Month: December 2015

What happened to us???

Like many women, I am nosy.
So this morning it happened. I was on a former best friends Facebook site.

Yes, I admit it, I like to spy on websites to see what they are up to, not because I wish them any evil, fat wards or anything like that. I am not a jealous person, never have been, never will be.

However. Back to my former best friend.
A family picture of her, her husband and their two little children. All dressed in blue. A picture taken by a photographer.

I never liked “fake” or posed pictures and back then we (her and me) would have laughed about such an petty bourgeois family pic!

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being bourgeois as long you are fine with it.

I just don’t understand what happened to our friendship and why and how we drifted so far away.

We have been friends since kindergarten time, have always been close even when she moved hours away. We talked about everything and always have been there for each other.

But then something changed. Slowly it started that she didn’t reply to phone calls or when I was heartbroken she said things like

“well it is your own fault when you always get involved with the wrong men…”

When you are heartbroken and think you will never ever fall in love again, you want to hear nice things, you want them to lie and say, it is all his fault…

Or when our car broke down she flatly said, “…just lease a new car…” Money was never important to her and she would have never put herself into debt.

And when we finally met (I usually visited her), she actually didn’t have much time, her husband and children always interrupted us.

I mean, when you didn’t see your best friend in a long time, you want to spend time together without any interfering!

There where so many things, too many to list but the biggest led down was when I got pregnant…. unfortunately I miscarried but she was so busy with herself… when she eventually phoned me to ask how the baby is, I told her there is no baby anymore…

If it would have been the other way around, I would have dropped everything and drive straight to her, but the only thing she said was, she is sorry…

Yes, I am sorry too but those are things, I just can’t forget nor forgive. So many things where I have shaken my head in disbelief…

Once you start to think,
I can’t rely on my bestie, I better phone someone else,
where is the point in keeping a friendship alive?!

We all grow up, we make up our minds, but do we all go in so different directions? If it was like that, it would be very sad.

As for me, I fought for our friendship, I really tried, but at some point I got very tired and eventually gave up. Giving up is not in my nature, but I was given no other choice, sadly.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, but I do hope and believe that somewhere out there is a genuine woman who wants and will be my bestie till the end of time!


Past Life


Yesterday when I lay in bed late (I couldn’t put Pepper Winter’s book away) a thought crossed my mind:

What happens after we die? Will we be really reborn like the bible says? Is there such thing as a past life?

Often we hear of transmigration, of past life therapies where you are in trance and go back in life and I always wonder if it is true what those people/patients “see” and “relive”?

Reincarnation….what if it really exists? Whould you be happy to be reborn, happy to join this earth again?

Every time I heard that during mass, I got goosebumps and I just couldn’t imagine me coming back. To me, for many years, life was nothing but pain, a struggle, a led down in many different facets and I felt hurt. Wherever I lived, wherever I traveled, I never felt truly happy or home. Don’t get me wrong, I also had a lot of fun but when everything was quiet around me I felt nothing but emptiness.

And if God would have given me the option, I would have said “no”to reincarnation.

The funny thing on the other hand is, that I often have flashbacks, often I think, I dreamed this before it would happen. And that is a crazy thing, is it not? To say, I knew it would happen because I have seen it in my dreams, is kind of weird!

Another thing is the UK thing. If there is a past life, I am very certain I must have lived in the UK. Ever since I can remember I was fascinated by the British. I watched British children shows and read my brothers school books though I didn’t understand a word and later in school I would write all words in English class (both, German and English) correct but not in German class.

And when I visited England for the first time it finally felt right. It was as someone switched a button, but back home I was my old not so happy self…….

I found true love eventually and if God would ask me now:

Would you like to relive everything again…maybe a bit different…and walk the rocky path to find your true love, would you do it?  Would you want me to send you back?

The answer would be “yes”.

Sure there are periods in life which are hard, we struggle, we wonder when it will get better, we worry about how to pay the bills, how to get food on the table, how to raise our children, where we will end up in life, where love is, and sometimes we think we are dogged by bad luck which seems to be stuck with us forever…. but  there is always light at the end of the tunnel and who knows, maybe at the end of this tunnel is an after life……..



