I came to realize that I did not appreciate many precious moments I experienced!
When my teenagers where little, all I wished for was them to grow up a bit faster to be more independent.
I felt tired all the time, and every day was just a rush. Rushing to kindergarten, rushing to school, rushing to work…
And before I knew it, my babies turned into teenagers… literally in a blink of an eye and what did I do? I did it again:
When I clashed, as so many times, with my teenage daughter, I wished for her to be older so that she could move out and live her own life.
That is an awful thing to do!
I should have tried to spend more time with them, should have cuddled them more and told them, how much I loved them, I should have surprised them more often with little things or picnics. I should have done that every single day until now and every day coming!
If we are lucky, children live at home for 18, maybe 22… or even 25 years and compared to a (hopefully) long life, that is nothing! Nothing!!! It is such a short time you get to spend with them.
If you are lucky, they love you enough to phone and visit you on a regular basis. And if you are really, really lucky, they even live close by, so that you also get to see your grand-babies!!!
SIGH…. big SIGH….
When I was not working because the children where too little, all I did was complaining because I didn’t get to go out of the house. Complaining how bored and isolated I felt.
Instead I should have been happy about the fact, that I am actually be able to spend so much time with my children, get to sleep more and do what ever I want.
And I know I should show my husband more affection. I know I should miss him when he is away because one day, he might not be around anymore and I might regret my (non-) actions.
In this case it is not funny how my perception has worked out for me. No, it is rather sad.
But this is life and life never goes the way we want it to.
Guess, I keep on trying, trying to be the best mom and wife I can be. Trying to make it better and trying to make the best of life.
…. that’s basically it for I don’t know how long this year.
Since my husband decided he doesn’t want to be in his current job, we have to move house by 1. June 2018. Which actually means, we need/want to buy a house as soon as possible.
No, let me rephrase this:
We have to buy a house rather this year than next. Problem is:
We would like to put a higher deposit for a mortgage down and would like to pay off our car and to do so, we need money.
Money my nice parents and also my uncle would lend us.
My parents need to sell a property first. But the mills of God grind slowly! Very, very slowly. One tiny peace of paper has to send from a to b over to c, back to a and so on and on…. that takes a lot of time. Time we don’t have!
My uncle is waiting for money to come through as well, but again, we don’t know when and it may be also too late.
You see, two steps forward, one back-
Throughout the year.
And for almost a month I am suffering from a thumping tinnitus and the doctor did not solve/found the problem yet.
I have no idea why it suddenly started, as I didn’t do anything that could have caused it.
So, we don’t have a house which we desperately need, I have a tinnitus, am constantly tired and run around with puffy eyes.
Oh and did I mention I have a very annoying teenage daughter?
Every time when I read about naughty teenagers or saw bad behaved young teens on the street I thought, it must be the parents fault! Suuuurely it must be!
But…. my son who is only 1 1/2 years older is treated exactly the same way and he is nothing like his sister!
She is driving me out of my mind so much so, that if I would win the lottery I would take the easy way out and send her straight to boarding school so that they could put up with her!
Hey, I love my life!!!
I say it straight away, this is going to be a whining post! So if you are in a good mood, do not read any further, just leave, I won’t be angry!
At the present moment it feels like life is totally against me. Or maybe God has forgotten that I too, exist. Or he is just fed up with me, because I ask so many questions and beg him for so many things.
I don’t know as I never get an answer. Either that or I am just too blind to see the signs and/or too deaf to hear what he has to say!
Usually I am a very laid back girl in every aspect of life:
- When someone cheated on me
- When someone left me
- When someone talked about me
- When I got fired
- When I had to move house
- When friends/family turned on me
- When getting lost in the woods or city
- When the daughter things, she can wear make-up by the age of 12
Just life in general. I am just like “yeah happens…..” and I move on. Sometimes me moving on takes up to a few days but after that the sun is shining bright and just for me, as I am the centre of the world!
But at the current moment, no let me rephrase that:
For a while now, I am feeling pretty low, I would almost say even a bit depressed:
When it comes to money, it’s not fun! Do not take friends/family’s money, do not lend money! Pay your bills yourself and here we are:
It feels like I just go to work to pay our bills or for things which are really needed!
I actually wanted to pay of two major things by the end of this year, but we just got hit by another big bill and I can see no end.
