Category: Family

Bad habits? I don´t have bad habits!!!

My husband says, I do have bad habits and I should get rid of them, immediately!

According to my husband it is very disgusting to leave tissues on the floor wherever I walk. But to my defence I must say, it would be a waste to toss them in the bin after only one use. Yeah, it might be a bit disgusting, but is it really a bad habit?

He also thinks it is rancid, when I clean the car and specially the baby seats. Well not that, the following: So when I clean the seats, of course you find bits of food and also left sweets and when they are still good-looking and somehow clean, I eat them- you shouldn´t waste food, should you?

But the worst habit, according to hubby is:

When I read a book and I am half way through, I have to read the last two pages/the end of the book because I just need to know how it ends! Spoiler alarm? No not at all, because once I know how it ends, I am even more eager to find out, why it ended like that! I do that every single time! Bad habit? No I am just a bit impatient!

At the moment I am reading Pepper Winters “Tears of Tess  series bit didn´t read the last page from the first book yet as I am busy with writing poems for The Commons assignments I signed up for which leaves me quite light headed.

Bad habits? I rather call them lovely incidents!!!


You´re drunk you silly old fool!!!

Every time before my husband attends a mess meeting I say:

“Darling, don´t get too drunk, you should be a good example, you are a

staff sergeant!!!”

And yesterday I did it again but my speech just reached a wall. His reply was that he has to drink! Hmmmm…. is getting drunk a way of socializing nowadays? Did I miss something? Or is it the british culture to get, sorry for the following, pissed on meetings (no offence, I just wonder why, WHY)?!

When hubby got home in the middle of the night it sounded like a horde of elephants tramped through my house. Somehow he made it upstairs to our bedroom just to announce, that he is drunk followed by a plunk on his side of the bed. After just a murmur of me, I heard him saying “oh not good” and he scampered as fast as he could in his condition back out of the bed and in the bathroom. And than I heard the well-known sounds of retching which I just  acknowledge with a dry sly smile!

“Serves him right”, I thought while turning around to the other side, trying to find my way back into sheepy clouds of sleep which unfortunately where highly disturbed of my husbands failures to walk:

I heard him fall down the hall, down the stairs and even up the stairs accompanied with the words “ hell”. Not my words- his words!

He was still wandering around the house, well wandering like an elf wouldn´t describe it at all, it was more like an earthquake until his final showdown:

I heard him running and then a loud splatter. Unfortunately he didn´t make it on time to the loo and specially to open the lid which I found out this morning before I drove Cailleach to school- I only wanted to go quickly to toilet downstairs, opened the door and this smell hit me and the disaster looked me straight in the eye. To his defence, he tried to clean it up as good as a drunk can do.

So when I drove him to work this morning, still drunk, he leaned out of the window like a dog (did I mentioned it was and still is pouring down), trying not to throw up- he also failed that. One hour later I had to pick him back up and now he is laying upstairs sleeping his killer hangover and playing the dying swan!

Well my darling husband, your 20s are long gone, you can´t keep up with those youngsters from yesterday and sorry (not) for saying it:

But I told you so!!!

Oh and please would you care to find your glasses???


Fight your inner demon

We all have demons, skeletons and secrets. We keep them secret, bury and try to hide them. But what good does it do? As for me, I try to fight them. I am a born fighter! Always was, always will be. I have a nice sticker which I use as bookmarker. It says

667 one step ahead of the devil

I think it is a clothes brand  but every time I look at my “bookmarker” it reminds me not to give up no matter what!

My inner demon is my eating disorder.

I never was a good eater. I was always picky, only looked at the greens with disgust. Often a big wooden cook spoon was placed next to my plate in case I didn´t eat up. It made me sick and I was frightened. As frightened as a little girl can be and was often used. I think, that was how it begun in the first place but a nip from a boy my age (back then 14) in the rips triggered it eventually. I could feel how he grabbed my “fat” and I felt disgusted and embarrassed though he didn´t even say anything or gave me a look. And my so called fat was just a bit baby fat most teenagers have. 

