painful sinus infections. And there is nothing worse than to walk around for days with swollen tiny mole eyes!!!

So I came across a study and to keep it short it basically said that though your blood results can be perfectly fine, your macrobiotics which are to be found in your gut/colon might be out of balance as apparently you get more of those macrobiotics from meat rather than plants.

Vegans and vegetarians might argue this and I would have too but when you are constantly ill and tired… at some point you just have enough and you question your diet which I did.

Of course it could be for totally different reasons like getting older, too much work and stress and too little exercise….

But at the current moment I just need more energy. Enough energy to actual enjoy my spare time with family and friends and not going to bed straight away when I come home.

So I decided to add seafood to my vegan diet which makes me a prescetarian. I will continue this diet for a year and see if something changes which I really hope.

Nighty night everyone.

Franky

A job to make the world a better place

I recently found new employment near wear I live. It is a beautiful location right by one of Scotlands stunning lochs. The job itself is very nice and relaxed and I love the people I work with. I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to prove that I am the right candidate for this job and I am happy to learn new things every day. It was is what I was looking for-

A job near me (only 4 miles) which does not suck the life out of me and where I might get the opportunity to work outdoors every now and then. The payment is okay as well, though would not be enough if I would live on my own never mind with my children.

Now comes the big BUT:

Why is it so difficult to find a job which has some meaning, which would make the world a different even a better place?

Like working on a small island to get the economy going, to attract more tourism and more people willing to live on said place…

I would love to do something like that! Creating a better place through lots of hard work and smart decisions. Built things, create things, help to open schools and kindergarten where there are non…

So why, I ask you, can’t I settle with what I got? Why is there the constant need to learn new things?

Is there such thing as the perfect job? A job where you can’t wait to get up in the morning and give your 110%?

And why, oh why did nobody find me to give me a job like that at?!?

Franky

Why do we cry???

We often hear

“…..let it all out…. just cry…..you feel better after it….”

We cry because we are sad, because we are angry, because we are disappointed and probably because of lots of other things, but does it really make you feel better? Does it change the view or the reason you cried?

We cry because basically we are hurt!

I recently attended a friends funeral. When I heard the sad news I thought I kept it good together. There was a small tear….

I was fine driving down to Wales. I was fine checking into my hotel and have a stroll around the little town and the beach. I slept okay.

I was fine while standing with many others in front of the doors to the little chapel and I also kept it together during mess but when my late friends widow hugged me I really, really had to swallow my tears back and when I was on my way to my car I felt them roll down my cheeks.

So why is that? Is it because I don’t get to talk to him or see him again? Is it because of missed opportunities?

Why do we cry when we argue or when a boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you or your partner divorces you?

Is it because we know we will not share our future together? Is it because we know we want have anymore nice moments together? Is it because the future is unclear now?

Looking at it from a distance we should know these things happen, people die, people can turn on you, people don’t want to be with you, it’s just how the world is and yet we are still hurt by actions.

I personally think, “letting it all out” does not make me feel better, if anything it makes me feel worse, tired and yes even tired of life and how life treats me! Not to mention my eyes! After a good  long cry I look like a boxer after a 12 round fight, really no kidding.

It would be nice if there was a button to switch certain emotions on and off, don’t you agree?

Franky

Letting go of resentment

The one and only Russell Brand recently talked about resentment on his blog.

Now many think Russell Brand is not an adequate role model for such things, but you know it got me thinking for quite some time and I came to the conclusion he is right.

Resentment eats you up. It is not healthy.

And thinking about his words and about the things or actions others did that I resented, I realised I have to let go in order to live a happier life!

You could say the following is a bit of an open letter.

So here it goes. The things that bothered me the most, things I resented, things which just made me feel bad:

Christian, I forgive you for not being able to be my best friend anymore! I do understand your reasons and though I still miss our friendship I am able to let go now.

Dares, I forgive you for making me feel unimportant in your life which eventually ended our friendship. I believe now that you did the best you could, but my standards have been probably too high to reach and I am sorry it ended like it did. But I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!

For my brother whom I haven’t spoken in 15 long years: I forgive you for letting me down in several occasions! I should have just taken you the way you are! I also forgive you for hurting my feelings all those years ago when it came to the final blow. I, we, should have been more civilised and talk about it. I still love you and ever will and wherever you are, I hope you are doing good and that you are truly happy!

To my parents: I forgive you for not being able to make me feel loved! I know you might not have know better but I believe you did the best you could. After all, sometimes it is hard to love your teenager as I should know best as they can drive you mental and I was by far no angel.

Those things have eaten me up and it feels good to finally be able to let go. It is like weight is lifted of my shoulders and I can breath much better.

Franky