Category: Family

Why is life so against me?!

I say it straight away, this is going to be a whining post! So if you are  in a good mood, do not read any further, just leave, I won’t be angry!

At the present moment it feels like life is totally against me. Or maybe God has forgotten that I too, exist. Or he is just fed up with me, because I ask so many questions and beg him for so many things.

I don’t know as I never get an answer. Either that or I am just too blind to see the signs and/or too deaf to hear what he has to say!

Usually I am a very laid back girl in every aspect of life:

  • When someone cheated on me
  • When someone left me
  • When someone talked about me
  • When I got fired
  • When I had to move house
  • When friends/family turned on me
  • When getting lost in the woods or city
  • When the daughter things, she can wear make-up by the age of 12

Just life in general. I am just like “yeah happens…..” and I move on. Sometimes me moving on takes up to a few days but after that the sun is shining bright and just for me, as I am the centre of the world!

But at the current moment, no let me rephrase that:

For a while now, I am feeling pretty low, I would almost say even a bit depressed:

When it comes to money, it’s not fun! Do not take friends/family’s money, do not lend money! Pay your bills yourself and here we are:

It feels like I just go to work to pay our bills or for things which are really needed!

I actually wanted to pay of two major things by the end of this year, but we just got hit by another big bill and I can see no end.

I have belly aches, I can’t sleep though I feel constantly tired, I am very impatient (I thought I could not top that, but I am wrong, I successfully mastered myself out!) I don’t even exercise. Yes, you read right, I don’t exercise! Me! For a couple of weeks now, I am feeling that low!

I sit here and ask myself, “will it be like that for the rest of my life?”

Of course husband says, I should not worry and leave it to him, but his wage will not change  and mine got reduced due to less working hours (that does not help either!)

If I could, I would look for another job with more hours, but living in a small area, vacancies are rare, plus I can’t afford to drive somewhere to work as I still have a little one here at home.

Oh and did I mention, we’re going to move to Orkney early next year. We need to find a house on time. We also need to get the money somehow (see, MONEY, again).

I also won’t move house anymore which I am rather fond of, moving house that is. I like to see new places and don’t like to be stuck for too long. I moved house a lot in the past. On the other hand it might be time to have my own home. I just hope I won’t struggle for too long.

Why do I always have to walk the rocky path? Why can’t it be easy, even if it is only for a while?

AND… why does the money not grow out of my pockets???

Franky

 

What would you do if your child is….

disabled? Any  form. Mentally, physically … doesn’t matter.

Before I had children I always said, if I would get told very early on in a pregnancy that my child would be mentally disabled, I wouldn’t want it.

I wouldn’t want my child to maybes suffer because of the majority of the “illness” or maybe because of stares from strangers or maybe because he/she would get treated differently.

Of course every parent got the right to decide what is right for him/her.

But when I was trying for my last one, I miscarried twice. I was longing for this lost child which went to the stars to come back to me and when it finally happened and the doctor asked if I wanted to get all those routine checks to see if there are any kind of disabilities, I shot out a straight answer which he didn’t argue any further.

It was a determined “no!” I wanted this baby no matter what! I already loved this baby which wasn’t bigger than a bean.

I think it is always easy to say, “I will not/ I don’t want…” before (something) even happened.

Just a thought I had….

Franky

I am not a”we”-person!!!

A couple of days ago my husband got quite frustrated with me. We where kind of arguing and he said something like

“why can’t I get through these walls?”

I heard this before. At some point, people get annoyed, angry or frustrated and say thinks like

“You just shut down”…..”why can’t I get through to you?”…. “your walls are so thick there is no way to break through”….

Sigh…. yes, I know that. But there is a reason for that!

Why do we built walls? Walls are there to protect.

And I am my own person!

I never wanted to get married, or maybe back then I have given up the hope of ever getting married because I just didn’t find love, real love, not just a “crush”.

When I met my husband and new I will spend the rest of my life with him, I have given up a lot.

I have given up my wild days…. given up to go on dates (well, you should do that if you are in a mutual monogamous  relationship), given up to just book the next flight to see your bestie, given up to go out with friends and come home whenever you please…

And that is okay! Really!

What I did not sign up for is the “we”-part! I do not want, never was in the past and never will dissolve in a

“we don’t agree”, “we had so much fun at yours”, “we will think about it”, “did you like the pictures we posted (of course on his Facebook page as well!!!)?” –

sort of person.

I have my own mind, my own thoughts and the walls, the last remaining piece of me, is my sanctuary! The place no one ever will be aloud to enter!

I just need this. I don’t want to share this as well, that is a piece of me, who makes me, me. And I have to protect these walls!

I think everyone who is in a long-term relationship or simply likes some kind of self-protection knows what I am talking about.

We just don’t want to get hurt and/or to disappear. We want to remain true  because we are proud of the person who stares back at you in the mirror!

If you are comfortable with it, let your guard down, but keep a remaining bit of wall just to yourself, no matter what others might say!

Franky

I can not let go

 

I was and probably will always be your favourite and that makes me smile as it makes me feel special. I have seen it in your eyes and heard it in your warm voice. It was your giggles I loved the most.

I can’t remember what you smelled like but the cloud of softness when you hugged me is still present.

You where there for me when no one else was. You put me straight and told me what was needed. You where and still are worried about me.

You are “old and tired” you once  said and I replied, “but I will need you forever, I don’t have anyone else but you”.