I am too lost in you

I am too lost in you

Your voice whispers over my skin like little butterflies

Hot breath  makes me want more

Kiss me, hold me, thrill me

I am too lost in you

Craving  your touch I am waiting

Come home

Need me

Show me what it is like to be loved

I am too lost in you

My thoughts are with you in the cold night

Stars are shining upon the endless sky

Shouting your name

Teasing me

I am too lost in you

You trail kisses all over my body

Yearning and aching

Still warm

The lovely scent all over me

I am too lost in you

Slow awakening

Do not want to open my eyes

It was all in my head

My heart is calling for you

I am too lost in you





Darling, I am ill AND…

…no, I can’t put up with our teenage-daughter and her attitude. We all know she is a lazy cow, takes us for granted and taking instead of the little finger the whole arm!!!

…no, I can’t show you where the specific food you asked for is! It is in the food cupboard along with his food buddies… Just open your eyes, you are wearing glasses after all!

…no, I can’t cook, I can’t be bothered, my head is hurting. You will be able to fix something without getting food poisoning!

…no, I can’t tidy up and I am well aware that the house is a tip, covered in snotty tissues, welcoming a germ-party!

…no, I can’t and don’t want to do a single thing until I am recovered. All I want to do is to lie around… on the sofa or in my bed, coughing my lungs out, making a mess with  big white fluffy clouds of tissues!

But thank you for tidying up. Look, you did such a good job, maybe you could keep that up for rest of our days? That would be greatly and well appreciated!



Joining the dying swans…

Two days ago, my two little babies and husband fell ill. They all have the flu and husband is, as per usual, the worst of them!

Every time he falls ill, he complains and wails that no one is taking care of him, that when I am ill, he is all over me, fulfilling all my wishes, but when he is ill, no one gives a sh.t (his words)!

His wailing list goes on and on. . .

I on the other hand think, if he can still sit on the computer, he can’t be that ill!!!

As for my little babies, the have all the right in the world to whine, they are still little and don’t know better.

BUT what I can’t forgive is:

  • That they coughed with great delight in my face while sleeping.
  • That they also coughed with great delight in, around and near my food, looking like little elves with long ears and pointy sharp teeth.
  • That one child sneaked in my bed to rest, wiping her nose all over my cushion.

They are spreading their germs all over the place, having a great party knowing that once mummy is ill, she can spend a lot of time at home with them.

Of course they don’t care, that mummy has a strict schedule regarding her marathon training and the last thing she needs is to lay ill on the sofa!

I bet they did that on PURPOSE!!! They must have planned it!

I should have known that something is coming for me when I was out for a run yesterday. My legs felt really heavy, like elephant legs glued to the floor and my breathing was difficult. I think I stopped at least 4 times. I thought it was because of the longer run the day before and that I just needed a rest day.

Turned out this morning I am wrong. I AM NOT IMPRESSED!!!

So I will join my dying swans now…with a lot of tablets, which I acquired first thing in the morning after driving the two older babies to school, went shopping, did the laundry, made breakfast for oh-so-ill husband and cooked lunch!!!

Okay and lastly:

To hubbies defense: He did the shopping yesterday (I handed him a long list, evil me) and he offered to drive the babies to school today, so he isn’t that bad after all…


Why not keeping Christmas simple?!

Though I am not in Christmas mood (the spirit must have forgotten me and just past by, maybe I should work on my appearance), my Christmas shopping normally starts around November!

I am like the bunny from Alice In Wonderland, being busy, running like the devil itself is behind me, hunting for gifts for my beloved… AND

because I think, if I get the shopping done early, my husband can’t get any because we already have what we need!

Silly me thinks that every year and every year I am wrong! Every year we start to argue about how many gifts our brute should get. Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing wrong with spoiling your children, but I personally think it is easy to over-do it.

