Month: November 2020

Baby Boom

For many years I wanted more children. My ideal picture would have been four children all very close in age.

But of course that didn’t happen because another pregnancy could be dangerous for me. When I was pregnant with my last one, I had a hidden rupture and was in hospital from 27 weeks onwards. At 34+0 the doctor made the decision to not wait any longer and so Cash was born.

The risk that this happens again is there, but the longer one waits the better the chances to carry the baby to term… and Cash was born almost 7 years ago.

So there I was, finally getting to terms of not having more children. I was single and thought I will be for a very long time but fate had other things in mind.

Now that I am so deeply, madly, crazy in love I am back to square one. I look at my boyfriend and know I want to have his baby!

Like a good girl does, I am taking my prenatal medication in the hope I still have some eggs left and dream about what could be, even already decided on baby names. Mental, I know, I know!

I am much older now. I had my firstborn when I was 22. Back then I said “I won’t have children after 30”! Now I am 41, am relaxed as someone can be and know what and what not to do when it comes to pregnancy and raising children. I don’t feel like I am too old to do this again.

Do I look forward in getting bigger and suffering from morning sickness and being tired all day long? Of course not!

But I am looking forward to bring new beautiful life into this world!

Of course I don’t consider me a pro but I am doing the best I can.

I am excited and hopeful and am looking forward to the future…


Negativ Sites Of Parenthood

When you become a parent, you have all these ideals like, my baby will never sleep in my bed or my child will eat all the healthy food which of course I will cook from scratch…

New parents or parents to be hold onto their believes until the shit hits the fan and they end up crying for whatever reason… sleep deprivation, rejecting food, throwing tantrums are just a few to be named.

Nowadays I find myself tearing up every once in a while as my two older children hate me and my little ones are still at their dads and I miss them.

I think it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, if your child wants to be angry with you it will be no matter what. You can be strict, you can allow them whatever they desire, you can beg and plead… no one knows what the right way is!

Despite the fact that we all love our children, I am pretty sure that the one or other, including me, thought why we got children in the first place. I know, I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. Sometimes the weight on our shoulders is seems just too much and we cry, we get angry, we are disappointed in ourself and the world.

But I strongly believe… no, I just have to believe that there will be better times and that the struggle will end and happy days will return.

So whatever situation you are in, no sleep, no money, children away and/or hate you, an ex who hates you more than your children, a boring/shit paid job that is not compatible with your working hours, not being able to get rid of your annoying baby pounds, friends who don’t have time for you anymore because they don’t know what it is like to have children, teenagers who know everything better…

I have been there, I still am and I am feeling you, I really do.

But I swallow my tears who would just make me ugly and I march on, hoping for better times, just as I always do.

That’s what we do, right? We love and we march on!


I Think My Ego Is Gone

My beloved huge ego… it’s gone. Flew away with the four winds the second I met my other half!

It’s funny how we act differently in every relationship.

In previous relationships I would have always acted like I am Gods gift. If it was over with a guy I would cry for two, maybe even three days and move on. If I had something to say I was quite bland. I spoke my mind without thinking about whether I hurt his feelings. I would still do my thing as if I was single.

Now for the first time ever, I actually wonder if I am enough for my man. I wonder if he will still love me in a couple of years or move on with someone else.

Back then I didn’t give a flying poop when I heard stories of former lovers, now it kind of bothers me and I can feel myself tense up.

I am not insecure and I am perfectly happy in our relationship. I think those thoughts pop up because I genuinely care and love him so much.

I guess if you really love someone it comes naturally to please your man/woman and I am really enjoying it. And when those thoughts are floating around my mind it is a sign of not taking him for granted.

So I am okay with my ego having a party somewhere else with someone else. I don’t need it anymore.


My Daughter Hates Me…

Yeah it’s right, she hates me right now! She does every time she doesn’t get what she wants.

If there is an occasion, she throws a tantrum and if that doesn’t work, she plays the guilt card… if that doesn’t work she lists all the bad things I may or may not have done, the things I said which she took personal and how bad of a mother overall I am!

But this time, this time ladies and gentlemen, she took it to a whole new level!!!

Let me start from the beginning:

The biological father left us when the now old babies where 3 and 1 1/2 years old which was a real blessing!

During the years he went from seeing the children once per week/every second weekend to once per year! I didn’t even tell them when he was supposed to pick them up as often he would just cancel.

During visiting periods their biological dad would never phone, write or email! I asked him to put more effort in as one day the children would not want to have anything to do with him.

Which was the case! My daughter refused for years to meet him. He even blamed her for being depressed!

He has given me so much grief, has not paid child support for a couple of years and always blames others for whatever goes wrong in his life! But despite our difficulties I always thought, that the children have to make up their own mind and decide whether they want to see him or not. I gave them the choice. I didn’t want to take that from them.

Now that I moved out, my darling daughter insists that I have to give her the child support money as she is entitled to it! She claimed she needed it for her college course next year. Which is bullshit as she would not save it whatsoever!

