Month: December 2015

Why I Hid My Pregnancy

When I got pregnant for the very first time, it was a big surprise or more of a shock for my parents, I presume.

Back then I didn’t have the best relationship to my parents, still living at home I stood in front of the fridge, saying to my father

“…by the way, I am pregnant…”

Because my mother didn’t talk to my he must have told her… However I soon moved out and the relationship between us got better….

8 month later I was pregnant again. I was throwing up like a berserk would swing his ax. While my mother looked after my first born, I went to the doctor to confirm my hopes.

At home I told her,  I am pregnant and her first reply was

“You don’t want to keep it, do you?!”

Those two children where, despite my young age, planned and so longingly hoped for. I reckon every women knows the feeling. There are so many different feelings, so many hopes.

Did it work? Am I pregnant? Why am I not pregnant? Why did I get my period- again? Will my baby settle down properly, make himself home in my belly? Will he be healthy? Or will it be a she?

It is such an exciting time. Well at least the first few month. When you can’t wait for your bump to show just to wish at the end for the bump not to get even bigger as you already look like a huge wale with mumps… floating on the surface in a too small ocean!

When I finally found Mr. Right (the children’s birth father did a runner when they where 3 and 1 1/2), it was clear that we wanted two more children though there was a risk that my c-section scar will give me quite some troubles…

So when finally I fell pregnant again, I decided not to tell anyone! I just wanted to keep my mind free of negative thoughts from my family. I mean, which mother would say  “you don’t want to keep it?!” or a father who doesn’t show any signs that he is happy for his daughter?

And because family members knew about the risk another pregnancy would bring, there would have been a lot of gossip behind my back. I just didn’t want that. I wanted peace (at least as much I could get while vomiting for almost 7 month non stop) and be happy, enjoying (somehow) my pregnancy. It is fair to say, that the toilet and Vomex medication where my best friends during that time.

The least I needed where stupid comments like “don’t you think about your other children, what if you die?… what happens if…” and so on.

When you get pregnant you want support, you want reassurance that everything will be alright! You want people to be happy for and with you!

6 weeks before I was due I told my family and friends. My friends where a bit taken aback but happy for me. My sister understood, my mother was peeved, my father didn’t say much as per usual and when I told my grandma the same day they did the c-section  she laughed.

So when I fell pregnant for the last time, I told my mother after 3 month. My words where not even all out of my mouth, I already regretted them. My mothers reply “I wouldn’t have wanted another one…but if it is what you want…” SIGH…

I must say, I don’t regret that I didn’t mention my 3rd pregnancy. I even go so far to say, that I should have listen way earlier to my heart when it said

“Don’t tell, just do what makes you happy, never mind how they will react”

Because if someone loves you, he will understand!


How I met hubby (a fairy tale)

Dear Nato,


this is the story of my hubby and me.

I just can’t deny your request!

I got dumped after a blind date (turned out, this irish bloke I met online and visited wasn’t such a sweetheart after all).

I had quite a rough time, but after a week of wailing, a lot of tears, puffy eyes like Rocky after a long fight, phoning every of my dearest friends with even more tears and snot running, I managed to patch my  huge ego back together!

Though I was still a bit down, I felt quite bored as I was home early from work. I just wanted to talk to some of my online friends and have a laugh so I  logged into my penpal site. (Un)fortunately non of them were online so I browsed a few profiles.

Not because I was looking for a new man, I was totally fed up with the opposite species, I even applied for jobs in Ireland and UK, because I felt I needed a new, a fresh start and for the first time ever, I thought I will do just fine as a single for a looooong time! The little girl inside me had her nose very high in the clouds and felt very conscious!

Than I came across a profile. A  real smiled at me. For some reason he reminded me of Jason Statham.

Bald, strong jaw, green brown eyes (perfect mix as I love brown and green eyes), lips you want to kiss and also some tattoos which definitely  needed some improvement.

So I read his profile and where he was from. It was easy for me to figure out that he was a squaddie, living in Germany and I thought:

“Awwww shit, he is a soldier…. well we all know what they are up to…just fun…nothing serious…..”

Funny that I thought so, because I didn’t want to look for a romance. However, I clicked his profile away…and back on….and away…. around I don’t know how many times.

But in the end, I send him an email, saying hello and responded to something on his profile. A few hours later I got a reply and a day later we chatted online.

He was quite bold, calling me “honey”, “babe” and I thought while grinning, who the hell he thinks he is, calling me his “honey”? But I liked it a lot. I always fell for confident men!

We started chatting on a monday, on wednesday he asked me out and saying it will be interesting to meet me, as he doesn’t know what I look like. Obviously he was so exited that he didn’t see my folder with pictures.

I’ve asked him, what he meant, saying that there are at least 3 folders with pictures of me. And than he checked it, looked them all up, saying I look stunning and that he can’t wait to see me in person.

After wednesday we exchanged mobile numbers and send sms like loved up teenagers. I couldn’t stop grinning and am sure he was just the same.

So friday came and I was really nervous. I went to the station to pick him up. Waiting upstairs by the platform…

Me standing there in my favourite 50s pencil dress with little white dots on it, 50s peep-toes with a tiny heal and a read handbag…

Finally I spotted him, walking upstairs, grinning in shorts and a short sleeved shirt, a rucksack over one shoulder. We hugged and said our “hellos” and it felt just right, there was no awkwardness at all.

