Month: January 2016

Just Breath

Just breath

I can’t. My heart is broken, scattered to the four winds.

Just breath

I don’t know how. The sadness inside me is taking me down, drowning me.

Just breath

It is too difficult. My mind is playing tricks. I am spinning in a wheel of madness.

Just breath

I am too exhausted. Too exhausted to find my heart, too exhausted to fight the sadness, too exhausted to sort out the madness.

Just breath…. for me…. just breath


I am walking through a shop and all of a sudden I can hear Marvin Gaye’s “I want you”. This song makes me smile as it brings back sweet memories.

I used to date a man and I wanted him so so bad. I know he wanted me too but refused to get caught in a serious relationship.

One day after work I send him a simple sms:

“Are you available this afternoon?”

“Yes, I will be here!”, was his instant reply.

I got all excited, drove home and got ready for my date.

When I arrived, I rang his bell… the door opened. I took my time walking up to the 3rd floor wearing nothing but my black t-strap high-heels and a cherry red knee length coat with tiger print lining.

Just before I turned around to walk up the last few stairs I opened my coat. I walked slowly with a smile on my lips.

When he has seen me, he gasped “oh shit”.

The second I arrived at his doorstep he grabbed and kissed me. He was so greedy, his needy fingers sliding inside me without hesitation.

“You are so wet… wet for me”, he murmured. A groan was all I could manage while undoing his jeans.

He pushed me inside, shutting the door with his foot he pressed me over to the opposite door. We stood right in the door frame. The kitchen window was open, on the other side of the street workers on a scaffold.

We didn’t mind if they would see us. We where caught in the moment. There was no nice love-making. It was quick, it was hard, it was from behind, me bending forward, feeling him very deep and rough.

As quick as it began it ended. A man and a woman. Breathless and satisfied.

“Thank you”, I smiled, kissed him one last time and went back to my car.

That day I didn’t want sweet, I didn’t want to persuade him, to make him see and admit that his feelings are just the same. I just wanted sex.

On the way back home in my car I turned the radio on.

Marvin Gaye sang “I want you”…

I want you

I want you…. the right way….

I want my heart to skip a beat when I see you and at the same time I want 1000 butterflies rumbling around in my belly.

I want to feel all giddy all day long, because I can still smell you.

I want you… the right way… and I want you to want me, too.

I want you to find me wherever I am.

I want you to sweep me off my feet and I want those feelings to last forever.

I want you to give me this special feeling you only get when you kiss for the first time.

I want you… the right way… and I want you to want me, too…



It is late in the evening as they are walking down the street , side by side, barely touching, to her house.  No jackets are needed as it is still warm. Talking they stop in front of the big entrance. A strong brick wall surrounds the old mansion, the iron gate is shut, behind a small lawn covered in  little white and pink daisies, their petals up to get a good nights sleep.

“This is my home”, she says, stopping. “This is your home? I didn’t know you live in this area. It is a beautiful old house. I always wondered what it looks like from the inside”, he answered. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, he thought to himself.

Her heart starts to beat. It beats fast, her eyes wide, “thank you for the nice evening and walking me home. I better go in”, she says and turns around  to open the gate. Without a word he grabs her wrist, yanking her towards him, looping one arm around her.

“Stop running from me”, he says with his deep smooth voice while looking her in the eyes.

Her hands are on his chest, trying to push him and her feelings away. She doesn’t want feelings. Feelings mean you are vulnerable. Her heart is in pieces and better that way. I can feel his heartbeat under my hands, it feels nice, but it shouldn’t, so many thoughts are in her mind.

The world around them seems to stop. No birds are chirping, the streets empty. Slowly he bends down, focusing on her sweet full lips. After month of trying to get through to her, he kisses her softly. She is not moving, her hands still in defense on his muscular chest. Moving his lips over hers, barely touching she comes alive. Still hesitant she kisses him back.

He doesn’t want to, but he stops. Hovering over her mouth he whispers, “You need to let me in… I want to be with you”. Seconds pass while they look at each other.

