Month: March 2016

What if your partner cheats on you???

A few days ago, I have seen my doctor because I had/have some… hmmmm…. let’s say “ladies issues” in the south under department. So I was tested for stds and also asked if I was married or slept with anyone else but my husband.

Of course not! This begs the question, what if my husband was unfaithful? What if he had a weak and/or drunken moment and it just happened? Though I can’t imagine him doing such a cruel thing. But many women think or thought like that until it hit them.

What would you do? What if you are happy in your relationship and you think everything is running smooth and all of a sudden your doc phones to tell, you caught a nasty disease which you can only get via intercourse?

I think the effect of gasping would set in,

air, I can’t get enough air...

followed by anger…

where is my baseball bat???

If I was still single and I wouldn’t have children with my husband, I would pack my bags immediately. Probably I would want to know why, but I couldn’t forgive. To betray me like that. I wouldn’t even argue, I would just leave and I wouldn’t want him back. Ever!

BUT the thing is, I am married. I am a catholic married women. AND I believe in my religion. To say I pack my bags and leave would be me betraying my religion, plus my older children would loose another father and my little children a family life on top.

I couldn’t bare that.

Knowing I have to spend the rest of my life with someone who cheated on me, is not appealing at all. But once you did the commitment and signed the paper, you have to stay and make the best of the worse.

Could I ever forgive? I believe that takes quite some time. But I know I couldn’t forget it.

Would I cheat as well? What goes around comes around was never for me nor will it ever be.

I rather go with:

“One day fate will bite you in the arse!”

Do I worry about whether or not I get a bad phone call from my doc? No, I do not.

But still, religion aside. What would you do, when children are involved? Would you split up, throw a (long) good relationship away? Or would you do it like “in the old times”, repair and pull through it?


My sofa and half marathons are no friends

Last Saturday I was running the Coniston 14 half marathon.

The whole week I was quite lazy on my sofa and I found 3 million excuses to not go for a run, not even a little morning stroll to school.

My ankle was still half open and therefor very sore from a previous run and I wanted it to heal-

as you can tell, another lame excuse.

However. The night before the run, I checked the route description. For some reason I thought a road run around a lake would be flat, but the route description told me otherwise. I should have  known since it was in Cumbria.

“…first 5 miles uphill…” Wonderful… Well, how bad could it be? I will be a bit out of breath for the first 30 minutes and then be fine, or so I thought

Pah, yeah that was a nice dream. The reality was different:

When I started to run, I was out of breath. And at some point, I wondered when these 5 miles finally end, as after that it was said, it would be more even. Fair enough it was even, for maybes 2 miles or so.

After that it was constantly up and down, up and down AND when I spotted the 8 mile sign, I got angry as I was very certain, that I already passed said sign!

On I went. The landscape was really beautiful, unfortunately the other runners seem just to run on their own. No one chatted to each other and when I tried to talk to another lady who was running next to me, she just stared straight ahead. “Don’t then”, I thought.

Near the end all of a sudden was another huge mocking sign which said

“Half Marathon Distance”. They just topped 2 more miles . How cheeky is that?!

During this run, I had to

  • walk the hills
  • tie my shoe again
  • walk to drink and eat (didn’t figure out how to do it at the same time, yet)
  • shake my hands out, as they where so swollen (due to a new drink), my fingers looked like sausages
  • burst a huge blood blister after the run

Now all I have to deal with, is a very hurting toe nail, which high likely will fall off. Well that happens, when you wear no proper shoes.

Things I learned:

  • Try new sport drinks before a big event
  • Run at least one long run with your preferred  running shoes
  • Run at least once or twice before a race
  • Never underestimate a road run


My eggs are laughing at me!

I am in the prime of life. And every month I get reminded by my eggs. With my eggs I mean my ovaries who produce those precious eggs.

Only that I can’t use said eggs anymore! I am a bit of a hippy auntie. When it comes to contraception, I keep it natural.

I don’t want to go into detail, but I know exactly when I am ovulating.

Usually when (back then) still in baby planning, I used to shout my husband home to create wonderful, cute little babies the very second I knew there is an egg on its way!

