Category: Family

Conscious Uncoupling And Dating

My darling ex and me doing this thing many laughed about back then when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their separation:

Conscious uncoupling. Yep. We talked about what went wrong, we still do. Especially when darling ex feels very down. We talk about it without accusations. Just facts what went wrong and that it wasn’t his fault, maybe not even mine. Our expectations have just changed or even more important, we just didn’t know each good enough to see what we are really like when we met. After all, we got married after 4 month. How good do you know someone after such short time?

We still live under one roof. We want this ship to sail as smooth as possible without hurting each other and more important without hurting the children. We will tell them soon. But first we want them to see, that though we are separated, parents can still like each other and do things together us a family! We want them to see that it is not the end when a couple decides to end things.

So far so good.

But we also want to date! Not that we are already looking. But what do we say to someone who might be interested in us???

“Yes, I am separated, but we still live together under one roof as we decided to be best friends and continue to be a good example for our children…”

No one will believe, that there is nothing going between us! If a guy would tell me something like this, I certainly wouldn’t believe it! My sister recently met one of those twats! After dating for a couple of weeks, it turned out, that he is still with his wife and just wanted a secret girlfriend. He told her that he and his wife are separated, live under one roof in different rooms… only in the end he admitted what was really going on! He even had the guts to say, that maybe one day, he might actually leave his wife for her! Of course my sister has shown him the door!

I also had an encounter with a friend who did not believe that I am separated! Why would I lie about it?!

So yeah, I guess this is going to be a tricky situation.

I wonder, should we wait with dating until I have moved out?

Should we put our cards on the table right away, explaining the situation and offer, he/she can contact me/darling ex? Wouldn’t that be a bit awkward???

Never been in such a situation. Guess time will tell.

Franky

When Is The Right Time To Move Out???

Though our separation is still quite fresh, darling ex and me where talking about moving house. Not that he wants me to move house or is rushing me. Not at all. But we both know, we can’t live under one roof forever, especially when we start dating again.

But when is the right time to move out and separate the family?

Where will I go?

Will I find somewhere affordable? Will it be a nice area?

How far away will I move?

Will I buy or rent? And if I rent, will I be able to take my kitties? And if I plan to buy (which I would prefer), would I be granted a mortgage???

How sad will my babies be to “live” in two places from now on?

Will I find work in the area?

The last one is the most important one! Since I want to go up north, how are the chances to find a job nearby my new place and will it be manageable with the children and school???

Will my darling ex, the babies and me, still be a tight knitted team?

Can I even afford to move, as in new furniture etc. At the current moment the answer would be “no”.

So many questions, so little answers…

Franky

It Is My Fault

My marriage failed and though I ended it, it is totally my fault!

When I met my husband, he was a happy and carefree guy, but over the years I made him really miserable…despite the fact he says it was the best years of his life!

We know what went wrong along the way, we tried to fix it. Believe me, we tried so many times and for a while it would be all okay but than it would start all over again and in the end I couldn’t take it anymore.

My feelings are so far gone, they will never come back and so I broke my husbands heart and quit. I am usually not a quitter! I fight till the very end. But unfortunately there is nothing left to fight for.

And it really pains me to see him so sad, but I can’t pretend to be someone I am not. I just can’t as it would feel like a lie and I don’t lie and he doesn’t deserve to be lied at.

Of course I still feel affection for him and want us to be a family and do things together. Just not on a romantic level or couple level.

Nobody except our two older children knows, yet. I might just tell the whole world here on my blog, but no one in my family or friends read my blog…. We didn’t tell the little ones because we still get along very well and live under one roof. And we don’t want to put them through the pain.

And when someone separates, gets divorced, splits up, it is never a happy occasion you want to shout from the rooftops…

Yes, sooner or later we will tell, but for now we wait until everything smoothes over a bit. And yes, sooner or later I will move out with the little babies as my husband pays the mortgage and so of course he will keep the house and that is okay!

Once again I have been selfish. I put myself, my happiness, first and in the long run probably made everyone unhappy, but it felt like I couldn’t breath anymore.

