Month: October 2016

Dreams- do you believe???

We all dream. Maybe not every night, maybe sometimes we can’t remember, sometimes they are nice dreams and sometimes not so nice, disturbing or annoying.

Dreams can frighten or inspire us. OR we don’t give a second thought about a dream.

I personally think, a dream is just that, a dream!

I don’t believe in dream interpretation! I don’t believe that subconsciously in our dreams we try to work out our insecurities, problems or life in general.

Usually I don’t give second thoughts about a dream I had and later, sometimes even an hour later, I already have forgotten about it.

BUT sometimes, like a few days ago, I dream that I am pregnant with a baby boy. And when that happens, it bothers me a lot and the dream still lingers around in my mind:

I remember how happy I was and that I couldn’t believe my luck despite the fact, I am not allowed to have another baby. Everything was fine, it was warm and I couldn’t await this precious little human being. I wanted to stay in this dream forever… it was too good to be true-

I woke up and reality hit me. Forever I will be the woman “who would have loved another little boy” and I wonder if those dreams will hunt me forever?

Though the dream was so nice, it saddens me to know that this will never ever happen to me again. Also I think, it is unfair! I don’t deserve those kind of dreams!

If one of those dreams occurs again, I hope I have forgotten all about it by the time I wake up!!!


Working Class

Recently I watched “Sex and the city” (I just love the series) and whenever one of those ladies have a (new) date, they meet for dinner and I wondered:

Is that a rich thing, or did I interact with the wrong people? Or is it a culture thing?

When I was still out there dating, not once did a man suggest to pick me up for dinner! A nice cafe once in a while (and even that was rare) but that was it.

Something tells me, that it is a rich thing indeed. Or maybe something wealthy people or people with a high income are able to do as this is what there clientele, family and friends does.

I, however, belong to the species “working class”. Which is my own fault! I know that! I could have put more effort in when I was still in school. But I didn’t. I belonged to the stupid teenagers who only did what was necessary to get a half way decent final school report.

And after I finished and passed my 3 year job training, yes, even then I was still stupid and didn’t take a good job offer….

Just now I just watched the latest episode of “Shameless” and I can relate to it in so many ways. I have seen families like this, was friends with them and some things happened to me as well.

When I watch this show, I can feel their desperation, I know what’s it like not to know how to survive the month. I know how the head ticks when you have to come up with a solution, how it feels like when all you want to do is cry and run away… it is a tough world…

Don’t get me wrong, my husbands wage is higher than most others and I recently got myself a job as well, but we have 4 children, a loan to pay off, next to no savings (hence why I got a job as well) and want to buy a house in the near future.

We are a happy family and can be lucky to have each other… it is okay to be working class and work hard for your money, but sometimes, just sometimes I wish it was easier and the weight on the shoulders a bit lighter.

That’s all…


There it is…the vegan glow- BUT

I might not have had the pregnancy-glow (at least I didn’t see it or maybe my eyesight is/was not the greatest), but finally, finally the vegan glow knocked on my door!

Yes, I still get the odd spot every now and then, especially when I try a new product, my skin reacts like a cat you try to bath, but compared to what it was before, that is okay.

But, and here it comes, why don’t want my love-handles shrink?!

And no, dearest (check out her blog, she is a very funny bee), I WILL NOT embrace it!

You see those good looking, slim, slender, vegan people like Freelee, or Woody Harrelson. They look young, they are slim at all the right places and you think

“I am a healthy living vegan, junk only once per week, why don’t I look more like them???”

Of course I belong to the species “normal human being”. Unfortunately with very stubborn love-handles and it drives me mental!

I am a slim person, I exercise, I eat healthy, but those little sh.ts….BIG SIGH….

Well I presume every woman knows how it feels when the desired areas won’t shrink or change the way or in the time you want it.

Only solution? Hm…. sadly money is not growing out of my pockets, so no personal trainer, cook and/or surgery for me, instead keep on eating healthy and exercise a bit harder!

Happy weekend everyone!


I turned into someone….

I used to shake my head at!

You know those people who take a pill the very second they feel a slight scratch in their throat, an ache in the joins or slight pressure behind the eyes???

I used to shake my head at said people, tried to lecture them, that taking medicine straight away for a teeny niggle is not necessary! I just couldn’t understand why they did/do it.

And this morning I found myself doing the very same thing!

It started a few days ago. I had a slight scratchy throat and one (!) side of my nose was blocked (only in the morning!!!), but I thought, okay, maybe I didn’t get enough oxygen during the night. I didn’t think that maybe the constant coughing, kisses with sloppy noses and getting touched with tiny dirty fingers which belong to my two little children (who are suffering from a cold at the moment), could be the cause!

I woke up this morning with a slight pressure in my head, scratchy throat and next to no appetite. And I am always hungry when I wake up!

And what did I do?! I have taken Nurofen tablets because I couldn’t even bare the thought of getting ill. Every time I catch a cold, I am suffering for weeks from a painful sinus infection. You know, your nose and everything around is blocked, eyes stinging and you want to bang your head through a wall, because of the headache you have 24/7.

I don’t want that nor can I afford it!

After all I just got myself a job and I, being in need of money,  am afraid I could get fired.

So, yes, I have taken medicine right away. SIGH, I guess sometimes you just have to do what is necessary.

Let’s hope those nasty what ever it is I might have caught, will move on….