I have seen the sadness in your eyes when you looked at me, the lost child with the brave smile.

I miss being with you in the lively kitchen, miss our long conversations on the phone. I hear your voice, I hear your giggles, it is right there but I wished it was right next to me.

I know I have to let you go. But I am not ready. I would like to tell you, “it is okay. You can leave. I am able to stand on my own feed”.

But my heart is too heavy in my chest.

I am sorry, so sorry but I can not let go…

 

 

Dreams- do you believe???

We all dream. Maybe not every night, maybe sometimes we can’t remember, sometimes they are nice dreams and sometimes not so nice, disturbing or annoying.

Dreams can frighten or inspire us. OR we don’t give a second thought about a dream.

I personally think, a dream is just that, a dream!

I don’t believe in dream interpretation! I don’t believe that subconsciously in our dreams we try to work out our insecurities, problems or life in general.

Usually I don’t give second thoughts about a dream I had and later, sometimes even an hour later, I already have forgotten about it.

BUT sometimes, like a few days ago, I dream that I am pregnant with a baby boy. And when that happens, it bothers me a lot and the dream still lingers around in my mind:

I remember how happy I was and that I couldn’t believe my luck despite the fact, I am not allowed to have another baby. Everything was fine, it was warm and I couldn’t await this precious little human being. I wanted to stay in this dream forever… it was too good to be true-

I woke up and reality hit me. Forever I will be the woman “who would have loved another little boy” and I wonder if those dreams will hunt me forever?

Though the dream was so nice, it saddens me to know that this will never ever happen to me again. Also I think, it is unfair! I don’t deserve those kind of dreams!

If one of those dreams occurs again, I hope I have forgotten all about it by the time I wake up!!!

Franky

“Hotel Transylvania 2” and my pregnancy

At the moment my son Cash watches “Hotel Transylvania 2” non-stop. It is his favourite movie!

And when I watched the scene where the girl in bat form tells her vampire dad (also in bat form) that she is pregnant, he is over the moon and automatically think:

That’s how parents should always react! No matter what, they should be happy and supportive!

I know the movie is a silly comparison but still cute.

Some of you might read my post, why I hid my third pregnancy from everyone especially my mother.

Of all people, my mother should have been the happiest but instead it went like this:

  • The first time we barely spoke, because we didn’t get along very well back then and when we finally did, I still didn’t hear her say, how excited or happy she is for me!
  • The second time I told her I was pregnant again, she asked if I wanted to keep “it”!
  • The third time I told her only 2 month before I was due and again, no words of happiness or support!
  • The fourth time I told her when I was 4 month gone and she simply said “if that is what you want…?”

Did I miss something here? Or am I too picky? Or am I just too hard with her? I mean, I shouldn’t tell my own mother to be happy for me, should I?

All I know is, when one of my children comes home pregnant or got someone pregnant, I will be happy and supportive.

Of course if they come home pregnant under aged, or because they have forgotten any type of precaution, or even worse, can’t remember who the babies father is, they will get an ear full. I will most likely loose my temper….BUT…after that I will hug them, tell them everything will be alright and that I am happy, very happy to welcome my grandchild!

That’s how it should be! OK, maybe without the shouting, but the shouting and threats might work for the next time they decide to have some fun in the bed department!

Franky

From city-girl to country-girl

I grew up in a small town and hated it til the second I moved away!

Always did I want to live in the big city and could not understand, why my parents are fine with their choice which seems to suffocate me.

Until recently I couldn’t picture myself to live for the rest of my life in a (small) town.

I loved the varieties a big city had to offer, the millions of shops, the anonymity and therefor being invisible among a big crowd which seems to rush around like tiny ants.

To see new faces every day was so exciting, that people didn’t pay much attention to you was pleasant.

Until yesterday morning some tiny doubts still lingered in the back of my head:

Will I be really happy with the decision to live in the countryside and/or on an isle??? Will I not miss the “big-city-life”?

Yesterday morning I had to drive down to Leeds to apply for my national security number.

It was not so much that I started to sweat because I couldn’t find anywhere to park (common thing in cities). It also didn’t really bother me that, when I finally found a parking lot and realized I don’t have any change, I sweated even more while dragging a 2-year along to the next shop to get change…

No… what I realized was the dot over the “i”, the cherry on the cake, the last bit that would push you over the edge:

If we would move to a big city or bigger town, it would be very difficult (again) to make friends. People would not smile at you and say “hello” though you are a total stranger. People wouldn’t take care of you, people just wouldn’t know you.

Would I be able to knock on the neighbor’s door, to borrow something or ask if they could look after the little ones for whatever reason or drive me to the doc? I highly doubt it!

I stood still for a moment and looked around.

Everything was so fast moving, everyone more or less in rush, next to no smiles on peoples faces, no “hellos”, no opportunity for the children to run wild, no green spots and I realized, I don’t like that anymore! Not for me and also not for my family.

The last doubts where blown away there and then.

It is funny how time can change your view of things.

However, when it is time to finally settle down (I hope sooner rather than later), we will do it very quietly. We will not tell a single soul because we don’t want anyone to intervene. We just don’t want anyone to influence our decision.

I already imagine their faces when we phone them up to inform:

“Hey, we live in/on now …. our new address is….”

It is nice to do things the way I/WE want it, don’t you think?

Franky