I have belly aches, I can’t sleep though I feel constantly tired, I am very impatient (I thought I could not top that, but I am wrong, I successfully mastered myself out!) I don’t even exercise. Yes, you read right, I don’t exercise! Me! For a couple of weeks now, I am feeling that low!
I sit here and ask myself, “will it be like that for the rest of my life?”
Of course husband says, I should not worry and leave it to him, but his wage will not change and mine got reduced due to less working hours (that does not help either!)
If I could, I would look for another job with more hours, but living in a small area, vacancies are rare, plus I can’t afford to drive somewhere to work as I still have a little one here at home.
Oh and did I mention, we’re going to move to Orkney early next year. We need to find a house on time. We also need to get the money somehow (see, MONEY, again).
I also won’t move house anymore which I am rather fond of, moving house that is. I like to see new places and don’t like to be stuck for too long. I moved house a lot in the past. On the other hand it might be time to have my own home. I just hope I won’t struggle for too long.
Why do I always have to walk the rocky path? Why can’t it be easy, even if it is only for a while?
AND… why does the money not grow out of my pockets???
disabled? Any form. Mentally, physically … doesn’t matter.
Before I had children I always said, if I would get told very early on in a pregnancy that my child would be mentally disabled, I wouldn’t want it.
I wouldn’t want my child to maybes suffer because of the majority of the “illness” or maybe because of stares from strangers or maybe because he/she would get treated differently.
Of course every parent got the right to decide what is right for him/her.
But when I was trying for my last one, I miscarried twice. I was longing for this lost child which went to the stars to come back to me and when it finally happened and the doctor asked if I wanted to get all those routine checks to see if there are any kind of disabilities, I shot out a straight answer which he didn’t argue any further.
It was a determined “no!” I wanted this baby no matter what! I already loved this baby which wasn’t bigger than a bean.
I think it is always easy to say, “I will not/ I don’t want…” before (something) even happened.
Just a thought I had….
A couple of days ago my husband got quite frustrated with me. We where kind of arguing and he said something like
“why can’t I get through these walls?”
I heard this before. At some point, people get annoyed, angry or frustrated and say thinks like
“You just shut down”…..”why can’t I get through to you?”…. “your walls are so thick there is no way to break through”….
Sigh…. yes, I know that. But there is a reason for that!
Why do we built walls? Walls are there to protect.
And I am my own person!
I never wanted to get married, or maybe back then I have given up the hope of ever getting married because I just didn’t find love, real love, not just a “crush”.
When I met my husband and new I will spend the rest of my life with him, I have given up a lot.
I have given up my wild days…. given up to go on dates (well, you should do that if you are in a mutual monogamous relationship), given up to just book the next flight to see your bestie, given up to go out with friends and come home whenever you please…
And that is okay! Really!
What I did not sign up for is the “we”-part! I do not want, never was in the past and never will dissolve in a
“we don’t agree”, “we had so much fun at yours”, “we will think about it”, “did you like the pictures we posted (of course on his Facebook page as well!!!)?” –
sort of person.
I have my own mind, my own thoughts and the walls, the last remaining piece of me, is my sanctuary! The place no one ever will be aloud to enter!
I just need this. I don’t want to share this as well, that is a piece of me, who makes me, me. And I have to protect these walls!
I think everyone who is in a long-term relationship or simply likes some kind of self-protection knows what I am talking about.
We just don’t want to get hurt and/or to disappear. We want to remain true because we are proud of the person who stares back at you in the mirror!
If you are comfortable with it, let your guard down, but keep a remaining bit of wall just to yourself, no matter what others might say!
I was and probably will always be your favourite and that makes me smile as it makes me feel special. I have seen it in your eyes and heard it in your warm voice. It was your giggles I loved the most.
I can’t remember what you smelled like but the cloud of softness when you hugged me is still present.
You where there for me when no one else was. You put me straight and told me what was needed. You where and still are worried about me.
You are “old and tired” you once said and I replied, “but I will need you forever, I don’t have anyone else but you”.
I have seen the sadness in your eyes when you looked at me, the lost child with the brave smile.
I miss being with you in the lively kitchen, miss our long conversations on the phone. I hear your voice, I hear your giggles, it is right there but I wished it was right next to me.
I know I have to let you go. But I am not ready. I would like to tell you, “it is okay. You can leave. I am able to stand on my own feed”.
But my heart is too heavy in my chest.
I am sorry, so sorry but I can not let go…