Recently my husband and me had some sort of a… lets say an angry conversation where I blurted out, that he is a bit too demanding recently.
I love my husband, I really do! I married him. Before him, I never wanted to get married, it wasn’t important and I didn’t feel that I really belonged to someone or wanted to belong.
I don’t know if it has something to do with the way I was brought up, but ever since I was a little girl, I kind of always was on my own and had to solve problems myself eventually.
When I still lived in the same country as my friends, I loved to hang out with them, do things, have a drink every know and then and go clubbing. But I also had days, where I just couldn’t do it, where I just wanted to be on my own, enjoy the peace.
Recently I feel suffocated by my family. When I wake up in the morning for example, I don’t want to talk much. I just want to get everything ready, get the little ones ready. I was never a bubbly morning person though I don’t like to sleep in…
But when you have four children and a husband and everyone wants something from you, everyone seeks your attention, it feels like you see 1000 faces and hear 1000 voices in your head. At least that is how I experience it.
I start to get nervous, it makes breathing difficult and it is like something tries to push me down and though I don’t want to, I can feel myself shutting everyone out.
And when I feel like that and don’t find an outlet quickly, I wonder how close is too close? Do I have to make every wish come true, clap them on the shoulder, approve every little thing? Give compliments all the time?
To me, frankly, it is not that I don’t want to, it is as a matter of fact, just an exhausting thing to do. All I want when it happens, is to run away. I don’t want to listen and I don’t want to see. But when you have a family, you can’t do that. You have to cope, you have to fit in, you have to make it work.
Maybe it is me. Maybe it is my fault for thinking, if I don’t need those things, my family doesn’t neither.
I was always like that, a bit like the lonely wolf and I am afraid I can’t change it.
Guess it is a good thing my husband and children loves me…. and that it is illegal to tie them with a gag on a chair when they want too many things at a time.