Category: friendship

Perception of Joker

Yesterday hubby and me watched the new ‘Joker’ movie and it was great and sad and disturbing and I could identify with the character in so many ways…

Many of us have seen ‘Joker’ movies before and in general the character of the ‘Joker” is a mental person, a twisted one, an evil persona or so it seems on the first look.

When I watched the movie the person I have seen was a deeply sad person. A man who felt invisible to society, to people around him, to women to everyone really. I felt that people would look down at him, laugh at him and no matter how hard he would try, it would never seem enough to be accepted or appreciated or just be honest with him!

How many of you felt that way before? How many of you felt alone? How many of you thought, you are not good enough…. at work, at relationships, friendships….? How many of you felt mistreated? How many of you felt unloved and not pretty enough only because you do things different or think in an unconventional way? How often have you thought, you will never be better or overcome your ‘working class status’?

In today’s world people look at you and judge you in the first few seconds, they make up their mind without putting the effort in, in getting to know you. What for a sad sad thing to do, I hang my head in shame for everyone who acts this way!

Nowadays the first reaction when people hear that someone has mental health problems like bipolar or a form of schizophrenia, ADHS, anxiety and lots of other things is disgust or comments like “they should get their act together”! Why not show a bit compassion, why not ask the person next to you how he/she is doing? Why not ask yourself if you yourself is right in the head? Aren’t we all a bit mental? Don’t we all have problems? For some their problems might be nothing major, for others it might be the end of the world….

So here I sit now, reminiscing…. and let me tell you the following:

I don’t know you, I don’t know your story but I know you are out there and I feel for you! It might not be today or tomorrow, but the day will come where you see the light in the end of the tunnel and you will feel better! And whoever tries to tell you, you are not right or not good enough, do not listen to them! You are unique and perfect in every way and you are loved and you will be cherished! You might not know it now or not have found the one just yet, but there is someone who can’t wait to meet you and give you what you are looking for and what you deserve! Don’t forget to breathe, do smile, do laugh and make the best of life as you deserve nothing but the best!

Do not give up, ever!

Franky

 

 

Letting go of resentment

The one and only Russell Brand recently talked about resentment on his blog.

Now many think Russell Brand is not an adequate role model for such things, but you know it got me thinking for quite some time and I came to the conclusion he is right.

Resentment eats you up. It is not healthy.

And thinking about his words and about the things or actions others did that I resented, I realised I have to let go in order to live a happier life!

You could say the following is a bit of an open letter.

So here it goes. The things that bothered me the most, things I resented, things which just made me feel bad:

Christian, I forgive you for not being able to be my best friend anymore! I do understand your reasons and though I still miss our friendship I am able to let go now.

Dares, I forgive you for making me feel unimportant in your life which eventually ended our friendship. I believe now that you did the best you could, but my standards have been probably too high to reach and I am sorry it ended like it did. But I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!

For my brother whom I haven’t spoken in 15 long years: I forgive you for letting me down in several occasions! I should have just taken you the way you are! I also forgive you for hurting my feelings all those years ago when it came to the final blow. I, we, should have been more civilised and talk about it. I still love you and ever will and wherever you are, I hope you are doing good and that you are truly happy!

To my parents: I forgive you for not being able to make me feel loved! I know you might not have know better but I believe you did the best you could. After all, sometimes it is hard to love your teenager as I should know best as they can drive you mental and I was by far no angel.

Those things have eaten me up and it feels good to finally be able to let go. It is like weight is lifted of my shoulders and I can breath much better.

Franky

 

A thought…..

Would it be selfish to tell you that after such long time I still miss you

though I know you don’t want to hear about it as it makes your heart heavy?

Franky

Think of me

Do you ever think of me when you cross the street, the rain pouring down on you

Trying to wash away all your guilt?

Do you ever think of me when you feel so low that you want to hang your head

Hang your head because you realise you lost all hope?

Do you ever think of me when all of a sudden a gust of wind carries a sweet scent to you which reminds you of old times

Carefree times?

Do you ever think of me when you rush from one corner of the world to the other though all you really want to do is just stand still?

Do you ever think of me while searching for the right words though they are right at the tip of your tounge?

Do you ever think of me in the middle of the night

Wide awake?

I think you do

All the time

I am not a”we”-person!!!

A couple of days ago my husband got quite frustrated with me. We where kind of arguing and he said something like

“why can’t I get through these walls?”

I heard this before. At some point, people get annoyed, angry or frustrated and say thinks like

“You just shut down”…..”why can’t I get through to you?”…. “your walls are so thick there is no way to break through”….

Sigh…. yes, I know that. But there is a reason for that!

Why do we built walls? Walls are there to protect.

And I am my own person!

I never wanted to get married, or maybe back then I have given up the hope of ever getting married because I just didn’t find love, real love, not just a “crush”.

When I met my husband and new I will spend the rest of my life with him, I have given up a lot.

I have given up my wild days…. given up to go on dates (well, you should do that if you are in a mutual monogamous  relationship), given up to just book the next flight to see your bestie, given up to go out with friends and come home whenever you please…

And that is okay! Really!

What I did not sign up for is the “we”-part! I do not want, never was in the past and never will dissolve in a

“we don’t agree”, “we had so much fun at yours”, “we will think about it”, “did you like the pictures we posted (of course on his Facebook page as well!!!)?” –

sort of person.

I have my own mind, my own thoughts and the walls, the last remaining piece of me, is my sanctuary! The place no one ever will be aloud to enter!

I just need this. I don’t want to share this as well, that is a piece of me, who makes me, me. And I have to protect these walls!

I think everyone who is in a long-term relationship or simply likes some kind of self-protection knows what I am talking about.

We just don’t want to get hurt and/or to disappear. We want to remain true  because we are proud of the person who stares back at you in the mirror!

If you are comfortable with it, let your guard down, but keep a remaining bit of wall just to yourself, no matter what others might say!

Franky

I can not let go

 

I was and probably will always be your favourite and that makes me smile as it makes me feel special. I have seen it in your eyes and heard it in your warm voice. It was your giggles I loved the most.

I can’t remember what you smelled like but the cloud of softness when you hugged me is still present.

You where there for me when no one else was. You put me straight and told me what was needed. You where and still are worried about me.

You are “old and tired” you once  said and I replied, “but I will need you forever, I don’t have anyone else but you”.

I have seen the sadness in your eyes when you looked at me, the lost child with the brave smile.

I miss being with you in the lively kitchen, miss our long conversations on the phone. I hear your voice, I hear your giggles, it is right there but I wished it was right next to me.

I know I have to let you go. But I am not ready. I would like to tell you, “it is okay. You can leave. I am able to stand on my own feed”.

But my heart is too heavy in my chest.

I am sorry, so sorry but I can not let go…