Month: August 2016

I was a cheat!

Recently when my husband and me went for a walk in the evening, cheating came up. And I said to him, before I met him I always cheated!

He was a bit taken aback and asked, if I cheated on every boyfriend.

I was thinking about that…. and tried to explain:

When it went down with a relationship, and I don’t deny that is was possibly on me, I cheated.

BUT the next day or even the same day, I ended my relationship because I knew cheating is not OK unless you have an open relationship and/or your other half is fine with it.

For some reason I thought, that it doesn’t really qualify as cheating when I end my relationship straight away, but it does, doesn’t it?!

You want to know why I cheated? The answer is simple:

Because I wasn’t in love and didn’t care (enough) about my boyfriend(s)! I wasn’t married and therefor I still had the “Free-As-A-Bird” status which allowed me to do as I pleased.

Do I regret that I cheated? No I don’t, because I never told my boyfriend(s) the said reason which topped the break-up which would have made the heartache for them even worse. I think cheating was my reason to end a relationship for good.


Nobody deserves to get cheated at. It is just wrong and the one who got cheated at will always asked themselves, what they did wrong!


Thoughts on the one word prompt “cheat”.

My One Mistake

Normally I am a person who believes in not regretting! I believe that we make mistakes to learn from  and later in time we look back and can laugh about it, make a face or just shake the head and say “happens”.

But my one and only biggest mistake ever was to meet the biological father of my two older children!

If I could go back in time, I would run in the opposite direction instead of getting involved with him.

I am not angry with him because he left me with back then a 1 1/2 and 3 year old, no, I am angry because he changed so much after the split!

I did my very best to raise my children to good polite human beings, I taught them how to tie their shoe laces, how to cycle and even how to swim. I helped them in school and drove them to friends… taught them  not to judge a book by its cover and so much more!

I worked to get food on the table, clothes on the children and a roof over their head.

And what did I get from him? No support whatsoever! No child support until recently (and even for that I had to beg and threat with a lawyer) only negativity and regular threats that he will go to the court to get the children.

And that from a person, who was always broke because he can’t handle money, sometimes didn’t even have a place to live and not even had regular long lasting jobs!

In front of others he always played the good caring loving father, but in real, he only saw the children 3 times PER YEAR!!! No phone calls or emails during the year, no letters. And now that we live abroad, it is only once per year.

But the worst, he involved my precious two innocent babies in our fights, just before when we moved house and once didn’t even want to bring them back!

My children did not have a clue what was going on, I always acted like everything was okay, never let a bad word slip my lips in front of them and what did he do? He talked with them about us! Twisted their minds, made them cry, told them lies…

Fortunately now that they are a bit older they have seen through his game.

I would have forgiven him all the above, but involving children in adult arguments? No! That is a big NO!

So yes, my biggest mistake is, that I met the biological father of my children and if I would be heartless, brainless and dumb like him, I would even say “no” to visits between them.

But I am a good mom, my children have to make up their own mind and decide whether they want to see him or not!

I know God is a loving person and forgives, but sometimes I wish, he would make a bus hit my ex very hard, reverse and do it again… I don’t wish him the death, of course not! But a bit of torture would satisfy me!


Thoughts on the one word prompt “mistake”

A happier vegan

I just finished the 4th season of “Nashville”.

While I watched the last few episodes online (in the UK it will be on telly later this year, I think), I came across a actress which I used to watch in a 90s series.

Back then I always thought, she looks so beautiful but when I have seen her now, I was a bit shocked about how old she looks now! I don’t want to say who it is, because I don’t want to offend her. She is still beautiful but looks in this show older than she actually is.

She looks tired and has puffy eyes and I wondered, if it has something to do with her life style or the way she eats or even if she is sick.

And I thought, do I want to look like that in 3 years time? Frightened. No, I don’t and the thought that I am on a vegan life style now, put me back at ease!

Then the very handsome Woody Harrelson came in my mind. And this lovely vegan individual person looks much younger than 55 and is practically glowing!

Sometimes you need a trigger to do the last step to get rid of bad habits! I found my trigger and am a bit happier now.

Though I still think, pizza is not the same without cheese but  that is fine with me now!


Hold back the river

Hold back the river….

I am feeling loved. I feel love through hugs, little gestures and words.

Love was always waiting for me wherever I went.

It makes me warm and I smile.

My outer shell screams contentment, confidence.

But don’t look into my eyes. They hold back a river of loneliness.

Loneliness and me are walking hand in hand.

It is not pulling me down, it is pulling me through, whatever it is.

Nobody can make that right.

And nobody can see.

Can see how I hold back.

Hold back the river of loneliness.