Outside on the way to my car he already took my hand and I got all hot… In the car we chatted along and laughed and when we arrived at my place, staying in my living-room he said “sorry but I just have to kiss you” which he did.

That day we went out, had some drinks, laughed a lot and KISSED A LOT. It was the perfect weekend and he said, he will come back next weekend again.

Turned out, he wanted to see me more often than only at weekends.

We got together on a friday 13th August and got married on 13th December the very same year!

He proposed in winter, Hamburg where I lived back then was freezing cold and beautifully covered in snow. I sat on a wooden bench, he went down on his knee and asked “will you marry me?” “YES!.”

I am well known for crazy things I do but this was by far the best thing I ever did. I always listen to my heart rather to my brain!

I just new, he is the one. Maybe it took me a day to realize it, but that is fine. I think the reason why I said yes and really married him in the end was because we are very much alike. Everything I ever searched for in a man he has. Sure he gets on my nerves every know and then with his head full of whims, but nobody is perfect (well, except me of course)…

Once you find the one you don’t ever let go because you know what real love can feel like!





I shouldn’t miss him but I do…

Just now I heard John Waite’s “Missing You” in radio and it always reminds me of once beloved people who are gone for good.

I love this song and it makes me smile and cry at the same time… We all met people in our lives who are not good for us and still we miss them.

It could be the ex partner who cheated and/or lied to us over and over again…

The so called best friend who talked badly behind your back and led you down in your darkest hour…

It could be a close friend who after years of friendship confessed he is in love with you and vanishes because you can’t love him the way he wants you to…

It could be your father or mother who  give you the feeling you are not wanted…

It could be your big brother who hurt you so bad, you just can’t forget the moment your heart broke…

I haven’t spoken to my brother in almost 14 years!

It was a silly argument. He was angry because I have been in his flat, though he has given me his keys in case I need something and he was angry because I didn’t thank a friend of his properly for something she gave me for my babies.

One word led to another… I didn’t say something nasty to him, it would have never ever crossed my mind and than he said what I will never  forget:

“…you are an unappreciative brat who can’t even say “thank you”…”

I had to turn around and walk out of the house so he wouldn’t see my tears, it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Never ever would I have expected him to talk to me like that!

I know it sounds trivial. I could have went back to tell him the way he has spoken to me was inappropriate and that he could have explained it in a calmer way…

But I am stubborn.

I am the little sister!

The little sister who always took care of him!

Who was always there for him when he fell out with friends and family.

Me who drove to him in the middle of the night to talk to him when he phoned me, weeping.

He is my big brother who should take care of me, he should give in and apologize for the way he talked to me…

But he doesn’t and neither will I.

Isn’t it ironic that people who are not good for you are still dearly missed?

Though he led me down so many times in so many ways, I always felt loved by him.

I guess it was because he felt lonely and empty just like me.

How happy would it make me to have him around… Even if it was just for a day… to laugh with him… to hang out with him… even have some drinks…just like old times… like brother and sister supposed to do… forgotten would be the grudge… forgotten the hurt feelings…. just for a moment…

Life is too short, we all know that, but we also know that sometimes it is better to stay away from people who are not good for us.


Mouse & The Soldier Dads

Today when Cash, Mouse and me walked to the chemist in camp, Mouse was squealing and singing very loud. Annoyingly loud! I am ill and have headache….

So I said to her,

“Mouse, if you keep on screaming like that, all the soldier dads will come out with their guns to shoot us in the bum!”

She looked at me with big eyes, asking

“Will they come and shoot us?”

“Yes, in the bum, so you better be very quiet now”, I replied.

The 40 minutes walk back home was a bliss. Pure silence! Whenever I wanted to say something, Mouse looked around and whispered

“Mummie, you need to be quiet or the evil soldier dads with their guns will come!”

Aaaah me, the evil mummie…

Well in the end I explained to her, that there are no evil soldier dads, that the soldier dads are all good dads and here to protect us and her reply was, “like my daddy?” She can be so cute when she wants to…



The alien in my family

When I was a little girl, I often asked my grandma

“…are you sure, I am not adopted?…” The disappointing answer was always “…yes my child…”.

Yesterday I have spoken to my mother on the phone and when she asked what I am up to I told her about my marathon training and she asked how long a marathon is, over 42km I replied. Her answer was a short “aha” followed with a change of topic.

A few month ago when we where shopping, we where talking about… ah I can’t even remember what it was, but I rarely got an answer or response. And I wondered, am I so boring that she doesn’t listen, or am I too intelligent that she doesn’t know what to say, or is it that she just can’t be bothered to show any kind of interest?

When we have been camping at the Hadrian’s Wall, I posted a picture with a beautiful view and my mother said “that looks so lonely… nothing there…” Excuse me but WHAT???!!!

And I get that often around my family and I wonder if it is me? I must be the alien of the family…. the black sheep…. the one who turned out not the way they expected me to be…

When I look at my family and than at me, well… there are not many similarities… not much in common….

I am slim, I love to exercise until it hurts, I read a lot, I write (a lot), I am interested in old architecture, I love opera (note to myself: Don’t ever go with hubby otherwise he will witness me crying like a baby), I like sightseeing, I like being active, I don’t talk about people…. to keep it short:

I am everything my family isn’t. Every now and then, I still think to myself, “who knows, maybe I am adopted and my family managed to cover it perfectly…”

It is good that I am not that close to them, otherwise I would be seriously bothered and it also helps to know, that there are people like me out there who love and understand my ways.

Maybe I am not that alien… just a bit different. Different is good!