When I refused, explaining to her that I still contribute to the household even though I am not physically there, she contacted her “real” dad, asking for the money to be transferred to her dads (darling ex) account instead of mine!

I even told her, that her dad needs the money for food, water and whatever she needs for school, clothing…. and that there might not be much left for her.

And do you know what she said???

“That is okay!”

This is just a power thing!

Of course the biological dad gladly transferred the money to darling ex, not replying to my emails asking for the outstanding 14.000€ child support he still owes me!

I usually don’t bad mouth someone (the biological dad) who is not here to defend themselves. But believe me, in this case…. oh in this case….

I just say it as it is:

Once an asshole, always an asshole!!!


The Stigmata Of Single Mothers

I don’t know why this is still a common thing:

Single mothers… single mothers who try to find happiness in a new relationship. Often I heard things like:

She just wants to find a new father for her kids and to be taken care of…. the poor new guy has to play father figure and pay for everything……

It is no wonder why so many women stay because they believe, no sane, good man would ever want her. I know women who where scared to end a relationship because of that exact thing.

But if it was the other way around and there is a single father, raising his children alone, all you hear is:

What a good man, doing it all alone.

I bet no one would say when he is in a new relationship that he just wants to be secure!

I see it this way:

If a man does not want you, it has nothing to do with your children! It’s more that he doesn’t love you!

A man who loves you, really loves you, loves everything about you including your children. The question wouldn’t even arise, if her motives are genuine or if she is just after security and money!

And even if a single mother does not find a new relationship, I believe it is better to be alone and enjoy your children than in a miserable one!



This year’s halloween wasn’t what I would have expected.

For 19 years I have been celebrating it with my children. This year however I didn’t get to spend my favourite day of the year with them.

My older ones do their own thing and the little ones had plans with their dad already…

I celebrated it with one laughing and one crying eye.

One crying eye because I miss my babies so much and the routine we had is gone.

On all hallows eve, or halloween, we would decorate the house inside and out, put the carved pumpkins with candles outside the door, put candles in all windows and the kids would go trick or treating. Now trick or treating wasn’t going to happen anyway, but there was no decoration, no sweeties and watching “Hokus Pokus” with the little ones…

And one laughing eye because I knew that this is the only day where the dead can cross the border to come back and spend time with us. That is the only day I get to spend time with my grandparents. I know you will think I am cuckoo, but I strongly believe in this!

But the good thing is, there is always a next halloween!


Finally Moved Out…

It’s done. I finally moved out and in with my new man who is incredible. He is hot and funny and kind and so much more.

On Monday I will start my new job and I am excited about learning new skills.

This is a much needed new start.

The only thing missing are the babies. I miss them and wished they could be here with us already. Of course I miss my older babies too… but they don’t need me anymore… not really.

I think the babies need a new start as well. My little daughter is not doing well in school at all. Probably caused by the divorce of darling ex and myself.

Ever since she joined her new school, she got bullied. Not all the time and I am sure most of the teachers do their best to speak to all involved but it got to the point, that (apparently) she is quite aggressive towards other children and she does not follow tasks during class.

Like me, my children never found real friends in Callander. It’s always a back and forth. And we all know what children can be like. Once they pick on someone, they keep on doing it and so I believe a new school might be a good idea.

Unfortunately finding an affordable home in good old Scotland can be difficult when you have a specific budget. The nicer the area, the higher the rent from a private landlord. And council houses? The demand is high and the waiting lists for new builds already endless…

My favourite time of the year, autumn and winter, has finally arrived but I can’t really fully enjoy it so far.

I haven’t felt so good recently…. couldn’t exercise which is a big deal… my babies are not around….my kitties are at the old place…..another lock down is possibly looming…

But I am loved by my man, by my children and friends and that outweighs the negatives.

I march on because that is the only way I have ever known.

And as long I have love in my life, it’s worth fighting for my dreams and hopes.

What more can someone ask for???


I Don’t Like Sunny Days

Today I found myself in a park in Perth, walking my man’s dog. It was a beautiful sunny day in good old Scotland. Blue sky, next to no wind and mild.

And I looked gorgeous! For those who would like a specified description of my todays look, here you go:

Curly brown chin length mop of hair, black knee length wool Fred Perry dress, knee length socks that says “never grow up” from Oilily, black leather ankle boots from Vivobarefoot, knee length checkered wool coat from Me&Em with matching knee length scarf and blue and red Mulberry leather, over the shoulder handbag. E voila!

So while I was walking the dog, or rather the dog walking me as she only listens at her convenience, I was loudly sighing my heart out.

I just couldn’t enjoy the day! Why? Because I was alone!

And that is the thing:

Ever since I was a little child, I could not keep myself busy for a longer period of time. I get so, so, bored.

It doesn’t matter what I try to do:

From walking the dog, excising or shopping-

The whole time I am thinking “I wished someone would keep me company”.

I know, I know, pathetic. But that’s what it is.

I am spoiled and high maintenance.

Lucky me I am back home now, the tea is cooking on the stove and my other half is coming home soon.

Tomorrow will be another, more exciting day!