I didn´t want to eat anymore. I tried to eat less  to lose some pounds, I bought little calorie books and started to count calories. But at some point I got so hungry I ate all kind of food I found in the house and before I knew I was so full that I made myself sick. All my thoughts where about food. I had good days and not so good days. No one realized my condition. I hid it well until I got to a point, where I was so exhausted and felt so ill, I couldn´t even keep an apple down so I went to my doctor to seek help. She was very shocked. I explained my condition, told her my days. My weight back then was 78 pounds by 154cm. I don´t know if she wanted to give me a good fright (I don´t think so) but she said something I will never forget:

“If you keep this up, you will be dead within 2 month maximum- is that what you want?”

No that was not what I wanted. I wanted to live! To be happy again! I didn´t want to have a worry in the world. So with a little help from my doctor (weekly weight sessions and a bit of a talk) I got better. I had ups and downs for 6 years and realized that when I am stressed, worried or angry about something, I started to punish me in the form of either not eating or binge-eating and therefor making me sick. But than I got pregnant for the first time and knew when I want a healthy baby I have to stop that straight away which I did.

Today I don´t consider me as healed. But I can say I am not anorexic or bulimic anymore.  But I do still have an eating disorder. When I eat I can´t really enjoy it, I still know how much calories it has and I can´t stash up on sweets as I would eat them all at once. It is like “when they are gone, they can´t harm me anymore”. And when I eat a lot one day, I try to eat healthier or exercise a bit more the other day. But I fight! I fight every single day because I want to live and because I don´t want to lose faith. Faith in myself that I can make it.

If we would all lose faith, this world, this mankind would be lost. Hope is what keeps us alive, it is what keeps me alive. Life itself can be so beautiful, you just have to embrace it.


Sweet Selfishness

I really like to sit on the kitchen counter! I sit there and eat my lunch, dinner or a snack while sometimes the rest of the family sits in unison in the dining room eating and chatting away.

I also love to sneak into the kitchen, open the cupboard where the sweeties are stuffed inside, take the desired sweet out and munch them very quickly while sitting in a corner on the floor, hoping I don´t get caught.

Sometimes I get up very early in the morning, grab my running kit and make my way out of the house as quick I can, so I can go for a run. ALONE. First thing without doing anything else household wise.

When I go shopping for food, it is mostly veg and fruit what everyone can eat. But sometimes, specially when I am hungry (yes, I know, I shouldn´t go shopping when the belly is rumbling), I buy some treats without thinking of my children or husband. Just for myself. To my defense, it´s not that I don´t want them to have something nice too, I just forget about them.

And though my husband goes to work every day, it happens that I get him up early saturdays, because I want a sleep-in. At least every now and then.

Yes, at the first moment, all the above seem very selfish, I totally agree. But there are always two stories, right?

I like to eat alone in the kitchen, because sometimes I just need some peace, specially early in the morning. Don´t get me wrong, I am a morning person and yet I don´t want to talk much in the morning.

And when I get up early in the morning for my run, I call it my “me-time”. I get up and out with music on my ears and enjoy the peace while running hills up and down until my thighs are burning and I think I need an oxygen-tent, but you know what? I love it!

If you think, I am selfish, because I go shopping and up with treats just for my belly, you are wrong again. I do so, because there are still treats at home for the children and because I know my husband wants to lose a few more pounds and it would be too tempting if I bow and scrape around him with sweets half falling out of my mouth!

And if I demand a sleep-in it is my right! I deserve it! Why? Because I am tired most of the day! My son Cash still sleeps in our bed and like most babies is tossing back and forth and moves around in his sleep which interferes mine.

I try to keep the house clean (sometimes more, sometimes less), I raise four children, need to prepare lunch before my husband leaves at around 7:30am (!), I wash, I cook, I buy food, I walk one of my children to school and pick her back up, with a toddler in the buggy. Did I mention each way takes around 30 minutes because school-child demands to take her balance bike, but runs out of energy so mummy needs to push both, buggy and child on bike?

And when I am really lucky, both little ones sleep after lunch for 1 1/2 hours, so I can do the household just in time to (when they wake up) go out for walkies and/or to the playground.

