Category: Life

Acrostic Poem

Hear I stay
Excited I unwrap your heart
Layer after
Layer until nothing is left but pure evilness

Greatly you offer me your heart
I am eager to unwrap it just to
Find me wondering why
This heart contains nothing but coldness

Sweet Selfishness

I really like to sit on the kitchen counter! I sit there and eat my lunch, dinner or a snack while sometimes the rest of the family sits in unison in the dining room eating and chatting away.

I also love to sneak into the kitchen, open the cupboard where the sweeties are stuffed inside, take the desired sweet out and munch them very quickly while sitting in a corner on the floor, hoping I don´t get caught.

Sometimes I get up very early in the morning, grab my running kit and make my way out of the house as quick I can, so I can go for a run. ALONE. First thing without doing anything else household wise.

When I go shopping for food, it is mostly veg and fruit what everyone can eat. But sometimes, specially when I am hungry (yes, I know, I shouldn´t go shopping when the belly is rumbling), I buy some treats without thinking of my children or husband. Just for myself. To my defense, it´s not that I don´t want them to have something nice too, I just forget about them.

And though my husband goes to work every day, it happens that I get him up early saturdays, because I want a sleep-in. At least every now and then.

Yes, at the first moment, all the above seem very selfish, I totally agree. But there are always two stories, right?

I like to eat alone in the kitchen, because sometimes I just need some peace, specially early in the morning. Don´t get me wrong, I am a morning person and yet I don´t want to talk much in the morning.

And when I get up early in the morning for my run, I call it my “me-time”. I get up and out with music on my ears and enjoy the peace while running hills up and down until my thighs are burning and I think I need an oxygen-tent, but you know what? I love it!

If you think, I am selfish, because I go shopping and up with treats just for my belly, you are wrong again. I do so, because there are still treats at home for the children and because I know my husband wants to lose a few more pounds and it would be too tempting if I bow and scrape around him with sweets half falling out of my mouth!

And if I demand a sleep-in it is my right! I deserve it! Why? Because I am tired most of the day! My son Cash still sleeps in our bed and like most babies is tossing back and forth and moves around in his sleep which interferes mine.

I try to keep the house clean (sometimes more, sometimes less), I raise four children, need to prepare lunch before my husband leaves at around 7:30am (!), I wash, I cook, I buy food, I walk one of my children to school and pick her back up, with a toddler in the buggy. Did I mention each way takes around 30 minutes because school-child demands to take her balance bike, but runs out of energy so mummy needs to push both, buggy and child on bike?

And when I am really lucky, both little ones sleep after lunch for 1 1/2 hours, so I can do the household just in time to (when they wake up) go out for walkies and/or to the playground.

Selfish? Who calls me selfish?! If taking my time and things I want is called selfish, well then I am proud to admit: Yes, I am a selfish person but don´t feel bad about it!!!

Franky

This is just not my day!

This is just not my day. I should have known the very second I opened my eyes when I heard Cash open the bedroom door for the very first time and I had to jump out of bed to prevent him from falling down the stairs. I was still so tired and barely could keep my eyes open. It was 6:30am. I had to get up anyway to get my children ready for school. I still wonder how my baby grew so much over night?!

So after I got all children ready, I checked my emails quickly just to find a response from a Ebay member about a case I opened regarding a missing item due to an incorrect postcode, saying that it is my own fault. Yes, it is. But only partially as in Paypal I provided the correct postcode and he could have checked with me before sending the item off to prevent any hassles. Instead he offered me to buy another item of him and would refund me, incase the missing one gets back to his address. Nice! And no thanks!

After that I received a scissor I bought from Ebay which was stated as “nearly new and very sharp”, but when I cut my daughters hair, I didn´t find it very sharp. I spend 75£!!! It is a Joewell scissor and for this amount of money and the description “nearly new” I expect it to be immaculate. Obviously I am dreaming.

Than my children and me had to walk, no, march to camp (a 30 minutes walk) for a doctor’s appointment only to be told, that we missed this appointment. My husband said it was 3:45- he mixed that up with one of his appointments. I was so angry with him, trying to phone him 3 times and because he didn´t answer the phone it made me even more angry, so I send him a very nasty text message (I apologized later when he finally phoned me and I cooled down), still sweating from that walk in the burning english sun (did I mention it is very very hilly in North Yorkshire???), with a whinging 3-year-old on the buggy board, a 12-year-old complaining she doesn´t want to walk so far and a 14-year-old who was quite exhausted by pushing the buggy with Cash in it! And I sweated even more on the way back because the whinging of my little daughter turned into loud sobs and screams, that she wanted skittles after the doctor but she hasn´t been to the doctor. After I told her, that we still could go to the shop and get her skittles she was all smiles only for Cash to start crying, because he wanted to be on Deans (my 14-year-old son) shoulders. That crying and whinging continued all the way on Deans shoulders, in the shop and at home as well. The only minutes he was quiet was when I fed him the home-made cheese sticks I did. Well they supposed to be cheese sticks, only that they looked like flat mush pancakes. At least I didn´t burn them and they actually tasted good, despite the fact that I am not the best cook.