All I know is that I will be a far more better friend to my husband than a wife. I know it is not what he wants, but he will realise it will be what he needs! He knows what I am like with my friends, I do most anything for them!

He puts on a brave face most of the time, but I know he isn’t in a good place and I want to kick myself in the backside for not warning him when we met.

It is so easy to fall in love with me! But what you really need is a very thick skin and tons, tons and tons of patience! I guess I am just too wild, or call it immature, it is what it is.

I didn’t make any future plans, yet. I just want all of us to be happy as a family.

My husband is not to blame here. Yes, I accused him of being way to jealous and controlling, but would I have given him the attention he so badly needed he wouldn’t have behaved the way he did. So this is on me!

He is a great guy and though he doesn’t want to hear anything about it, one day he will meet a great woman who deserves nothing but the best- and that is him!

Franky

When You Are Not The Favourite

I just watched a tv show and the mother of that show was accused to not love their children equally. She was accused of having a favourite child.

I always felt like that! I always felt different from my sister. My brother was most definitely not my mother’s favourite child as he grew up with my grandma. And when we had a conversation together with my grandma my mother even admitted that my sister is my parents favourite, as well as my grandma admitted that I was hers and you know what? That was okay for me!

However in the tv show the mother said, that this one child was easier (in his behaviour) than the others.

And there is the point:

I love all my children the same. But every now and then one of my 4 is so difficult that I wish I could just turn my back and walk away. As in walk out of them. Of course I don’t do it! But in these situations it feels like I love the others more purely because they are easier to handle, easier to love.

Of course I always try to make it up to the least favourite one at the time because I don’t want them to feel less loved and maybe one day when they are all grown up and fled the nest they look back at their childhood, thinking they felt loved and supported no matter what.

Franky

Another Year, Another Mother’s Day…

… another year where I can pat myself on the shoulder for keeping my 4 children +one alive. The +one is my foster teenager who also happens to be my daughters boyfriend, just for clarification.

Yes, my children, hubby and me all survived another year of arguments, laughs, temper tantrums, tears, joys…. phone calls from teachers telling me that my daughter pulled other girls hair, that my 6 year old son, brought £20 to school for snack time, that my other (foster) son received a demerit for…. whatever! Who cares?!

What I want to say is:

We all do our best to make it through parenthood without loosing all our marbles!

To all who have very well behaved children:

Well done! I am so glad that you have a worry less in your life! I mean it!

To those who have wild, loud, lively children like me:

I salute you, you deserve a medal! And a huge glass of whiskey! Your children will survive and you will master every storm that surely will hit you (and me) in the future!

To our children:

Hey, you made it through another year with the two people who you think are old, deranged party pooper. Don’t be too hard on them, it might not look like it, but they do actually love you!

One thing we should never forget whether well behaved (whatever you classify well behaved) or not, we love our children, they are our blood, they will remain until we parents turn to old wrinkly raisins. They will survive us and march on with their own children, thinking back in a nervous breakdown what it was like when they were little!

As for the coming Mother’s Day: This is the only day were my children are complete and of course unpaid slaves without reward who have to jump to my every whim. I do not want any gifts, flowers or cheesy cards, but a clean house and my food brought to the sofa I will be residing on all day long! It has been like this in the past and it will go on like this until I change my mind which will be….. NEVER!

Franky

Odd Commentary

Two days I received not one, but two odd commentary from two different people.

When I was sitting at the hair dresser’s, we were talking about my hairdresser’s life, what she did before and when we came to children, I told her I have 4.

“4!!! Children?! 4??? You are married? Really? I thought you are single the way you look….”

I know, (she said so herself) she meant it in a nice way, but I wonder:

Am I not marriage material because I am heavily tattooed? Don’t I look like the type who could be married? I found that really odd.

Forward hours later:

My sister phones me. We updated each other what happened in each others lives in the past week and so I told her all proud, that I finally got my throat tattooed. And so she says:

“You still get tattooed?!?” She sounded really surprised, maybe even a bit shocked.

Why wouldn’t I still get tattooed? Are only people under 40 are allowed to get tattooed? And/or people with less than 4 children? Unmarried single human beings? I don’t even look 40! Usually people would say I look 30!