She doesn’t say a thing, she just stares.

“I am begging you, kiss me” he says. She breaks. Her hands warm on his chest, she stands on her tip toes and kisses him.  He let go of her hand, grabs the back of her head, pulling her even closer, a kiss so deep it goes all through her body. When he bites her lips she moans softly, her hands wandering over his chest up to his tattooed neck, stroking down his back over his firm manly bottom.

Tensing he picks her up, her legs around his hips he walks over to the brick wall and sits her down, their lips never parting, kissing, teasing, tongues playing with each other.

Her hands in his curly ginger short hair, lost in the moment she is kissing his neck, pressing her body into his, her nipples hard under her soft red tea dress.

“What a tease”, he groans. . .


Save me from my thoughts

It is a beautiful morning. I am running up a big hill. I feel like I am flying. I am feeling free. Easily I make it to the top and there you are . I thought I would never see you again and still.

How did you find me? Why are you here? What do you want? Why, after all this time? Can it really be?

Your smile warms my heart. Still I can’t say a word. I stay frozen to the spot. All I can do is stare. Maybe I didn’t get it, yet. You being here, so far away from home. You don’t talk, just smile. Above our heads endless deep blue sky.

I can’t take it anymore, too overwhelmed, too many feelings, too sore.

Love, hate, disappointment, happiness, gladness, fear, hope.

Moving slowly, I end up in your arms. I still can’t talk,  just want to live in this moment surrounded by warmth.

I breath deeply, almost forgotten was your scent, almost forgotten the feel of your strong arms, we were to be meant.

Silently I look at you, my eyes full of sadness, begging you to set me free, to save me from my thoughts full of madness.

The thoughts will never end, thoughts of sin, of love, of happiness, of despair, of everything which once has been, so I am begging you, I am begging you, set me free and save me from my thoughts and just let me be.

When you don’t want “it”

  1. I am so00 tired

  2. I have headache

  3. I’m on my period

  4. The dog needs to go for a walk

  5. The cat is ill

  6. The water is boiling

  7. “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson looks really good”

  8. Are you sure you lost that much weight?!

  9. Tell me what you are thinking

  10. Last time it wasn’t such a great “performance”

  11. The children can hear us

  12. I am coming down with something

  13. I am too hungry

  14. I am too stressed

  15. Do you really love me?

  16. How much do you love me?

  17. Can the cat stay in the bed?

  18. I am feeling pressured

  19. I have to scrub the toilet first

If above mentioned hints are of non avail:

    20. F…. OFF!!!

Why Do I Deserve…

Why do I deserve to get woken up at 6:20am on a Saturday by Cash???

Why do I deserve that big mouth of my daughter???

Why do I deserve the mess in the morning though when I went to bed it was still tidy???

Why do I deserve the mixed up times by the hairdresser and therefor didn’t get a haircut???

Why do I deserve wet feet while running through fields when it is -2C???

Fate decided to wake you up because you put Cash early to bed!!!

Fate decided your daughter should have a big mouth because it wanted you to see what is it like as you where just the same!!!

Fate decided to leave mess in the mornings to make sure you are not bored!!!

Fate decided to mix the times up to teach you patience!!!

Fate decided to give you wet feet because you need to learn how to pull through!!!


Well fate, thanks for that! Exactly what I need…



When Men Fake IT…

Sometimes when my husband is incredible quick in bed (doesn’t happen often), I wonder for a split second, if he might just have faked it (yes, of course he gets an earful for finishing before me, tut-tut). But on second thought he is way too selfish to fake it, once he finally gets some fun. According to him, it could be more often. A lot more often. But that is a different matter.

However, when I still  get those thoughts it always reminds me of my ex. Oi, not during sex, after it of course.

