Category: Life

Can men and women be “just friends”???

It is 7:13pm. I am sitting in my cognac coloured Chesterfield chair, wearing my grey pyjama. I lathered honey on my face because since I live in the UK, I get spotty from the chlorine in the tapwater.

And while I sit here cross leged I wonder, can women and men be just friends?

Everything inside me wants to scream YES they can! And not only because one party might be gay.

Since I was a little girl, I was always better with boys than with girls. Boys where so much more fun to be around, they didn´t get upset about bad or nasty jokes, you could punch them without them being upset and you could be rough without them crying like a little baby! No offence girls, but you must admit, we can be a bit touchy!!!

I believe the reasons why men like to be friends with me is, that I am a bit like them. I can laugh about me, I´ve got a huge ego (gosh, I am so hot, I could burn myself, GRIN), but I don´t flatter myself over my look, and most importantly, I don´t judge a book by it´s cover.

I have to admit, I love to be around men! Purely because I mustn´t watch my mouth, I can speak what I think. And the opposite sex surely feels the same way.

So I thought at least! But life taught me better. I was friends with a really nice man for 13 years! But after 13 years, he led me down on my birthday, he didn´t even phone. I found out he had a crush on me for a while but he knew he didn´t have a chance because to me, he was like a brother! I loved him, really! Just not the way he wanted or expected me to. I still miss him every now and then.

On my 18th birthday in a club I met a cute guy. Well I was very drunk. All my girlfriends said to me “look at him, are you serious???” They just couldn´t get it. A week later I met him again, and boy believe me when I say my friends where right, what did I think??? I only recognised him because of his short hight. But it wasn´t his looks, it was his personality. Don´t get me wrong, he was a sweet person, just not for me! So I told him, that I made a mistake and that I don´t feel a  connection. So we just stayed friends.

At least so I thought (again)! After over 10 years of friendship he also led me down. When I called him he was always preoccupied with other things and didn´t pay much attention. I tried to talk to him about it…… He always said, he would never find someone as good- looking and great as me… In the end he tried to get away from me by ignoring my emails and phonecalls. Maybe it was his attempt to forget me. Nowadays I think it was the right thing for him to do, to cut all strings if you want to move forward, but back then it just hurt to lose another dear friend.

And once I made the mistake to sleep with a good friend of mine. We got together, though I´ve told him, we shouldn´t as I wasn´t ready and thought it was a silly one-off thing. But when you are young and get told, “you would hurt me even more, if you leave now without being my girlfriend”, specially when his father  has just died, what do you do?! Of course you stay with him just to hurt him even more two years later by telling him, that it is over! We are still in contact over Facebook every now and then but he insists until this day, that I have hurt him the most of all persons!

And even “friends” tried to kiss me at some point.

Awww it is a pain in the …! Unfortunately I must say,

NO! Men and women can´t just be friends!!!

I bet, one of you will say, yes it is possible, I have a dear friend since Anno… but believe you me when I say, one day that person wants to be more than just a friend. BIG SIGH.


Are you not over it?!?

Two days ago I had an interesting conversation with my husband. It was in the morning, hubby was driving and I was babbling away of how proud I was, that I was already out for my morning run and did the todays poem assignment and mentioned that, for some reason I, am more into dark, sad and gloomy poems than funny ones. That funny ones are not really my thing. He asked if I was unhappy and I replied, that everything´s fine. To keep the conversation short, this is what he doesn´t understand:

Why do you bring up bad memories, are you not over them? Does it still hurt? Is there some unfinished business? Do you need to go through it again?

So I tried to make him understand the following:

A lot of bad things happened to me in the past. No physical abuse, but there was some soul damage which caused a lot of heartache and therefore a lot of drama.

Back then I dealt with it my way. I eventually got over it but I wasn´t able to talk about it. It still hurt somehow. I had to heal first and that took some time and it is true:

Time heals all wounds

So when I write or talk about not so nice things which happened in the past, it is not because I am not over it, or because I want to relive the pain. It is because I actually can talk about it, it doesn´t hurt anymore.

Maybe I am like one of my favourite singers B.B. King or Bobby Bland, I just live and feel the blues? Which isn´t a bad thing at all. When I got hurt, at first it seemed the whole world would end, than that everyone is against me. I´ve asked myself a lot of questions and eventually got angry just to find the answer:

If you get hurt by someone (on purpose), that person is just not worth it, not worth your time,not worth your tears, not worth your friendship or love because that very person don´t care about you!