Maybe it was just her overall stuck up opinion on how to live your life. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and I wished I could see her on a daily basis, but we are two very different people so I don’t hold her odd comment against her… but it still made me wonder.

Franky

I Became A Boring (Looking) Housewife

I must admit, I have been very unhappy about what I became.

A bored out of her arse housewife. Starting by the clothing, ending at the non-existing fun factor!

The last couple of years I did nothing but work and sleep, occasionally go for a run. How boring is that?! I used to be a fun person. Going out with friends, participate at running events, cinema, etc. That all disappeared.

I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw at all. So now is the time to change. I finally get my tattoos done and want to do more fun things in general.

I also like to do more things with hubby as after almost 10 years we drifted apart. Sadly we are no more than parents, not a couple and that’s not how a relationship should be. The good thing is, that our love is still there so we just sail through the storm until we hit the sun again!

So a change is to come and I am looking forward to it!

Franky

Perception of Joker

Yesterday hubby and me watched the new ‘Joker’ movie and it was great and sad and disturbing and I could identify with the character in so many ways…

Many of us have seen ‘Joker’ movies before and in general the character of the ‘Joker” is a mental person, a twisted one, an evil persona or so it seems on the first look.

When I watched the movie the person I have seen was a deeply sad person. A man who felt invisible to society, to people around him, to women to everyone really. I felt that people would look down at him, laugh at him and no matter how hard he would try, it would never seem enough to be accepted or appreciated or just be honest with him!

How many of you felt that way before? How many of you felt alone? How many of you thought, you are not good enough…. at work, at relationships, friendships….? How many of you felt mistreated? How many of you felt unloved and not pretty enough only because you do things different or think in an unconventional way? How often have you thought, you will never be better or overcome your ‘working class status’?

In today’s world people look at you and judge you in the first few seconds, they make up their mind without putting the effort in, in getting to know you. What for a sad sad thing to do, I hang my head in shame for everyone who acts this way!

Nowadays the first reaction when people hear that someone has mental health problems like bipolar or a form of schizophrenia, ADHS, anxiety and lots of other things is disgust or comments like “they should get their act together”! Why not show a bit compassion, why not ask the person next to you how he/she is doing? Why not ask yourself if you yourself is right in the head? Aren’t we all a bit mental? Don’t we all have problems? For some their problems might be nothing major, for others it might be the end of the world….

So here I sit now, reminiscing…. and let me tell you the following:

I don’t know you, I don’t know your story but I know you are out there and I feel for you! It might not be today or tomorrow, but the day will come where you see the light in the end of the tunnel and you will feel better! And whoever tries to tell you, you are not right or not good enough, do not listen to them! You are unique and perfect in every way and you are loved and you will be cherished! You might not know it now or not have found the one just yet, but there is someone who can’t wait to meet you and give you what you are looking for and what you deserve! Don’t forget to breathe, do smile, do laugh and make the best of life as you deserve nothing but the best!

Do not give up, ever!

Franky

 

 

Moving to Dublin

In my last post I mentioned, that I moved to Dublin.

Well I received a job offer for a post in Dublin. If I wanted it, I would have to move within 2 weeks to Ireland.

Of course I wanted this job!!! So I quit my old job and since I was still on probation, they couldn’t say anything regarding my sudden notice! They basically bit their own arse by treating me this way and now being short of staff…

As I was saying… oh yes:

I quit my job, found myself a very expansive room, booked a one way flight and not even a week later I was gone.

The plan was that the whole family would relocate to Ireland as my husband had a job interview as well…

I started my new position and the job itself was okay, nothing special, but the wage and the package that came with it was very appealing.

But as for Dublin itself:

No offence, dear Dubliners and everyone who grew fond of Dublin, it is not for me!

My assumption was, that people who lived there are either very rich or very poor and that you would only go to Dublin for work. Work either to get richer or purely to try to survive.

I mean, I booked a room in a landlords house for €850,- per month! And though the landlords where lovely, their house was filthy! Toenails on the living room floor, kitchen tiles, floors and jalousie caked with fats, huge full ashtrays all over the place and 24/7 smoking in all rooms with closed windows. What a delight.