It is not that I want to be tight (well, maybe a bit plus I am not Rockefeller nor does the money grow out of my pocket, sadly), I just think 2 or a maximum of 3 gifts  each should be more than enough, especially when they also asked for them (that is a double +)!

When I told my older children, that they wouldn’t get more than 2 (because they already got mountain bikes), Dana complained instantly! See, and that is my point! The more they get, the more they want and expect.

Hubby on the other site wants to spoil them and every year comes with the ridicules comment, that all British children get a whole lot of gifts for presents and that they compare in school how much each got and that they would make fun of Dean and Dana if they wouldn’t get more!

I never heard such nonsense!

So every year we argue. He has his point, I have mine. I am always very content and happy with my already wrapped goodies stacked away and he destroys all my effort by sitting on his computer clicking through the web, buying lots of additional things, all happy with big eyes. If he was a dog, he would wag his tail now!!!

After all Christmas is about family, spending time together, thinking about the past year, thinking about what the next will bring


I am panting here, and my veins are sticking out…  but they will disappear soon and hide until next year this time!


Why I Hid My Pregnancy

When I got pregnant for the very first time, it was a big surprise or more of a shock for my parents, I presume.

Back then I didn’t have the best relationship to my parents, still living at home I stood in front of the fridge, saying to my father

“…by the way, I am pregnant…”

Because my mother didn’t talk to my he must have told her… However I soon moved out and the relationship between us got better….

8 month later I was pregnant again. I was throwing up like a berserk would swing his ax. While my mother looked after my first born, I went to the doctor to confirm my hopes.

At home I told her,  I am pregnant and her first reply was

“You don’t want to keep it, do you?!”

Those two children where, despite my young age, planned and so longingly hoped for. I reckon every women knows the feeling. There are so many different feelings, so many hopes.

Did it work? Am I pregnant? Why am I not pregnant? Why did I get my period- again? Will my baby settle down properly, make himself home in my belly? Will he be healthy? Or will it be a she?

It is such an exciting time. Well at least the first few month. When you can’t wait for your bump to show just to wish at the end for the bump not to get even bigger as you already look like a huge wale with mumps… floating on the surface in a too small ocean!

When I finally found Mr. Right (the children’s birth father did a runner when they where 3 and 1 1/2), it was clear that we wanted two more children though there was a risk that my c-section scar will give me quite some troubles…

So when finally I fell pregnant again, I decided not to tell anyone! I just wanted to keep my mind free of negative thoughts from my family. I mean, which mother would say  “you don’t want to keep it?!” or a father who doesn’t show any signs that he is happy for his daughter?

And because family members knew about the risk another pregnancy would bring, there would have been a lot of gossip behind my back. I just didn’t want that. I wanted peace (at least as much I could get while vomiting for almost 7 month non stop) and be happy, enjoying (somehow) my pregnancy. It is fair to say, that the toilet and Vomex medication where my best friends during that time.

The least I needed where stupid comments like “don’t you think about your other children, what if you die?… what happens if…” and so on.

When you get pregnant you want support, you want reassurance that everything will be alright! You want people to be happy for and with you!

6 weeks before I was due I told my family and friends. My friends where a bit taken aback but happy for me. My sister understood, my mother was peeved, my father didn’t say much as per usual and when I told my grandma the same day they did the c-section  she laughed.

So when I fell pregnant for the last time, I told my mother after 3 month. My words where not even all out of my mouth, I already regretted them. My mothers reply “I wouldn’t have wanted another one…but if it is what you want…” SIGH…

I must say, I don’t regret that I didn’t mention my 3rd pregnancy. I even go so far to say, that I should have listen way earlier to my heart when it said

“Don’t tell, just do what makes you happy, never mind how they will react”

Because if someone loves you, he will understand!


How I met hubby (a fairy tale)

Dear Nato,


this is the story of my hubby and me.

I just can’t deny your request!

I got dumped after a blind date (turned out, this irish bloke I met online and visited wasn’t such a sweetheart after all).