Selfish? Who calls me selfish?! If taking my time and things I want is called selfish, well then I am proud to admit: Yes, I am a selfish person but don´t feel bad about it!!!


This is just not my day!

This is just not my day. I should have known the very second I opened my eyes when I heard Cash open the bedroom door for the very first time and I had to jump out of bed to prevent him from falling down the stairs. I was still so tired and barely could keep my eyes open. It was 6:30am. I had to get up anyway to get my children ready for school. I still wonder how my baby grew so much over night?!

So after I got all children ready, I checked my emails quickly just to find a response from a Ebay member about a case I opened regarding a missing item due to an incorrect postcode, saying that it is my own fault. Yes, it is. But only partially as in Paypal I provided the correct postcode and he could have checked with me before sending the item off to prevent any hassles. Instead he offered me to buy another item of him and would refund me, incase the missing one gets back to his address. Nice! And no thanks!

After that I received a scissor I bought from Ebay which was stated as “nearly new and very sharp”, but when I cut my daughters hair, I didn´t find it very sharp. I spend 75£!!! It is a Joewell scissor and for this amount of money and the description “nearly new” I expect it to be immaculate. Obviously I am dreaming.

Than my children and me had to walk, no, march to camp (a 30 minutes walk) for a doctor’s appointment only to be told, that we missed this appointment. My husband said it was 3:45- he mixed that up with one of his appointments. I was so angry with him, trying to phone him 3 times and because he didn´t answer the phone it made me even more angry, so I send him a very nasty text message (I apologized later when he finally phoned me and I cooled down), still sweating from that walk in the burning english sun (did I mention it is very very hilly in North Yorkshire???), with a whinging 3-year-old on the buggy board, a 12-year-old complaining she doesn´t want to walk so far and a 14-year-old who was quite exhausted by pushing the buggy with Cash in it! And I sweated even more on the way back because the whinging of my little daughter turned into loud sobs and screams, that she wanted skittles after the doctor but she hasn´t been to the doctor. After I told her, that we still could go to the shop and get her skittles she was all smiles only for Cash to start crying, because he wanted to be on Deans (my 14-year-old son) shoulders. That crying and whinging continued all the way on Deans shoulders, in the shop and at home as well. The only minutes he was quiet was when I fed him the home-made cheese sticks I did. Well they supposed to be cheese sticks, only that they looked like flat mush pancakes. At least I didn´t burn them and they actually tasted good, despite the fact that I am not the best cook.

I was on my feet the whole day and all I actually wanted to do was to sit on the sofa and read my gossip newspapers and Cosmopolitan (Cosmopolitan doesn´t count as gossip, does it? Maybe fashion and beauty gossip!) I bought this morning. They are still laying on my green drawer in the livingroom, mocking me, because they know I am just too tired. It is only 7:41pm but I am already in my pyjama and will go straight to bed after I finished this blog!

Tomorrow (surely) will be a better day. My running clothes are already next to my bed. So no excuses. Cash and me will drop off Cailleach in school and then we will run. Well I run while pushing him in his running stroller. But for now: Off to bed…


My childhood (painful memories)

Do you ever catch yourself watching other parents with their children or staring at your friends interaction with their parents? I do. Often. I have seen friends with their parents and I often wonder how it come that they have such a loving relationship to each other. Normally it should be the most common thing in the world. Normally.

When I was little my mother was very strict with me. I had to follow her rules and if I didn´t my bum often felt a wooden or plastic cook spoon. She had to buy one at least once a month! Reasons for her to discipline me where, I came home dirty, having bad grades in school or didn´t want to eat my supper. Once my teacher asked me why I was so bruised and I replied “I fell”. She must have guessed something.

My father never did anything to stop her. I believe it was because he didn´t want to be between the lines.

If I did something wrong, my mother punished me by taking tv and music out of my room and I was grounded, also once she didn´t speak to me for almost a whole year, only because my boyfriend, whom she didn´t even know, was a lot older than me.

Point is: Though she admitted a few years ago, that she made mistakes, I can´t trust her or my father in the way parent and child should. I always tried to please them to get their attention to make it right or better but no matter what I did, it felt like I wasn´t good enough. I felt unloved and unwanted for a long time. After a while I stopped looking for approval because I knew, if I ever want to survive this world, I have to make it without my parents love. I have to get away from them as far I can to make me feel good. I have to make my own decisions without thinking about how they may react and finally I felt better. I felt free.

