Category: Money

Why is life so against me?!

I say it straight away, this is going to be a whining post! So if you are  in a good mood, do not read any further, just leave, I won’t be angry!

At the present moment it feels like life is totally against me. Or maybe God has forgotten that I too, exist. Or he is just fed up with me, because I ask so many questions and beg him for so many things.

I don’t know as I never get an answer. Either that or I am just too blind to see the signs and/or too deaf to hear what he has to say!

Usually I am a very laid back girl in every aspect of life:

  • When someone cheated on me
  • When someone left me
  • When someone talked about me
  • When I got fired
  • When I had to move house
  • When friends/family turned on me
  • When getting lost in the woods or city
  • When the daughter things, she can wear make-up by the age of 12

Just life in general. I am just like “yeah happens…..” and I move on. Sometimes me moving on takes up to a few days but after that the sun is shining bright and just for me, as I am the centre of the world!

But at the current moment, no let me rephrase that:

For a while now, I am feeling pretty low, I would almost say even a bit depressed:

When it comes to money, it’s not fun! Do not take friends/family’s money, do not lend money! Pay your bills yourself and here we are:

It feels like I just go to work to pay our bills or for things which are really needed!

I actually wanted to pay of two major things by the end of this year, but we just got hit by another big bill and I can see no end.

I have belly aches, I can’t sleep though I feel constantly tired, I am very impatient (I thought I could not top that, but I am wrong, I successfully mastered myself out!) I don’t even exercise. Yes, you read right, I don’t exercise! Me! For a couple of weeks now, I am feeling that low!

I sit here and ask myself, “will it be like that for the rest of my life?”

Of course husband says, I should not worry and leave it to him, but his wage will not change  and mine got reduced due to less working hours (that does not help either!)

If I could, I would look for another job with more hours, but living in a small area, vacancies are rare, plus I can’t afford to drive somewhere to work as I still have a little one here at home.

Oh and did I mention, we’re going to move to Orkney early next year. We need to find a house on time. We also need to get the money somehow (see, MONEY, again).

I also won’t move house anymore which I am rather fond of, moving house that is. I like to see new places and don’t like to be stuck for too long. I moved house a lot in the past. On the other hand it might be time to have my own home. I just hope I won’t struggle for too long.

Why do I always have to walk the rocky path? Why can’t it be easy, even if it is only for a while?

AND… why does the money not grow out of my pockets???

Franky

 

Miracles are God….

….and God is forgiveness!

Sometimes when the time seems to get tougher and tougher and it feels like I am in free fall and there is nothing that could stop it….

I try to be very still. I go inside me and search for a miracle.

I try to hold onto my faith and talk to God and wait for an answer or a sign or even a miracle.

I hope that God hears me and has not forgotten about me because,

for once, I would like to go the easy way, I don’t want to see the rocky path, so hear me out, please, I’d like a miracle….

Franky

Working Class

Recently I watched “Sex and the city” (I just love the series) and whenever one of those ladies have a (new) date, they meet for dinner and I wondered:

Is that a rich thing, or did I interact with the wrong people? Or is it a culture thing?

When I was still out there dating, not once did a man suggest to pick me up for dinner! A nice cafe once in a while (and even that was rare) but that was it.

Something tells me, that it is a rich thing indeed. Or maybe something wealthy people or people with a high income are able to do as this is what there clientele, family and friends does.

I, however, belong to the species “working class”. Which is my own fault! I know that! I could have put more effort in when I was still in school. But I didn’t. I belonged to the stupid teenagers who only did what was necessary to get a half way decent final school report.

And after I finished and passed my 3 year job training, yes, even then I was still stupid and didn’t take a good job offer….

Just now I just watched the latest episode of “Shameless” and I can relate to it in so many ways. I have seen families like this, was friends with them and some things happened to me as well.

When I watch this show, I can feel their desperation, I know what’s it like not to know how to survive the month. I know how the head ticks when you have to come up with a solution, how it feels like when all you want to do is cry and run away… it is a tough world…

Don’t get me wrong, my husbands wage is higher than most others and I recently got myself a job as well, but we have 4 children, a loan to pay off, next to no savings (hence why I got a job as well) and want to buy a house in the near future.

We are a happy family and can be lucky to have each other… it is okay to be working class and work hard for your money, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish it was easier and the weight on the shoulders a bit lighter.

That’s all…

Franky

I used to be rock ‘n roll….

now I am a boring house wife!!!

AND I DON’T LIKE IT!!!

I used to be the girl with the nose so high in the clouds,  she could barely see the ground!

I used to be a girl who looked very innocent but shouldn’t be underestimated!

I used to be a very wild child… quiet… who didn’t look for action, but when someone inflicted it, this girl used to have a big mouth and quick fists!

But that was in an ancient  time when said girl didn’t have 2 or even 4 children. When the girl was still independent, bought the world and had only herself to look after!

The girl decided it is time for children. Which she didn’t regret but she didn’t think about that the older the wee ones get, the more they cost!!!

Instead of… partying hard at the weekend until she and her friends where friendly asked by staff to leave, boarding planes to go shopping abroad, going somewhere and turning up days later without knowing what happened, deciding from one second to the other to get a new tattoo… this girl became a mommy and with being a mommy comes a lot of responsibility!

But I tell you what:

Though this girl should know better, she REFUSES, YES  R.E.F.U.S.E.S  to grow up!

I WILL take my old life back! Maybe I don’t run as wild as I used to, but I will be rock ‘n roll again!

It is just a matter of time!

Franky

 

My One Mistake

Normally I am a person who believes in not regretting! I believe that we make mistakes to learn from  and later in time we look back and can laugh about it, make a face or just shake the head and say “happens”.

But my one and only biggest mistake ever was to meet the biological father of my two older children!

If I could go back in time, I would run in the opposite direction instead of getting involved with him.

I am not angry with him because he left me with back then a 1 1/2 and 3 year old, no, I am angry because he changed so much after the split!

I did my very best to raise my children to good polite human beings, I taught them how to tie their shoe laces, how to cycle and even how to swim. I helped them in school and drove them to friends… taught them  not to judge a book by its cover and so much more!

I worked to get food on the table, clothes on the children and a roof over their head.

And what did I get from him? No support whatsoever! No child support until recently (and even for that I had to beg and threat with a lawyer) only negativity and regular threats that he will go to the court to get the children.

And that from a person, who was always broke because he can’t handle money, sometimes didn’t even have a place to live and not even had regular long lasting jobs!

In front of others he always played the good caring loving father, but in real, he only saw the children 3 times PER YEAR!!! No phone calls or emails during the year, no letters. And now that we live abroad, it is only once per year.

But the worst, he involved my precious two innocent babies in our fights, just before when we moved house and once didn’t even want to bring them back!

My children did not have a clue what was going on, I always acted like everything was okay, never let a bad word slip my lips in front of them and what did he do? He talked with them about us! Twisted their minds, made them cry, told them lies…

Fortunately now that they are a bit older they have seen through his game.

I would have forgiven him all the above, but involving children in adult arguments? No! That is a big NO!

So yes, my biggest mistake is, that I met the biological father of my children and if I would be heartless, brainless and dumb like him, I would even say “no” to visits between them.

But I am a good mom, my children have to make up their own mind and decide whether they want to see him or not!

I know God is a loving person and forgives, but sometimes I wish, he would make a bus hit my ex very hard, reverse and do it again… I don’t wish him the death, of course not! But a bit of torture would satisfy me!

Franky

Thoughts on the one word prompt “mistake”

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/mistake/