A couple of days ago my husband got quite frustrated with me. We where kind of arguing and he said something like
“why can’t I get through these walls?”
I heard this before. At some point, people get annoyed, angry or frustrated and say thinks like
“You just shut down”…..”why can’t I get through to you?”…. “your walls are so thick there is no way to break through”….
Sigh…. yes, I know that. But there is a reason for that!
Why do we built walls? Walls are there to protect.
And I am my own person!
I never wanted to get married, or maybe back then I have given up the hope of ever getting married because I just didn’t find love, real love, not just a “crush”.
When I met my husband and new I will spend the rest of my life with him, I have given up a lot.
I have given up my wild days…. given up to go on dates (well, you should do that if you are in a mutual monogamous relationship), given up to just book the next flight to see your bestie, given up to go out with friends and come home whenever you please…
And that is okay! Really!
What I did not sign up for is the “we”-part! I do not want, never was in the past and never will dissolve in a
“we don’t agree”, “we had so much fun at yours”, “we will think about it”, “did you like the pictures we posted (of course on his Facebook page as well!!!)?” –
sort of person.
I have my own mind, my own thoughts and the walls, the last remaining piece of me, is my sanctuary! The place no one ever will be aloud to enter!
I just need this. I don’t want to share this as well, that is a piece of me, who makes me, me. And I have to protect these walls!
I think everyone who is in a long-term relationship or simply likes some kind of self-protection knows what I am talking about.
We just don’t want to get hurt and/or to disappear. We want to remain true because we are proud of the person who stares back at you in the mirror!
If you are comfortable with it, let your guard down, but keep a remaining bit of wall just to yourself, no matter what others might say!
I was and probably will always be your favourite and that makes me smile as it makes me feel special. I have seen it in your eyes and heard it in your warm voice. It was your giggles I loved the most.
I can’t remember what you smelled like but the cloud of softness when you hugged me is still present.
You where there for me when no one else was. You put me straight and told me what was needed. You where and still are worried about me.
You are “old and tired” you once said and I replied, “but I will need you forever, I don’t have anyone else but you”.
I have seen the sadness in your eyes when you looked at me, the lost child with the brave smile.
I miss being with you in the lively kitchen, miss our long conversations on the phone. I hear your voice, I hear your giggles, it is right there but I wished it was right next to me.
I know I have to let you go. But I am not ready. I would like to tell you, “it is okay. You can leave. I am able to stand on my own feed”.
But my heart is too heavy in my chest.
I am sorry, so sorry but I can not let go…
Keep on dreaming!
Keep on fighting!
Keep on breathing!
Yesterday I have seen one of my husbands colleagues and every time I see him, he reminds me so much of my ex best friend, they even have the same features and the day our friendship ended comes back to my mind:
I sat waiting on a bench and a good friend, let’s call her D. finally found out, why my best friend of 13 years suddenly disappeared from me.
D. said to me:
“He is in love with you… he doesn’t and can’t see you anymore…”
The very second she said those words, my face felt all hot and I had tears in my eyes which I could hardly swallow back and my heart, my tiny heart, burst into a million peaces, because I knew he called our friendship off for good as I could not love him the way he would like me to.
Sure, a while ago he said thinks like “why don’t I find a woman like you…”, but I didn’t give it further thoughts.
So yesterday this scene of that particular day was in my head again. How I tried to hold up the whole day and breaking down in the evening in bed…
It got me thinking, why on earth did he fall in love with me???
He knew me inside out, he has seen me on my lowest, knew my dark side, my weakness, all badness and yes, also my good side, but still, why did he fall in love?
I am being honest here, if it was possible to check a person before you get together, I don’t think I would want a relationship unless the desired person is almost flawless and we all know, those people don’t exist!
Let’s face it, a relationship means more or less hard work.
Does the humankind need all this fuss about open toothpaste… leaving laundry behind so that one can backtrack their every single step… dealing with jealousy… or frankly dealing with unnerving attributes?!
I don’t think so! Maybe it would be easier with just a friend-with-benefits…
Sigh, I know sooner or later love is always in the way.
Still, I think, why, oh why???
And though he also had unnerving attributes, I still miss my old bestie…
My dear husband just read my last post
and claims, it reads like a dating ad!
Which of course I denied, because it isn’t. So the conversation goes on and he asks me, if I would be single looking for a man, would I change or add anything?
“No”, I said because I like to surround me with men who are like me. If I don’t have much in common with someone, there is not much of a connection and if you want to call someone your best friend, it is (at least in my case) because you are very much alike!
So I wonder:
Is it wrong to seek the same attributes in a best friend???
Though it is almost 7 years since my best friend and me “split-up”, I still miss him.
Or maybe it is the fact that I miss a best (male) friend in general. Maybe I should mention that I prefer male best friends over females, because lets face it ladies, most of us get offensive, take things personal or I don’t know what else by things we get to hear.
I am a little exception. I don’t take things and life too serious, I am easy going, speak my mind and believe that is why the opposite sex likes to hang out with me.
Recently I got asked by a runner I met a couple of month ago if we could run together as he got a bit lazy and knows that my husband and me run a lot. Or maybe he meant just my husband and just wanted to be polite not to say out loud that he doesn’t want to run with me as well. But let’s say, he meant us both.
So I got all excited, dreaming about a new best friend. Of course husband claims, there must be more to it and that I fancy him.
To get this straight:
Said runner has a girlfriend, I have a husband. So that would be a no-go!
But if I could place an ad it probably would say this:
Looking for a new best friend.
You should be:
- Between 30 and 55 years of age.
- Able to pay your own bills.
- An active sports person, preferably a runner
- Easy going and laid back attitude
You should have the same or similar interests like:
- Like to go out and socialize
- TV series and sitcoms
- Love to spend time outdoors
You should not be:
- A drunk
- A smoker
- Disrespectful/ Impolite
The look should be:
- Slim/Well built figure
- Casual laid back and original sense of style
I am not looking for any kind of romance! If you think you fulfill the requirements, send me an email with picture.
Phew, looks like quite some expansive ad.
Yeah, a new best friend would be more than nice, but if our “running-date” next week is just that, a running date and no further interpersonal connection, then so be it.
But who knows maybe with a bit luck, I get/got myself a new buddy!