What we lost in the fire, we’ll find in the ashes

The love we embraced has gone, with it someone we thought is the one

In the ashes we’ll find bits of the past, luckily future knocks on the door very fast



A long lost childhood we never had. The child inside grew up too fast, too sad

In the ashes we’ll find children of our own, living the childhood we longed for so long



Gone far too soon, traveling to the moon

In the ashes we’ll find time to heal and it is alright, so alright to feel



Friendships are meant to be, sadly we don’t always see

In the ashes we’ll find a kinder heart, a heart that outshines the brightest art




My mojo is back- hello runners knee!

Some people have or get the winter-blues, I as it happened, got the summer-blues!!!

Summer is just not my favourite time of the year. Yes, it might rain a little less, the sun is out and longer BUT it is way too warm for me!

I just can’t cope with the heat! “Heat” here in the north of England starts with 18C end usually ends with around 25C!

My, my, I sound like an old granny, but it is true. The warmer it gets, the less I want to exercise. I just can’t be bothered. I can’t get my behind up and out of the door!

Now that summer is over, the temperatures are at around 14C or less, my running-mojo has returned! Yeah!!!

It is crisp outside, the leaves are falling, the light is warmer, it is windy constantly…. yes, it might be a bit more wet and boggy, but that is OK!

I am ready to go running!!!

Unfortunately after a marathon last weekend (DT40 in Leyburn, Yorkshire Dales), I am suffering from what you call a “runners knee”!

Don’t ask me how that happened! I was a bit stiff the day after but another day later it hurt so much that I could do nothing but limp to the doctor.

“Rest it”, she said….”for 4 – 6 weeks”, she said.


Why now???

After a week of limping around, 1000 painkillers later, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore when I walk, sit or sleep.

Until I am able to run again, I have to survive of lettuce just to make sure, I don’t put extra pounds on.

Ha, me the little bunny…with useless legs….

But I can see light at the end of the tunnel!

Have a great one, everyone!


“Hotel Transylvania 2” and my pregnancy

At the moment my son Cash watches “Hotel Transylvania 2” non-stop. It is his favourite movie!

And when I watched the scene where the girl in bat form tells her vampire dad (also in bat form) that she is pregnant, he is over the moon and automatically think:

That’s how parents should always react! No matter what, they should be happy and supportive!

I know the movie is a silly comparison but still cute.

Some of you might read my post, why I hid my third pregnancy from everyone especially my mother.

Of all people, my mother should have been the happiest but instead it went like this:

  • The first time we barely spoke, because we didn’t get along very well back then and when we finally did, I still didn’t hear her say, how excited or happy she is for me!
  • The second time I told her I was pregnant again, she asked if I wanted to keep “it”!
  • The third time I told her only 2 month before I was due and again, no words of happiness or support!
  • The fourth time I told her when I was 4 month gone and she simply said “if that is what you want…?”

Did I miss something here? Or am I too picky? Or am I just too hard with her? I mean, I shouldn’t tell my own mother to be happy for me, should I?

All I know is, when one of my children comes home pregnant or got someone pregnant, I will be happy and supportive.

Of course if they come home pregnant under aged, or because they have forgotten any type of precaution, or even worse, can’t remember who the babies father is, they will get an ear full. I will most likely loose my temper….BUT…after that I will hug them, tell them everything will be alright and that I am happy, very happy to welcome my grandchild!

That’s how it should be! OK, maybe without the shouting, but the shouting and threats might work for the next time they decide to have some fun in the bed department!


From city-girl to country-girl

I grew up in a small town and hated it til the second I moved away!

Always did I want to live in the big city and could not understand, why my parents are fine with their choice which seems to suffocate me.

Until recently I couldn’t picture myself to live for the rest of my life in a (small) town.

I loved the varieties a big city had to offer, the millions of shops, the anonymity and therefor being invisible among a big crowd which seems to rush around like tiny ants.

To see new faces every day was so exciting, that people didn’t pay much attention to you was pleasant.

Until yesterday morning some tiny doubts still lingered in the back of my head:

Will I be really happy with the decision to live in the countryside and/or on an isle??? Will I not miss the “big-city-life”?

Yesterday morning I had to drive down to Leeds to apply for my national security number.

It was not so much that I started to sweat because I couldn’t find anywhere to park (common thing in cities). It also didn’t really bother me that, when I finally found a parking lot and realized I don’t have any change, I sweated even more while dragging a 2-year along to the next shop to get change…

No… what I realized was the dot over the “i”, the cherry on the cake, the last bit that would push you over the edge:

If we would move to a big city or bigger town, it would be very difficult (again) to make friends. People would not smile at you and say “hello” though you are a total stranger. People wouldn’t take care of you, people just wouldn’t know you.

Would I be able to knock on the neighbor’s door, to borrow something or ask if they could look after the little ones for whatever reason or drive me to the doc? I highly doubt it!

I stood still for a moment and looked around.

Everything was so fast moving, everyone more or less in rush, next to no smiles on peoples faces, no “hellos”, no opportunity for the children to run wild, no green spots and I realized, I don’t like that anymore! Not for me and also not for my family.

The last doubts where blown away there and then.

It is funny how time can change your view of things.

However, when it is time to finally settle down (I hope sooner rather than later), we will do it very quietly. We will not tell a single soul because we don’t want anyone to intervene. We just don’t want anyone to influence our decision.

I already imagine their faces when we phone them up to inform:

“Hey, we live in/on now …. our new address is….”

It is nice to do things the way I/WE want it, don’t you think?