I was on my feet the whole day and all I actually wanted to do was to sit on the sofa and read my gossip newspapers and Cosmopolitan (Cosmopolitan doesn´t count as gossip, does it? Maybe fashion and beauty gossip!) I bought this morning. They are still laying on my green drawer in the livingroom, mocking me, because they know I am just too tired. It is only 7:41pm but I am already in my pyjama and will go straight to bed after I finished this blog!

Tomorrow (surely) will be a better day. My running clothes are already next to my bed. So no excuses. Cash and me will drop off Cailleach in school and then we will run. Well I run while pushing him in his running stroller. But for now: Off to bed…

Franky

My childhood (painful memories)

Do you ever catch yourself watching other parents with their children or staring at your friends interaction with their parents? I do. Often. I have seen friends with their parents and I often wonder how it come that they have such a loving relationship to each other. Normally it should be the most common thing in the world. Normally.

When I was little my mother was very strict with me. I had to follow her rules and if I didn´t my bum often felt a wooden or plastic cook spoon. She had to buy one at least once a month! Reasons for her to discipline me where, I came home dirty, having bad grades in school or didn´t want to eat my supper. Once my teacher asked me why I was so bruised and I replied “I fell”. She must have guessed something.

My father never did anything to stop her. I believe it was because he didn´t want to be between the lines.

If I did something wrong, my mother punished me by taking tv and music out of my room and I was grounded, also once she didn´t speak to me for almost a whole year, only because my boyfriend, whom she didn´t even know, was a lot older than me.

Point is: Though she admitted a few years ago, that she made mistakes, I can´t trust her or my father in the way parent and child should. I always tried to please them to get their attention to make it right or better but no matter what I did, it felt like I wasn´t good enough. I felt unloved and unwanted for a long time. After a while I stopped looking for approval because I knew, if I ever want to survive this world, I have to make it without my parents love. I have to get away from them as far I can to make me feel good. I have to make my own decisions without thinking about how they may react and finally I felt better. I felt free.

Nowadays when my mother hangs the phone up on me and sulks, I just think “well at least I have some peace from her for a couple of weeks” and smile to myself. She is not getting the better of me anymore! We get along now but still, I gaze in awe at other parent/child relationships and sometimes think, I am missing out. I always say “… to have my family is like having no family…” because when you feel unsupported and unloved it is just like that.

But then I read the books from Martha Long https://marthalong.wordpress.com/

This lady, who, having went through so much, through so many horrible and evil things, but against all odds she made it and she came out of it so strongly – and I thought “who am I to pity myself? That lady made it, compared to her childhood mine was pure cotton candy on a fair”. Get a grip, pull yourself together and live your life, enjoy it, who knows what comes tomorrow, you only have one life to live!

And that is what I do: I life my live without regrets, I never give up on things and I never lose faith!

Franky

Why do I see pregnant women everywhere?

No matter where I am, I see pregnant women. Or I see mommies with their newborns. Everywhere! Reason why I see them constantly probably is, that I wish I was them.

When it comes to babies, my brain switches of and only my heart keeps on beating and I think how wonderful it would be, to have one or two more of those cute little creatures who loves you unconditionally. What would I give to feel their first movements in my belly again, see little feet press against their 9 month 1 room apartment. To see my baby for the first time, to hold him or her, to smell the skin and to breastfeed….

Of course I totally forget, that my womb can´t carry another child because I already had 4 children, sadly through c-section and because of that I suffered from “hidden ruptures” which means, that the scar thinness out before the due date. I also forget, that my youngest one was a few weeks premature and that it would happen again. Also forgotten are the sleepless nights, because breastfed babies seem to drink 24/7. I don´t think about, that children when they get older cost a lot of money and that every child wants attention from mommy. And of course mommy forgets how awful she felt, because of all the extra weight she carried around and that she is one of those who doesn´t loose weight while breastfeeding.

Noooo, all I think is how wonderful it would be to have another little one in my arms.

When I see pregnant women or new mommies I smile. But it is a sad smile because I know I will never experience that ever again and I know I have to find a way to get over it.

I do have four wonderful children and that is more than most others have and I am grateful for them, but still… it makes me sad, a bit…

Franky

Teenagers- I wish they where sweet little angels again!!!

