It has been over a year since my grandma died.
When my husband told me after I got back from my shift in the evening, I cried.
One of those long, loud, raw heartbreaking cries. It didn’t last long.
I cried it out while my husband held me.
I did not cry at the funeral. I didn’t want to. Didn’t want the others to see me like that.
But every time I see a grandma and her grandchildren together, I have tears in my eyes.
The pain does not lessen. It is a constant ache and I know I will be feeling like this forever.
I am certain it is because I can’t hear her voice anymore, can’t phone her up to ask for advice.
That’s what I miss the most. The advice… Advice how to handle things, to hear her opinion.
I lost the most important person in my life….
But that is life, right? Life gives and life takes….
I will survive this with a sad smile.
Do you ever think of me when you cross the street, the rain pouring down on you
Trying to wash away all your guilt?
Do you ever think of me when you feel so low that you want to hang your head
Hang your head because you realise you lost all hope?
Do you ever think of me when all of a sudden a gust of wind carries a sweet scent to you which reminds you of old times
Do you ever think of me when you rush from one corner of the world to the other though all you really want to do is just stand still?
Do you ever think of me while searching for the right words though they are right at the tip of your tounge?
Do you ever think of me in the middle of the night
I think you do
All the time
My heart is so heavy
But the reason is ever so sweet
I carry you in it
The blue in your eyes became a storm
And the fierce fire that has burned within you
Is snuffed out by sheer madness
While your body is violently trembling like a leaf
Shaking from a lovers fading touch
Your flesh still burning
From the remaining bits of love
A distinct scent kisses your shoulder
And endless memories are pumping through your veins
The hollow reflection that stares back at you
From a sea of sadness
Tells you to keep on breathing
Gone is the ones so bright light
Replaced by never ending dark nightmares
Enveloping you like a cozy blanket
Though my eyes have seen it all
And my body felt it
I don’t know fear