I was born, like all of us, naked. Later on I was baptised an evangelic. Later on I went to a two year “study course” all of us children in my little town had to do in order to receive our “confirmation”. I did it because that’s what all other children around me did. I could never relate to this religion. It always felt to me that with every rule there is a back door to side step specific rules. It just didn’t feel right.
13 or 14 years ago I became a catholic! My fathers family is catholic. I have seen how they live, what they believed in and how they treated each other and behaved with other individuals. So different from my family and from what I learned in “my church”. Or maybe it was just my perception.
Back then I felt I needed something to hold on to and God was the only one I thought would hear me and my pleads. I felt that rules and structure would make me focus and move on in life.
During the process of becoming a catholic I needed to attend weekly religious lessons with a nun for 6 month which I surprisingly enjoyed!
Once I asked her, why God let bad things happen. And she explained that it is not in Gods power, to stop bad things nor is it his fault bad things happen to (some of) us. That God created the human in his likeness and that we ourselves choose the path we take. We choose how to live our life and how we react in certain ways.
So I started to think to myself, were is the point in praying? Why talking to the All Mighty when he never answers in a way we can see? If he really answers that is! Why do we ask for help when all he does is listening to our desperate pleads without acting on it?
Giving us help and strength and faith and patience when some of us don’t know how to feed our children does not bring us any further if you ask me. Does God hear and see when women and children are getting abused? I wonder how it makes him feel? There are so many things that are wrong in this world…
But the most important thing (for me) is, that no religions should tell you how to live your life! Surely if there is a God, whatever his or her name is, will love us no matter what way we choose, right?!
I believe in everything that can’t be explained! I believe in the old Gods from the Celts til the Norse Gods, I believe in Fairies and ghosts, I believe that on Samhain the dead come to spend the day with us remaining here on earth, but in God himself? I am not so sure anymore.
More and more I find it quite difficult to “believe” with so many unanswered questions. I just don’t seem to see the answers….