Two days ago I had an interesting conversation with my husband. It was in the morning, hubby was driving and I was babbling away of how proud I was, that I was already out for my morning run and did the todays poem assignment and mentioned that, for some reason I, am more into dark, sad and gloomy poems than funny ones. That funny ones are not really my thing. He asked if I was unhappy and I replied, that everything´s fine. To keep the conversation short, this is what he doesn´t understand:
Why do you bring up bad memories, are you not over them? Does it still hurt? Is there some unfinished business? Do you need to go through it again?
So I tried to make him understand the following:
A lot of bad things happened to me in the past. No physical abuse, but there was some soul damage which caused a lot of heartache and therefore a lot of drama.
Back then I dealt with it my way. I eventually got over it but I wasn´t able to talk about it. It still hurt somehow. I had to heal first and that took some time and it is true:
Time heals all wounds
So when I write or talk about not so nice things which happened in the past, it is not because I am not over it, or because I want to relive the pain. It is because I actually can talk about it, it doesn´t hurt anymore.
Maybe I am like one of my favourite singers B.B. King or Bobby Bland, I just live and feel the blues? Which isn´t a bad thing at all. When I got hurt, at first it seemed the whole world would end, than that everyone is against me. I´ve asked myself a lot of questions and eventually got angry just to find the answer:
If you get hurt by someone (on purpose), that person is just not worth it, not worth your time,not worth your tears, not worth your friendship or love because that very person don´t care about you!
And once I understood, I cut that person out of my life, no turning back! But believe me, those actions are not easy decisions . I tried to keep friendships and love alive as long as I could, but when you get the feeling that nothing is coming back from the other site, that you are the only one putting effort in, it might be better to let go and safe yourself. Because:
If you can´t love yourself, will you be able to love the people around you???
And every time I found answers to my heartache, I felt free and over it. That is why today I can talk about it.