…. that’s basically it for I don’t know how long this year.
Since my husband decided he doesn’t want to be in his current job, we have to move house by 1. June 2018. Which actually means, we need/want to buy a house as soon as possible.
No, let me rephrase this:
We have to buy a house rather this year than next. Problem is:
We would like to put a higher deposit for a mortgage down and would like to pay off our car and to do so, we need money.
Money my nice parents and also my uncle would lend us.
My parents need to sell a property first. But the mills of God grind slowly! Very, very slowly. One tiny peace of paper has to send from a to b over to c, back to a and so on and on…. that takes a lot of time. Time we don’t have!
My uncle is waiting for money to come through as well, but again, we don’t know when and it may be also too late.
You see, two steps forward, one back-
Throughout the year.
And for almost a month I am suffering from a thumping tinnitus and the doctor did not solve/found the problem yet.
I have no idea why it suddenly started, as I didn’t do anything that could have caused it.
So, we don’t have a house which we desperately need, I have a tinnitus, am constantly tired and run around with puffy eyes.
Oh and did I mention I have a very annoying teenage daughter?
Every time when I read about naughty teenagers or saw bad behaved young teens on the street I thought, it must be the parents fault! Suuuurely it must be!
But…. my son who is only 1 1/2 years older is treated exactly the same way and he is nothing like his sister!
She is driving me out of my mind so much so, that if I would win the lottery I would take the easy way out and send her straight to boarding school so that they could put up with her!
Hey, I love my life!!!
The other day my husband and our youngest one where out, sitting in a well known fast food restaurant, waiting for our order.
And I did something awful! I looked at the staff behind the counter and wondered if they didn’t learn something proper that they have to work in such a place.
But seconds later I realized what I did.
I did the same many do to me when I am at work, which is also a big fast food chain:
People come in and they look you up and down, often have a smirk on their face and are impatient when you don’t type in their order fast enough.
Little do they know, that sometimes people have no choice but to work in shops well known to employ without work specific knowledge, degrees, diplomas and I don’t know what else, because it is the closest to where they live and they can’t afford to work further away, like me.
Usually I don’t mind they’re looks but when it does get to me, I think:
Just out of their nappies, still wet behind their ears and giving me “the look”. I have so much work experience, it would last for two lives!!!
So though the staff might not have realized my look, I do apologize. It was thoughtless.
I say it straight away, this is going to be a whining post! So if you are in a good mood, do not read any further, just leave, I won’t be angry!
At the present moment it feels like life is totally against me. Or maybe God has forgotten that I too, exist. Or he is just fed up with me, because I ask so many questions and beg him for so many things.
I don’t know as I never get an answer. Either that or I am just too blind to see the signs and/or too deaf to hear what he has to say!
Usually I am a very laid back girl in every aspect of life:
- When someone cheated on me
- When someone left me
- When someone talked about me
- When I got fired
- When I had to move house
- When friends/family turned on me
- When getting lost in the woods or city
- When the daughter things, she can wear make-up by the age of 12
Just life in general. I am just like “yeah happens…..” and I move on. Sometimes me moving on takes up to a few days but after that the sun is shining bright and just for me, as I am the centre of the world!
But at the current moment, no let me rephrase that:
For a while now, I am feeling pretty low, I would almost say even a bit depressed:
When it comes to money, it’s not fun! Do not take friends/family’s money, do not lend money! Pay your bills yourself and here we are:
It feels like I just go to work to pay our bills or for things which are really needed!
I actually wanted to pay of two major things by the end of this year, but we just got hit by another big bill and I can see no end.
I have belly aches, I can’t sleep though I feel constantly tired, I am very impatient (I thought I could not top that, but I am wrong, I successfully mastered myself out!) I don’t even exercise. Yes, you read right, I don’t exercise! Me! For a couple of weeks now, I am feeling that low!
I sit here and ask myself, “will it be like that for the rest of my life?”
Of course husband says, I should not worry and leave it to him, but his wage will not change and mine got reduced due to less working hours (that does not help either!)
If I could, I would look for another job with more hours, but living in a small area, vacancies are rare, plus I can’t afford to drive somewhere to work as I still have a little one here at home.
Oh and did I mention, we’re going to move to Orkney early next year. We need to find a house on time. We also need to get the money somehow (see, MONEY, again).
I also won’t move house anymore which I am rather fond of, moving house that is. I like to see new places and don’t like to be stuck for too long. I moved house a lot in the past. On the other hand it might be time to have my own home. I just hope I won’t struggle for too long.
Why do I always have to walk the rocky path? Why can’t it be easy, even if it is only for a while?
AND… why does the money not grow out of my pockets???
….and God is forgiveness!
Sometimes when the time seems to get tougher and tougher and it feels like I am in free fall and there is nothing that could stop it….
I try to be very still. I go inside me and search for a miracle.
I try to hold onto my faith and talk to God and wait for an answer or a sign or even a miracle.
I hope that God hears me and has not forgotten about me because,
for once, I would like to go the easy way, I don’t want to see the rocky path, so hear me out, please, I’d like a miracle….
Recently I watched “Sex and the city” (I just love the series) and whenever one of those ladies have a (new) date, they meet for dinner and I wondered:
Is that a rich thing, or did I interact with the wrong people? Or is it a culture thing?
When I was still out there dating, not once did a man suggest to pick me up for dinner! A nice cafe once in a while (and even that was rare) but that was it.
Something tells me, that it is a rich thing indeed. Or maybe something wealthy people or people with a high income are able to do as this is what there clientele, family and friends does.
I, however, belong to the species “working class”. Which is my own fault! I know that! I could have put more effort in when I was still in school. But I didn’t. I belonged to the stupid teenagers who only did what was necessary to get a half way decent final school report.
And after I finished and passed my 3 year job training, yes, even then I was still stupid and didn’t take a good job offer….
Just now I just watched the latest episode of “Shameless” and I can relate to it in so many ways. I have seen families like this, was friends with them and some things happened to me as well.
When I watch this show, I can feel their desperation, I know what’s it like not to know how to survive the month. I know how the head ticks when you have to come up with a solution, how it feels like when all you want to do is cry and run away… it is a tough world…
Don’t get me wrong, my husbands wage is higher than most others and I recently got myself a job as well, but we have 4 children, a loan to pay off, next to no savings (hence why I got a job as well) and want to buy a house in the near future.
We are a happy family and can be lucky to have each other… it is okay to be working class and work hard for your money, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish it was easier and the weight on the shoulders a bit lighter.
Keep on dreaming!
Keep on fighting!
Keep on breathing!