Category: Husbands

Funny dirty talk while running

While running through the woods today, my husband asked

“Would you like some sex?”

“No!”, I replied.

“I could beat you with my huge one”, he went on.

“Why? Do you want to knock me out with it?”, I asked…

Good to know we are still silly with each other after 6 years of being together!


What happened to sex dreams?!?

I woke up this morning and was quite annoyed about the fact that I had a sex dream.

But not the usual type of sex dream, oh no, that would have been too good to be true! Ts.

The dream I had started so nice. . .

For some reason I was friends with a boy who looked exactly like Austin Butler! You know the cute guy who plays in the “Shannara Chronicles” and also in “The Carrie Diaries”.

We where hanging out and then he said “….let me hug you….” and so he did, only that the hug lasted longer than it should have considering the fact, you are only friends.

I remember I snuggled into him, feeling his warm body pressing into mine. I felt a million butterflies in my belly and a nice tingling sensation started in “south under”.

But hold on, something wakes me up. Sure you know the feeling, when you just woke up from a horny dream or even better, when you even “made it to the end”.

So I tried desperately to fall back asleep to continue my dream and I even manage it.

So back to the cosy hug. He then looks me deep in the eyes and I think

Yes baby, let’s get it on…

I can feel my heart beating like wild when he says “I want you… not as friend…”, his lips are only inches away from mine and I can feel his warm minty breath.

All I can think of is, go on, pleeeeeease kiss me, but I say

“I can’t do that, I am married!”

And wake up! Wait, what?!? Seriously???

I mean, apart from the fact that in reality he wouldn’t be my type because

a) he is around 10 years younger

b) blond and blue eyes,

I would have appreciated a nice naughty dream.

That is all my husbands fault! He ruined me! Before I knew him I always had sex dreams! ALL.THE.TIME!

Never mind whether I was in a relationship or not. In case you think, that is bad and I might miss something:

To me, there is no meaning when it comes to dreams. It is just what it is, a dream.

I mean, once I dreamed I had sex with Willem Dafoe and no offense Mr. Dafoe, but you are so absolutely not my type at all!

So I wonder, are sex dreams which excludes your other half, lost forever once you are married and off the market?



The “Best Friend Ad”

Though it is almost 7 years  since my best friend and me “split-up”, I still miss him.

Or maybe it is the fact that I miss a best (male) friend in general. Maybe I should mention that I prefer male best friends over females, because lets face it ladies, most of us get offensive, take things personal or I don’t know what else by things we get to hear.

I am a little exception. I don’t take things and life too serious, I am easy going, speak my mind and believe that is why the opposite sex likes to hang out with me.


Recently I got asked by a runner I met a couple of month ago if we could run together as he got a bit lazy and knows that my husband and me run a lot. Or maybe he meant just my husband and just wanted to be polite not to say out loud that he doesn’t want to run with me as well. But let’s say, he meant us both.

So I got all excited, dreaming about a new best friend. Of course husband claims, there must be more to it and that I fancy him.

To get this straight:

Said runner has a girlfriend, I have a husband. So that would be a no-go!

But if I could place an ad it probably would say this:

Looking for a new best friend.

You should be:

  • Between 30 and 55 years of age.
  • Able to pay your own bills.
  • An active sports person, preferably a runner
  • Tattooed
  • Cultivated
  • Easy going and laid back attitude

You should have the same or similar interests like:

  • Reading
  • Like to go out and socialize
  • TV series and sitcoms
  • Love to spend time outdoors

You should not be:

  • A drunk
  • A smoker
  • Pitiful
  • Dishonest
  • Disrespectful/ Impolite

The look should be:

  • Slim/Well built figure
  • Casual laid back and original sense of style

I am not looking for any kind of romance! If you think you fulfill the requirements, send me an email with picture.

Phew, looks like quite some expansive ad.

Yeah, a new best friend would be more than nice, but if our “running-date” next week is just that, a running date and no further interpersonal  connection, then so be it.

But who knows maybe with a bit luck, I get/got myself a new buddy!



What if your partner cheats on you???

A few days ago, I have seen my doctor because I had/have some… hmmmm…. let’s say “ladies issues” in the south under department. So I was tested for stds and also asked if I was married or slept with anyone else but my husband.

Of course not! This begs the question, what if my husband was unfaithful? What if he had a weak and/or drunken moment and it just happened? Though I can’t imagine him doing such a cruel thing. But many women think or thought like that until it hit them.

What would you do? What if you are happy in your relationship and you think everything is running smooth and all of a sudden your doc phones to tell, you caught a nasty disease which you can only get via intercourse?

I think the effect of gasping would set in,

air, I can’t get enough air...

followed by anger…

where is my baseball bat???

If I was still single and I wouldn’t have children with my husband, I would pack my bags immediately. Probably I would want to know why, but I couldn’t forgive. To betray me like that. I wouldn’t even argue, I would just leave and I wouldn’t want him back. Ever!

BUT the thing is, I am married. I am a catholic married women. AND I believe in my religion. To say I pack my bags and leave would be me betraying my religion, plus my older children would loose another father and my little children a family life on top.

I couldn’t bare that.

Knowing I have to spend the rest of my life with someone who cheated on me, is not appealing at all. But once you did the commitment and signed the paper, you have to stay and make the best of the worse.