Though a bit older and published before, my thoughts to the one word prompt “eyes”


RT4 and why it isn’t for me

I have been on a raw til 4 diet before and have been for the past two month (I think).

I felt really good knowing how many good things I put into my body but the thing I did not like was the still full/big belly in the morning! Like a food-baby!

But that is not the reason why it doesn’t work for me.

I am not an active person in the evening! And when you have your main (warm) meal in the evening or in my case between 3 and 5pm and you don’t move much afterwards (exercise or being outdoors in any form) it is not high likely you loose weight.

I am like one of those Duracell bunnies. In the morning I work on high speed and do three million things at once but as the day goes on, my batteries start to run low.

Everybody who is familiar with RT4 says, the body needs to heal first to start the transformation. But I think my body didn’t need much healing as I have eaten very healthy already before going fully vegan. Plus I am very impatient as some of you already figured out!

So I decided to have my fruit and veg in the morning, midday something yummy warm if I please and for the evening veg and hummus or veggie soup.

Veg and hummus for my dinner. Yeah that will be great!!! My love handles will be gone in no time, I will jump sky high for joy!!!

Awww who am I kidding??? I will be in a foul mood for the next few weeks every evening until I get used to it!!! I just call it “a day” or even better “days” and repeat over and over again “love handles…. think of the love handles!!!”



I’d like to kick my daughter to the moon!

Yes, it seems a bit harsh to some, but I would like, no I would LOVE to kick my teenage daughter to the moon… and even further!!!

Yes, this is a RANT blog!

She drives me out of my mind!

She has been away at her grandparents for three weeks (oh what for a bliss that was!). While she was away, my hubby found out that our dear daughter got several hidden social media accounts where she pretended to be older than she is, with a lot of pictures where you can see cleavage…

Yes, most teenage girls  do pretend to be older and yes, they post a lot of pictures (the worst ones to me are the “duck-face” ones which to be honest rather look like a cats bum!!!) But the thing is, there where a lot of men, MUCH older men talking to her and we all know there are a lot of perverts out there-

A naive young girl does not!!!

However, my beloved husband sorted it out straight away via phone, explained her mistakes/thoughtless actions, also asked why she hid them from us and also told her, that she has to change her attitude towards us which she ruefully agreed to!

Yeah, that was a good one!

Attitude, attitude, and did I mention it yet? ATTITUDE is all I get!

She barely gets her lazy behind of her bed! If I would start to recite what I get to hear all day long, you would either fall asleep or at least your bum cheeks, probably both!

It is a good thing, that I practice yoga on a regular basis, so despite the fact that she drives me mental I am still quite “zen”, but there is only so much a person can and should take, right???

But it’s okay! She got her own maid!

Someone who washes her laundry, puts her laundry back in the cupboard, shops and cooks, clothes and provides a roof over her!

Do I expect a “thank you”? No,


So yes, I wish I could kick her for a while, long enough to get VERY hungry and think about her actions, to the moon!!!

And while I do so, I lean back on the sofa and enjoy the peace… as much peace as you get with three more children around, but that is okay!


Thoughts to the one word prompt “Moon”

I should be running…

… but my running mojo hasn’t returned yet. It is probably on a non-stop party with another runner and obviously very happy!

Today I got woken up by bright sunshine! That and a sleepy voice whispering “cocoa…cocoa, mommy” and little feet trying to push me out of the bed.

I could have went for a (quick) early run, but I didn’t. Instead I did one hour of kettle bell, a tiny bit yoga and stretching and even then I really had to kick my own behind!

A week or so ago, I even posted on hardmoors Facebook site for advice what runners did when they experienced something similar.

I got plenty of answers and advice like

  • leave gadgets at home
  • go for shorter runs
  • relax for a week
  • do other things

As for the gadgets, I am not a big fan anyway and only take my watch if I run a new route to see how far it is and how long it takes and I did all the rest but still…

I honestly think, it is a head thing and I start to think about giving my hardmoors 60 place up.

Not because I won’t make it to the finish line. I probably would… with a little cry here and there… aching all over (because I didn’t exercise properly) and crawling the last bit…

But right now all I want to do is being lazy! Which frightens me a bit because that is so not me! I am not a lazy person! I love to be busy the whole day. I wouldn’t admit it all loud and yes I  get impatient the longer the day but only a busy day is a good day!

Or at least so it was until now.

It is (finally) nice weather, my two older children are back from their holiday so I technically could go for a run whenever I please, but why is my head not in it???

Maybe I am just not so happy at the moment and the impact is so massive , that I can’t be bothered with anything, not even change something.

That is sad, I know.

Well, maybe tomorrow is a better day. The light at the end of the tunnel is still on…