I was viewing other properties closer to my work location for €450,- per month but one of the rooms for example, was shared with 3 (!) other girls without a proper cupboard or opportunity to hang up your clothes…. Sheer madness!

And it seemed to me, that there where more foreigners in Dublin than Irish. And I didn’t like the city at all, there was not much nice architecture, not much greenery or maybe it is because I am spoiled by Edinburgh and it’s beauty.

Also, I was constantly on my own. Even during my lunch breaks as my two new lovely colleagues had other lunch schedules.

I have been living in Scotland for a year now and I love running here in the mountains…. I thought we could do much better, find a better job, better opportunities….

But the reality is, you have to loose something in order to realise how much you miss it.

In my case:

I just missed my family and Scotland.

So one morning when I was packing my things to move to another room, I thought:

I am constantly on my own, the people around me at work are so loud, I can barely concentrate, I hate all this tarmac and the hectic of this city, my children are crying after me, my husband missing me as well-

It’s not worth it! I quit!

So I phoned up my husband and said “how would you find it, if I just quit my job and come home?”

And that’s what I did! Without further hesitation I cancelled the new room, emailed my notice and booked the next flight back home.

Yes, we lost money and it was probably stupid to quit a job without having a new one but you know what?

You can’t buy happiness and where is the point dragging yourself to a job you don’t fully enjoy in an area you dislike so much?

But I needed to do this as otherwise I would have always asked myself ‘what if?’

I’d rather spend my time playing house wife, taking care of everyone and everything, but hey how, news, we need the money!

So I applied for some jobs and just wait and see what happens.

Franky

Parenthood is so hard…

I have been a parent for almost 18 years now. Longer if you count the pregnancy as well.

When my first born arrived it felt just right. I loved my son straight away despite the fact that he looked like a very red spotty beetle. Motherly love, eh?

When my second one arrived 1 year and 5 month later it was love again, not at (first) sight as she looked like a sumo wrestler baby but fortunately she outgrew that very quickly.

Having them both together was fun and for a long time it was only us, the three musketeers. We had our routine and were happy. But it was also very exhausting and there were days when I had to lock myself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes for a good cry….

Than 10 years later a second beloved daughter arrived and oh she was perfect! I had given up on the fact that when my children are born they have to grow into beautiful individuals but she, my Cailleach, was perfect!

Two years after Cailleach our second son arrived 6 weeks premature but strong and healthy given the circumstances and also so handsome!

Thinking I was exhausted when I had the first two, I can only laugh! Never had I such ferocious dark baggy circles under my eyes which on a daily basis said hello to my knees! I even cried from sleep deprivation as the two little monsters wanted nothing but mommies boobies and arms to be held 24/7 for over a year from the time they arrived.

But if you think toddlerhood is exhausting, wait until you have teenagers. Female teenagers to be precise.

They can be so stubborn, they have their own mind and ways and that is totally fine- as long you don’t live under one roof!

They can be so incredibly lazy that you want to pull your hair out or better theirs and only help around the house if you

a) threaten

or

b) pay them

or

c) well they usually don’t even blink an eyelash when it comes to help out anyway….

I know I should be more considerate, I should just let them be, but the thing is:

My 7 year old daughter is already developing the same attitude! SHE IS 7!!! And I just can’t have another one of this type! It is just too much with everything else going on like paying off a house, finding a proper job that makes me happy with a good wage, getting my garden done (spend hours so far gardening), trying to get the rest of my house done, trying to figure out how to pay for all this….

At the moment I just want peace and quiet. I don’t want to feel sad and tired and puzzled trying to figure out what to do and how to survive another day!

In an ideal world I would come home from a job I love to find my house clean and tidy.

In an ideal world I would be able to make breakfast and cook.

In an ideal world I wouldn’t have to worry about my children’s homework and education.

But this is not an ideal world.

I wished I could stop being a mum, just for a bit, to be able to breath and take care of myself…

I wished it would get easier, but it never does.

But we keep on marching and we keep on loving.

Franky