And once I understood, I cut that person out of my life, no turning back! But believe me, those actions are not easy decisions . I tried to keep friendships and love alive as long as I could, but when you get the feeling that nothing is coming back from the other site, that you are the only one putting effort in, it might be better to let go and safe yourself. Because:

If you can´t love yourself, will you be able to love the people around you???

And every time I found answers to my heartache, I felt free and over it. That is why today I can talk about it.


First Love

This early morning I was woken by a weird dream I had. I dreamed of my first love. I dreamed that he asked me “if you where single, would you take me back?” and I replied “No, because I waited far to long for you to come back to me!” Then it turned out he was a vampire and tried to corpse everyone around me. I don´t know if he succeeded because I woke up!

What for a weird dream! We all had our first big  love we thought will ever last and to the ones who are still with their first love: CONGRATULATION! Really, I mean it from the bottom of my heard.

So let me tell you about MY first love:

I was sweet 13 and was standing during frist break in the school hall with my girlfriends talking. And than HE joined us, standing opposite me talking to the other girls but staring and smiling only at me. My heart was racing and I couldn´t get him out of my thoughts for the rest of the day. The following day I was all excited and hoped to see him again- I was in class 7 and he was in class 10, so back then he was 17.

The clock was ringing for the first break and in the hall I met him. He walked straight over to me asking me for a chat outsite. My heart was bumping in my throat, I was so nervous…

He was around 177cm, well-built, full lips (oh how soft his slips where), dark brown eyes, dark short hair and even his skin colour was a bit darker, (I so loved to touch his body); I loved his muscular arms! He was the boy every girl in our town wanted to be with but for some reason he wanted me. Me, the younger little slim girl with long brown hair and blue eyes…

This love back then was so big, I couldn´t be with him and didn´t know how to survive the day without him. We argued, split up and got back together a few times. He was always in my mind and for some reason it seemed, that he always knew where I was. But these feelings where so overwhelming, I could barely take it. Guess I was just to young. Or maybe it was not the right time.

We broke up and got back together for around 3 years until he left the town forever. Naive as I was, I believed he would come back to me! I believed that for a very very very long time! But he never came back and that broke me. It broke me so bad, that every time I met an actually nice man, I compared him to my ex. No one was good enough. I always thought, one day I will be Mrs. B., we would have children and be a happy family…

When my ex left, he took my heart with him, I was so afraid of love, that I built  a big wall around me and shut down. And when I finally realized that when I want to find true love, I have to give him up, I have to let him go. I said to myself, that if he would have really loved me as much I loved him, he would have come back for me. Sad thing is, I never ever told him once, I loved him.

Recently he tried to add me on Facebook. Without a single word. Stubborn as I am, I declined the request. I bet he smiled at that, thinking, she didn´t change!

Would I take him back if I was single? I honestly do not know. We are older now. We moved on. Who knows if we would have still things in common? When I looked at his profile picture though, I wouldn´t have recognized  him at all. He put a bit of weight on and for some reason reminded me of my father, hehehehehe… and who wants to date her daddy?!

He was my first love, we had good and bad times and I don´t regret anything. Back then it might have hurt to think about him, nowadays it just puts a little smile on my lips, it doesn´t hurt anymore because eventually I was ready for a (second) real love, but that is another story!


Every body´s talkin´ (Harry Nilsson song)

Everybody’s talking at me
I don’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind

People stopping, staring
I can’t see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes

I’m going where the sun keeps shining
Through the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the northeast winds
Sailing on a summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone

I’m going where the sun keeps shining
Through the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the northeast winds
Sailing on a summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone

Everybody’s talking at me
Can’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind

I won’t let you leave my love behind
No, I won’t let you leave
Wah, wah
I won’t let you leave my love behind

A gorgeous hunk (of a man)!

Many times I was told, that I´ve got a heart cold as steel when I dumped a boyfriend. When I realized that the crush I once had, was mistaken by just excitment and even that died, I knew I had to end things. So either I did it face to face or when my back then boyfriend lived too far away over the telephone.