My ex.… I would never have thought that men would fake it too until it actually happened to my poor soul. It probably was a hint from the universe that I should show him the door, but I just couldn’t get rid of my pink glasses I have been wearing non-stop…

Back to the topic. We where in bed…we had sex…but he wasn’t really there, didn’t put as much effort in as usual and than he started his weird sounding moans of pleasure until he was quiet and rolled over. I mean, how stupid can a man be?!

I thought “okay” went to toilet to shower and get rid of the “evidence” only that there was no “evidence”!

So I asked him straight out and with a bright red face he admitted his crime. According to him, he wasn’t really in the mood. Fair enough.

But why faking it? Let me tell you guys something:

If you are a man and you want to fake it, either you have to use a condom and hide it quickly…. or…. well I don’t know other methods…. just say you don’t want sex! I do that very often with my husband. It is very easy:

“Darling, I am not in the mood and no, nothing can change that!!!”

See, easy!


Out Of Place

Today was an other situation where I felt out of place- again.

When I drove my daughter to a birthday party, I realized that it probably be a better idea just to stay the two hours (she was invited to a laser tack party), as it was a 30 minutes drive. I imagined me chatting with the mother(s) over a cup of tea. “Yes, why not” I thought…

But when we arrived and I introduced myself, I thought “no, no, noooooo, I better go home”. The parents of the birthday girl looked a bit like that:

Nothing wrong with it, no offense. I know, I know, you should never judge a book by its cover and I don’t. The first few seconds or even minutes of a conversation are the most important, the first expression is important. And in my case…. there was nothing.. my mind was blank… no connection… in fact they’ve been so… hm…. how to put it…. ordinary I didn’t even recognize the father when I picked up my daughter. He must have thought of me being rude, but it was really not my intention! REALLY!

They where friendly, don’t get me wrong, but they seemed so different to my friends and me.

When I make friends, we usually have a lot in common and are very alike.

People like the ones on the picture (a bit petty bourgeois, don’t you think?) normally don’t mix with people like me. They rather change the path or hold their handbag tight.

I am pretty heavy tattooed and so are most of my friends. We can be loud and have a big mouth but don’t mean no harm. We are the sort who parties until the staff asks us nicely with a worried face if we are happy to leave now (always makes me giggle). But we are real!

A few weeks ago, I had to attend a Christmas do with my husband and his colleagues and it was the very same. They where polite enough to talk to me, but the signals where very clear:

You are tolerated but we are not really interested.

My sister said, I should sum up with them. They might have friends I really like so I can than ditch the one I don’t like but that is against my nature. I couldn’t do that!

I wonder how you would call that? People hopping? Or just underhandedness???

It is not that I want to strive against the stream. Also I never strive with the stream, I just strive with a slightly different stream, I guess.

Hm. Maybe it is me. Maybe I should swap my Fred Perry Polos and skirts for flowery blouses and pleated pants, go like a good wifey to coffee mornings, get my fake nails done and gossip with my “friends” about the latest trends and who split up from who while we shop around town…

Maybe it is me! Maybe they are not petty bourgeois, it is rather that I am not grown up, yet. Maybe I am just too picky and I should get my head out of the clouds, or I am too cocky?

I go with the last, yeah I am confident enough to say, I love the way I am and stay true to myself. Works perfectly fine!

After all, I met some lovely chatty runners this morning in Swaledale. See, when you do have something in common, it works!


Franky Boy Couldn’t Say It Better!!!

Praise Facebook

Recently I wrote a post about how shallow Facebook has become but today I have to praise said social website!

If it wasn’t for Facebook, I would have forgotten my mothers birthday and than she would have sulked for ages (happened before and no, I didn’t feel bad)!!!

Yes, I totally agree, you should respect your parents (well, at least when they deserve it) but there are more important things in life than birthdays and whether you got plenty of presents, right?


THANK YOU FACEBOOK FOR THE REMINDER, no thanks to my little sister who usually always reminds me in time (outrage)!

And now to more important things….. so where was the reduced waterproof running pants I have seen online….. and even more important, where is hubbies bank card???

Have a great weekend