I must admit, I was a horrible teenager. But then again, I probably was like all teenagers. I wanted to find out, how far I can go- like my older daughter. There is not one day, she doesn´t make me mental! It starts early in the morning. I have to tell her 3 million times to get ready and to wash. . . And when she did, I have to inspect her teeth just to send her back upstairs to brush them again and also to tell her to brush her hair.

Or when I ask her to tidy up her bedroom. Oh what for a big sigh do I get. I tell her to hurry up, because it is unfair that her brother has to put up with their other two little siblings while she is taking her time. She likes to do that- a lot! I shout for her and all I get is……………………………………………………………………………………. nothing! So I shout for her 3 more times until her majesty finally opens the bedroom door and says sweetly “yes, mommy? did you call me?”. Does she think I am stupid? Of course she heard me the first time!

Often she likes to act like Mother Theresa only that it feels like Elmira from the Loony Tunes. She bosses her little sister (she is 3) and her little brother (he is 1) around. And because they have their own mind it often ends in tears and shouts. When we go outside for example, she acts like she was their mother. But she doesn´t give her commands in a nice way, nooooo, she is loud and impatient and every few minutes I hear her unnerving loud voice shouting out to them until I have to remind her that I am their mother and someday (rather later than sooner) she will have children of her own to command but until then I want her to finally keep her mouth shut. Oh how nice would it be, if she would shut up straight away after my speech- yeah, that was a good one. Of course I have to repeat myself (did I mention I hate to repeat myself?!) two more times.

But the worse thing is, she sneaks food in her bedroom. Food like little treats for my little mouse after school. And just this morning I found 10 (10!) little fruit gummy packages in her room. Oh she made me so so angry because that wasn´t the first time she did that. I was so disappointed in her that she actually steals their siblings treats. I mean come on, it is not that she doesn´t get sweets. I must admit I lost it a bit this morning and shouted at her.

But it doesn´t matter how I do it, I do it wrong. Do I speak with angelic tounges to her, it doesn´t do much and if I shout at her either. SIGH. Guess you just have to be brave during the whole teenager time. Specially me. I was a wild child as well, so I know exactly how she must feel and that is why I try not to shout or to forbid her much, but still. When she looks at me and doesn´t move a single bone though I asked her to do something, oh boy… Mental, one day I go mental!!! I always tell myself “patience, have patience” but how much patience can a parent have?!?

My son on the other hand is not affected. He is a god boy, sure he is cheeky every now and then, but that is it. He wants to please us, he is just like my sister who always tries to please others (and our parents).

Back then, when I still raised my two older ones alone, I often wished them to be older and more independent as it was so exhausting with two toddlers alone. OH IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN.

Dear parents with only toddlers let me give you advice, don´t wish for them to grow quick. Toddler years are nothing compared to teenager years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What would I give for them to be cute little toddlers again. Before you know it they are all grown up. I look at my little ones and my heart is bleeding, because they are growing so fast.

But we will make it through the teenage years, sure I will get grey hairs because of it, but hey I said yes to my children, I planned and wanted them and will love them until I take my last breath!

Franky

#youngerself

If you could time travel, what would you give yourself for advise? Would you travel back in time? Would you say something to your younger self or would you just watch? Would you want to change your past or would you do everything exactly the same?

If I could travel back in time to meet myself, it would be just the day before I met my ex and father of two of my children. I would tell her (me), that if she goes to work tomorrow a good-looking young man will come in the tattoo shop to get a piercing done. I would warn her not to get blended by his looks and his bright smile as he is a mummy´s darling. That this man is constantly broke and that your friends will not even like him.

And if she still doesn´t believe me, I will also tell her, that she will have two children with him to whom he is very impatient and that they cry a lot around him. And when she says, that when she is not going on a date with him, she will not have those wonderful children, I will return that there are a specific number of souls, souls of little babies meant for every woman on this earth and that this two wonderful children will come, just a bit later with the right man.

I would continue, telling her after 2 years he will make her cry every day and that she will ask herself, what she is doing wrong, that she looks very unhappy, from the inside as well as from the outside. And after 3 years he will cheat and will split up from her, that he doesn´t even pay child support for a couple of years and even then, that she has to beg for every single penny and also that he is not interested much in the little ones, never calls, emails and only sees them 3, maybe 4 times a year! Also will he threaten her, to take the children away via court only because she doesn´t have much time as she has to work so much to get food on the table and clothes on their bodies!!!

And when she finally agrees to stay away from this man, she might ask me about the future. The only thing I would tell her is that as per usual we took the rocky way, that we had ups and downs but that we are finally and truly happy.

I would hug my younger self good-bye and leave.

I did a lot of stupid things in my life (who doesn´t?!), I made wrong decisions, but I don´t regret anything!!! Nothing!

Except getting involved with my ex.

But we all learn from our mistakes and what doesn´t kill us makes us stronger.

Franky