Of course I shuddered by the thought of ending things- again. But I just said it like it was:

Hello, I want to end things because I am not in love with you.”

And once it was out I felt really good, relieved that it was over and that person out of my life.  Only one time I felt really sorry and thought maybe it is easier not to contact, phone or see him so he would get the hint. But noooo, one day he just showed up on my doorstep all loved up. With his clothes for a whole weekend (he lived one hour away) and I thought “oh great what does he want? That is Mr. Stupidity in person!” But still feeling sorry (for the first and last time in my life) I let him, my annoyance was written all over my face and I questioned him “what do you want here? Actually I had plans. And what is that for a big disgusting spot on your face?!”

No kiss or anything for the entire weekend and he still didn´t get the hint. After a week he phoned me to ask if anything was okay (bing, finally) and I said it like it is:

“Actually I thought you would get the hint, but since you don´t I wanted to tell you that I am dumping you.”

He took it like a real man, what he didn´t take like a real man was my request not to phone me ever again, because we broke up and I didn´t even want to be friends with him anymore. I think he phoned me three more times until he gave up…

My mother says I am a cold fish, only because it happens that sometimes I forget birthdays. My mothers and fathers. Yes, that happens, so what? They have forgotten some of my birthdays as well but the world is still moving. But apparently the fact that they have forgotten mine is something different! Do I make a fuss, no, because I don´t care!

I do have one dear friend who had to get used to me at first, though we get along very well and have a lot in common, but the way I am, the way I tell/say thinks, so blunt, sometimes she was taken aback but also told me straight away. Of course I have told her, that my intention wasn´t to hurt her feelings and that she shouldn´t take offence and thinks I say personal.

I am the kind of person who teaches her children not to start a fight because that is very wrong. People who start a fight can´t articulate. BUT if they get hit by someone, they have to fight back as fast and strong they can and also that they shouldn´t be scared. Yes, maybe they receive a good (or bad) batter, but the other person will think twice before trying it again! I should know, the man or rather the boy back then inside me was involved in some fights during my school years. Yes, maybe I´ve risked a big lip every now and then, but I never started a fight, that was just to defend me and my dignity!!!

I am also the kind of person who just leaves the house without leaving a note and come back whenever I please. I don´t even think about to take my mobile. Happens.

To be honest, I am glad I am a woman. I am certain I would be an awful man! I mean, my ego is already so huge, it doesn´t fit through any door!

If I was a man for a week ( a day would not be enough), I would look incredible hot. Tall, bald, well-built, green eyes, full lips and tattooed from head to toe. I would be one of the bad guys, a hard bastard. I wouldn´t settle until at least mid 40 and would have (protected) fun with a lot of women. I would have drinks (ooooh nice whisky) with my mates in clubs at weekends and end up with a girl (or two?), having hot rough sex the whole night and once I am finished, I would dismiss her, roll around and fall asleep (just like I do it with my husband!!! ooops did I really just admit that?!)

Of course I would be succesful in my job! Ruthless I would rule my company, take what I want and command my staff but as long they do excellent they would get well paid!

But I am just a good-looking woman with a huge ego who is a bid narcissistic with  a hot bad ass husband who leaves the bad ass attitude outside the house and I am doing just fine!


Bad habits? I don´t have bad habits!!!

My husband says, I do have bad habits and I should get rid of them, immediately!

According to my husband it is very disgusting to leave tissues on the floor wherever I walk. But to my defence I must say, it would be a waste to toss them in the bin after only one use. Yeah, it might be a bit disgusting, but is it really a bad habit?

He also thinks it is rancid, when I clean the car and specially the baby seats. Well not that, the following: So when I clean the seats, of course you find bits of food and also left sweets and when they are still good-looking and somehow clean, I eat them- you shouldn´t waste food, should you?

But the worst habit, according to hubby is:

When I read a book and I am half way through, I have to read the last two pages/the end of the book because I just need to know how it ends! Spoiler alarm? No not at all, because once I know how it ends, I am even more eager to find out, why it ended like that! I do that every single time! Bad habit? No I am just a bit impatient!

At the moment I am reading Pepper Winters “Tears of Tess  series bit didn´t read the last page from the first book yet as I am busy with writing poems for The Commons assignments I signed up for which leaves me quite light headed.

Bad habits? I rather call them lovely incidents!!!