Nowadays when my mother hangs the phone up on me and sulks, I just think “well at least I have some peace from her for a couple of weeks” and smile to myself. She is not getting the better of me anymore! We get along now but still, I gaze in awe at other parent/child relationships and sometimes think, I am missing out. I always say “… to have my family is like having no family…” because when you feel unsupported and unloved it is just like that.

But then I read the books from Martha Long

This lady, who, having went through so much, through so many horrible and evil things, but against all odds she made it and she came out of it so strongly – and I thought “who am I to pity myself? That lady made it, compared to her childhood mine was pure cotton candy on a fair”. Get a grip, pull yourself together and live your life, enjoy it, who knows what comes tomorrow, you only have one life to live!

And that is what I do: I life my live without regrets, I never give up on things and I never lose faith!


Teenagers- I wish they where sweet little angels again!!!

I must admit, I was a horrible teenager. But then again, I probably was like all teenagers. I wanted to find out, how far I can go- like my older daughter. There is not one day, she doesn´t make me mental! It starts early in the morning. I have to tell her 3 million times to get ready and to wash. . . And when she did, I have to inspect her teeth just to send her back upstairs to brush them again and also to tell her to brush her hair.

Or when I ask her to tidy up her bedroom. Oh what for a big sigh do I get. I tell her to hurry up, because it is unfair that her brother has to put up with their other two little siblings while she is taking her time. She likes to do that- a lot! I shout for her and all I get is……………………………………………………………………………………. nothing! So I shout for her 3 more times until her majesty finally opens the bedroom door and says sweetly “yes, mommy? did you call me?”. Does she think I am stupid? Of course she heard me the first time!

Often she likes to act like Mother Theresa only that it feels like Elmira from the Loony Tunes. She bosses her little sister (she is 3) and her little brother (he is 1) around. And because they have their own mind it often ends in tears and shouts. When we go outside for example, she acts like she was their mother. But she doesn´t give her commands in a nice way, nooooo, she is loud and impatient and every few minutes I hear her unnerving loud voice shouting out to them until I have to remind her that I am their mother and someday (rather later than sooner) she will have children of her own to command but until then I want her to finally keep her mouth shut. Oh how nice would it be, if she would shut up straight away after my speech- yeah, that was a good one. Of course I have to repeat myself (did I mention I hate to repeat myself?!) two more times.

But the worse thing is, she sneaks food in her bedroom. Food like little treats for my little mouse after school. And just this morning I found 10 (10!) little fruit gummy packages in her room. Oh she made me so so angry because that wasn´t the first time she did that. I was so disappointed in her that she actually steals their siblings treats. I mean come on, it is not that she doesn´t get sweets. I must admit I lost it a bit this morning and shouted at her.

But it doesn´t matter how I do it, I do it wrong. Do I speak with angelic tounges to her, it doesn´t do much and if I shout at her either. SIGH. Guess you just have to be brave during the whole teenager time. Specially me. I was a wild child as well, so I know exactly how she must feel and that is why I try not to shout or to forbid her much, but still. When she looks at me and doesn´t move a single bone though I asked her to do something, oh boy… Mental, one day I go mental!!! I always tell myself “patience, have patience” but how much patience can a parent have?!?

My son on the other hand is not affected. He is a god boy, sure he is cheeky every now and then, but that is it. He wants to please us, he is just like my sister who always tries to please others (and our parents).

Back then, when I still raised my two older ones alone, I often wished them to be older and more independent as it was so exhausting with two toddlers alone. OH IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN.

Dear parents with only toddlers let me give you advice, don´t wish for them to grow quick. Toddler years are nothing compared to teenager years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What would I give for them to be cute little toddlers again. Before you know it they are all grown up. I look at my little ones and my heart is bleeding, because they are growing so fast.

But we will make it through the teenage years, sure I will get grey hairs because of it, but hey I said yes to my children, I planned and wanted them and will love them until I take my last breath!