Could I ever forgive? I believe that takes quite some time. But I know I couldn’t forget it.

Would I cheat as well? What goes around comes around was never for me nor will it ever be.

I rather go with:

“One day fate will bite you in the arse!”

Do I worry about whether or not I get a bad phone call from my doc? No, I do not.

But still, religion aside. What would you do, when children are involved? Would you split up, throw a (long) good relationship away? Or would you do it like “in the old times”, repair and pull through it?


God, running & me

Yesterday morning, I went to Reeth in Swaledale for my usual 7k morning run with a bunch of other lovely runners.

For those who might think “what the hell is Swaledale?”, here is a picture of a part in Swaledale:

As you can see, it is very hilly.

So when I drove along in my car, the temperature dropped down to 3C, it was very windy and on top of that it started to rain.

Not the best conditions for a run, also husband said, I was stupid to go for a run in the morning, when we will do a 10k night race in the evening as well. I would be too knackered and not make it…

When I arrived, I went straight to the shop where we all meet, had a little chat with the others and than 9:30am on the dot the shop owner send us out, timing us as per usual.

It was only a bit of rain every now and then but the wind got so strong, that I couldn’t breath properly and it blew straight into my face. On the open field it got really bad and for a second I thought about a DNF (did not finish).

A DNF on a 7k route? That was just ridiculous. I was warm, I was awake, so on I went.

Then I came to the hill section:

You see that hill at the back? That’s where we run up. But because the wind was so strong, I didn’t even try to run it up.

I walked it up. Very slowly with the wind pushing me backwards.

Again I sounded like an old engine which was falling apart and if that wasn’t enough, I felt something around my bum. When I turned around, I have seen this:

You know these monster of dogs are huge, right? And I am a very short person… It was sniffing all around me, obviously it liked the smell of sweat.

Fortunately it was harmless and the owner called it back after some minutes!

When I was almost up the hill, lungs where screaming at that point, I had to turn right and that did it!

The wind was blowing in my back. It was so strong, it felt like someone was pushing me up the hill.

I looked up in the sky and said over and over again

“Thank you God, just push me a bit further”.

Well, what can I say? He pushed me all the way back to the shop, I was flying, my legs almost gone without the rest of me and it felt great.

You might just think, it was just the wind, get over with, but I like to believe, that God did hear my very weak whiny thoughts and helped me a bit.

He did the same in the evening when hubby and me did the night race.

We went to Osmotherley for a 10k night run and this was part of the route:

We have been ankle deep in mud, water, through a beck, over roots… well almost everything you can imagine when trail running.

I was running up a hilly section again and when I thought, I can’t make it anymore it went downhill for a long time and I picked up speed, overtook some people and my legs didn’t feel so tired anymore.

It was great fun. Too bad I didn’t see when my husband fell straight into knee deep puddles, getting all soaked, hehehehehe.

God must have remembered how husband lost the rag with poor wifey in the car minutes before the race over a song he insisted was from Tracy Chapman but really was from Dido (proofed him wrong the second we got home on YouTube!!!)

We shall not forget:

God hears and sees everything!!! giggles…


P.S.: Of course I made the race, guess my time was 1h for 10k. Will find out results today!!! Proven hubby wrong- again!

You´re drunk you silly old fool!!!

Every time before my husband attends a mess meeting I say:

“Darling, don´t get too drunk, you should be a good example, you are a

staff sergeant!!!”

And yesterday I did it again but my speech just reached a wall. His reply was that he has to drink! Hmmmm…. is getting drunk a way of socializing nowadays? Did I miss something? Or is it the british culture to get, sorry for the following, pissed on meetings (no offence, I just wonder why, WHY)?!

When hubby got home in the middle of the night it sounded like a horde of elephants tramped through my house. Somehow he made it upstairs to our bedroom just to announce, that he is drunk followed by a plunk on his side of the bed. After just a murmur of me, I heard him saying “oh not good” and he scampered as fast as he could in his condition back out of the bed and in the bathroom. And than I heard the well-known sounds of retching which I just  acknowledge with a dry sly smile!

“Serves him right”, I thought while turning around to the other side, trying to find my way back into sheepy clouds of sleep which unfortunately where highly disturbed of my husbands failures to walk:

I heard him fall down the hall, down the stairs and even up the stairs accompanied with the words “ hell”. Not my words- his words!

He was still wandering around the house, well wandering like an elf wouldn´t describe it at all, it was more like an earthquake until his final showdown:

I heard him running and then a loud splatter. Unfortunately he didn´t make it on time to the loo and specially to open the lid which I found out this morning before I drove Cailleach to school- I only wanted to go quickly to toilet downstairs, opened the door and this smell hit me and the disaster looked me straight in the eye. To his defence, he tried to clean it up as good as a drunk can do.

So when I drove him to work this morning, still drunk, he leaned out of the window like a dog (did I mentioned it was and still is pouring down), trying not to throw up- he also failed that. One hour later I had to pick him back up and now he is laying upstairs sleeping his killer hangover and playing the dying swan!

Well my darling husband, your 20s are long gone, you can´t keep up with those youngsters from yesterday and sorry (not) for saying it:

But I told you so!!!

Oh and please would you care to find your glasses???