Month: May 2016

If I would have told you


If I would have told you, the reason why  I hug you so tight is because it might be the last time, would you have been worried?

If I would have told you, you smell lovely, would you have snuggled closer?

If I would have told you, I miss you so much it hurts, would you have been more around?

If I would have told you, I love the melody of your voice, would you have talked more?

If I would have told you, you are the most beautiful person, would you have believed it?

If I would have told you, I loved you, would you have waited?

So many words unspoken.

So many questions left.

If only I would have told you…



The commitment issue

I was told a few times, I should come and join a running club, see what it is like and every time my reply is

“Yes, I might”.

And I really mean it when I say it. But later on when the the deadline for the day comes closer, I find a million reasons not to go…. bad weather, maybe the other runners are much faster than me and I would hold them back… my running tights are not washed (all 5!) and/or I put weight on and can’t squeeze into them, are just a few.

Every time when I finish a good book, I put it in my cupboard to the others with the good intention to pass them on to my children. But after some time, sometimes even years, I start to sort books out, because my cupboard looks so untidy, the heavy weight could damage the wood, the books are not appropriate for the children and so on.

The same goes for clothes, I want to squirrel them away but start to feel uneasy with so many things I don’t wear anymore. Off to the next recycling bin.

Sadly the same happened with best friends. Only that they didn’t up in a recycling bin but then again, who knows? At some point even though I thought real friendships last forever, it came to a split. After trying and trying to make a friendship work, I just chucked them!

In the last 15 years I moved house 9 or 10 times. If I stay too long at some place I get nervous. I needed a change of scenery. I knew my surroundings. Why stay put?

Oh totally forgotten to mention the little voice in my head, or maybe it is a little devil sitting on my shoulder, saying when it came to boyfriends:

“Is that it? Was that all? Surely there must be more!” followed from THE SPEECH which always went like this

“I am sorry, but I don’t love you and this is me, splitting up from you!”

Exactly like that to make sure, they get it and know there is no way to talk me out of it!

I can’t even make plans. If I want to go shopping or for a trip, I decide a few hours or even only minutes beforehand. If I want to go for holidays, I decide just before the school term ends. Who knows what for other exciting possibilities are waiting for me?

Not even my skin care routine/products are the same long term wise. Maybe one day they won’t produce my current favourite items anymore and then what?!

So here you go, I say it all aloud:

I (think) I have commitment issues!!! But I am not unhappy about it because on the other hand, maybe it is just another way to keep the door open!



What happened to sex dreams?!?

I woke up this morning and was quite annoyed about the fact that I had a sex dream.

But not the usual type of sex dream, oh no, that would have been too good to be true! Ts.

The dream I had started so nice. . .

For some reason I was friends with a boy who looked exactly like Austin Butler! You know the cute guy who plays in the “Shannara Chronicles” and also in “The Carrie Diaries”.

We where hanging out and then he said “….let me hug you….” and so he did, only that the hug lasted longer than it should have considering the fact, you are only friends.

I remember I snuggled into him, feeling his warm body pressing into mine. I felt a million butterflies in my belly and a nice tingling sensation started in “south under”.

But hold on, something wakes me up. Sure you know the feeling, when you just woke up from a horny dream or even better, when you even “made it to the end”.

So I tried desperately to fall back asleep to continue my dream and I even manage it.

So back to the cosy hug. He then looks me deep in the eyes and I think

Yes baby, let’s get it on…

I can feel my heart beating like wild when he says “I want you… not as friend…”, his lips are only inches away from mine and I can feel his warm minty breath.

All I can think of is, go on, pleeeeeease kiss me, but I say

“I can’t do that, I am married!”

And wake up! Wait, what?!? Seriously???

I mean, apart from the fact that in reality he wouldn’t be my type because

a) he is around 10 years younger

b) blond and blue eyes,

I would have appreciated a nice naughty dream.

That is all my husbands fault! He ruined me! Before I knew him I always had sex dreams! ALL.THE.TIME!

Never mind whether I was in a relationship or not. In case you think, that is bad and I might miss something:

To me, there is no meaning when it comes to dreams. It is just what it is, a dream.

I mean, once I dreamed I had sex with Willem Dafoe and no offense Mr. Dafoe, but you are so absolutely not my type at all!

So I wonder, are sex dreams which excludes your other half, lost forever once you are married and off the market?



What would you think?

My dear husband just read my last post

and claims, it reads like a dating ad!

Which of course I denied, because it isn’t. So the conversation goes on and he asks me, if I would be single looking for a man, would I change or add anything?

“No”, I said because I like to surround me with men who are like me. If I don’t have much in common with someone, there is not much of a connection and if you want to call someone your best friend, it is  (at least in my case) because you are very much alike!

So I wonder:

Is it wrong to seek the same attributes in a best friend???



The “Best Friend Ad”

Though it is almost 7 years  since my best friend and me “split-up”, I still miss him.

Or maybe it is the fact that I miss a best (male) friend in general. Maybe I should mention that I prefer male best friends over females, because lets face it ladies, most of us get offensive, take things personal or I don’t know what else by things we get to hear.

I am a little exception. I don’t take things and life too serious, I am easy going, speak my mind and believe that is why the opposite sex likes to hang out with me.


Recently I got asked by a runner I met a couple of month ago if we could run together as he got a bit lazy and knows that my husband and me run a lot. Or maybe he meant just my husband and just wanted to be polite not to say out loud that he doesn’t want to run with me as well. But let’s say, he meant us both.

So I got all excited, dreaming about a new best friend. Of course husband claims, there must be more to it and that I fancy him.

To get this straight:

Said runner has a girlfriend, I have a husband. So that would be a no-go!

But if I could place an ad it probably would say this:

Looking for a new best friend.

You should be:

  • Between 30 and 55 years of age.
  • Able to pay your own bills.
  • An active sports person, preferably a runner
  • Tattooed
  • Cultivated
  • Easy going and laid back attitude

You should have the same or similar interests like:

  • Reading
  • Like to go out and socialize
  • TV series and sitcoms
  • Love to spend time outdoors

You should not be:

  • A drunk
  • A smoker
  • Pitiful
  • Dishonest
  • Disrespectful/ Impolite

The look should be:

  • Slim/Well built figure
  • Casual laid back and original sense of style

I am not looking for any kind of romance! If you think you fulfill the requirements, send me an email with picture.

Phew, looks like quite some expansive ad.

Yeah, a new best friend would be more than nice, but if our “running-date” next week is just that, a running date and no further interpersonal  connection, then so be it.

But who knows maybe with a bit luck, I get/got myself a new buddy!



Share or not to share

When I buy two packages of muffins with the intention to share them with the rest of the family, it means I am caring.

But when I end up eating them all on my own only thinking “I’m gonna get fat”, does it mean I am greedy?!


Imperfect Perfect


In my heart I let you pour out all your worries

Always will I have your back

Many a time I heard my heart is made of stone

I might not show it often, but hope the special moments of  love will be enough

My eyes look at you and wonder why you are so sad

Perhaps it was something I said

Ever so often  my tongue is faster than my mind

Regardless of what it might cause

Fear not my love, see through my words

Eager to make it right

Chances are high I fail

That I upset you again

Panic is rising inside you

Emotions are high

Rain is falling from my eyes

Face me just one more time

End it if you can not see the love within me

Care enough to hold on tight

Take and embrace the imperfect perfect