Thing is, I am not allowed any more babies due to a weak c-section scar (it would split open again before I am due). It is a life threatening condition so husband, frightened as he was, got the snip shortly after Cash was born (despite the fact I wasn’t fine with it!!!).

So month after month, I get the feeling, that my eggs are making fun of me.

It is a bit like

“Hahaha… here I am… on the way in your uterus…you could, but you ca a a aaaan’t, ha ha ha haa haa…”

I mean, where is the point? If you are done… if you have all your desired children… if you are not allowed more children… or even if you don’t want children…. why still having your period, why still ovulating??? Why still getting reminded of what could, but never will be???

I am sorry, mother nature, but we women clearly got the shit end of the stick!

Ts… Rant over… I guess… till next month.


How close is too close?

Recently my husband and me had some sort of a… lets say an angry conversation where I blurted out, that he is a bit too demanding recently.

I love my husband, I really do! I married him. Before him, I never wanted to get married, it wasn’t important and I didn’t feel that I really belonged to someone or wanted to belong.

I don’t know if it has something to do with the way I was brought up, but ever since I was a little girl, I kind of always was on my own and had to solve problems myself eventually.

When I still lived in the same country as my friends, I loved to hang out with them, do things, have a drink every know and then and go clubbing. But I also had days, where I just couldn’t do it, where I just wanted to be on my own, enjoy the peace.

Recently I feel suffocated by my family. When I wake up in the morning for example, I don’t want to talk much. I just want to get everything ready, get the little ones ready. I was never a bubbly morning person though I don’t like to sleep in…

But when you have four children and a husband and everyone wants something from you, everyone seeks your attention, it feels like you see 1000 faces and hear 1000 voices in your head. At least that is how I experience it.

I start to get nervous, it makes breathing difficult and it is like something tries to push me down and though I don’t want to, I can feel myself shutting everyone out.

And when I feel like that and don’t find an outlet quickly, I wonder how close is too close? Do I have to make every wish come true, clap them on the shoulder, approve every little thing? Give compliments all the time?

To me, frankly, it is not that I don’t want to, it is as a matter of fact, just an exhausting thing to do. All I want when it happens, is to run away. I don’t want to listen and I don’t want to see. But when you have a family, you can’t do that. You have to cope, you have to fit in, you have to make it work.

Maybe it is me. Maybe it is my fault for thinking, if I don’t need  those things, my family doesn’t neither.

I was always like that, a bit like the lonely wolf and I am afraid I can’t change it.

Guess it is a good thing my husband and children loves me…. and that it is illegal to tie them with a gag on a chair when they want too many things at a time.


What happened to good music???

When I watch tv in the evening, I have a bit of a ritual just before I go to bed.

I check the time (usually I go to bed before 9pm, I need my beauty sleep, okay?!) and switch to the Sky music channels. Everyone who got Sky tv knows, there are a lot. I just love to listen to a nice song before I join the sheep in the land of dreams.

So I scrolled down, went from channel to channel until I came across

“Greatest love songs ever”, or something along the line. “Wonderful”, I thought, all happy to hear some nice favourite songs.

I clicked on it and on screen came Justin Timberlake’s “Cry me a river”.

No offense Justin, I like some of your songs, probably because some have some really nice grooves, but “Cry me a river”??? Really??? Greatest love song???

Before I clicked on it, I thought about

Etta James “At last”… Joe Cocker’s “You are so beautiful”… or (very cheesy)

Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you”…

You know, songs with finesse, real voices who don’t need additional electronic help to sound good…

When I listen to music, I don’t want to hear f-words, how they get into someones knickers and have sex in detail.

Of course “back then”, 50s…80s… they sang about the same things, but the lyrics where much nicer and somehow hidden…

Maybe I am just old fashioned, older than I actually am… but I think it is a sad thing that nowadays you have to look your best, have the best music video and best special effects to make it… If you have the just mentioned, it doesn’t really matter when your voice actually is a mix of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, BIG SIGH…

Now I share a classic…