I had quite a rough time, but after a week of wailing, a lot of tears, puffy eyes like Rocky after a long fight, phoning every of my dearest friends with even more tears and snot running, I managed to patch my  huge ego back together!

Though I was still a bit down, I felt quite bored as I was home early from work. I just wanted to talk to some of my online friends and have a laugh so I  logged into my penpal site. (Un)fortunately non of them were online so I browsed a few profiles.

Not because I was looking for a new man, I was totally fed up with the opposite species, I even applied for jobs in Ireland and UK, because I felt I needed a new, a fresh start and for the first time ever, I thought I will do just fine as a single for a looooong time! The little girl inside me had her nose very high in the clouds and felt very conscious!

Than I came across a profile. A  real smiled at me. For some reason he reminded me of Jason Statham.

Bald, strong jaw, green brown eyes (perfect mix as I love brown and green eyes), lips you want to kiss and also some tattoos which definitely  needed some improvement.

So I read his profile and where he was from. It was easy for me to figure out that he was a squaddie, living in Germany and I thought:

“Awwww shit, he is a soldier…. well we all know what they are up to…just fun…nothing serious…..”

Funny that I thought so, because I didn’t want to look for a romance. However, I clicked his profile away…and back on….and away…. around I don’t know how many times.

But in the end, I send him an email, saying hello and responded to something on his profile. A few hours later I got a reply and a day later we chatted online.

He was quite bold, calling me “honey”, “babe” and I thought while grinning, who the hell he thinks he is, calling me his “honey”? But I liked it a lot. I always fell for confident men!

We started chatting on a monday, on wednesday he asked me out and saying it will be interesting to meet me, as he doesn’t know what I look like. Obviously he was so exited that he didn’t see my folder with pictures.

I’ve asked him, what he meant, saying that there are at least 3 folders with pictures of me. And than he checked it, looked them all up, saying I look stunning and that he can’t wait to see me in person.

After wednesday we exchanged mobile numbers and send sms like loved up teenagers. I couldn’t stop grinning and am sure he was just the same.

So friday came and I was really nervous. I went to the station to pick him up. Waiting upstairs by the platform…

Me standing there in my favourite 50s pencil dress with little white dots on it, 50s peep-toes with a tiny heal and a read handbag…

Finally I spotted him, walking upstairs, grinning in shorts and a short sleeved shirt, a rucksack over one shoulder. We hugged and said our “hellos” and it felt just right, there was no awkwardness at all.

Outside on the way to my car he already took my hand and I got all hot… In the car we chatted along and laughed and when we arrived at my place, staying in my living-room he said “sorry but I just have to kiss you” which he did.

That day we went out, had some drinks, laughed a lot and KISSED A LOT. It was the perfect weekend and he said, he will come back next weekend again.

Turned out, he wanted to see me more often than only at weekends.

We got together on a friday 13th August and got married on 13th December the very same year!

He proposed in winter, Hamburg where I lived back then was freezing cold and beautifully covered in snow. I sat on a wooden bench, he went down on his knee and asked “will you marry me?” “YES!.”

I am well known for crazy things I do but this was by far the best thing I ever did. I always listen to my heart rather to my brain!

I just new, he is the one. Maybe it took me a day to realize it, but that is fine. I think the reason why I said yes and really married him in the end was because we are very much alike. Everything I ever searched for in a man he has. Sure he gets on my nerves every know and then with his head full of whims, but nobody is perfect (well, except me of course)…

Once you find the one you don’t ever let go because you know what real love can feel like!





I shouldn’t miss him but I do…

Just now I heard John Waite’s “Missing You” in radio and it always reminds me of once beloved people who are gone for good.

I love this song and it makes me smile and cry at the same time… We all met people in our lives who are not good for us and still we miss them.

It could be the ex partner who cheated and/or lied to us over and over again…

The so called best friend who talked badly behind your back and led you down in your darkest hour…

It could be a close friend who after years of friendship confessed he is in love with you and vanishes because you can’t love him the way he wants you to…

It could be your father or mother who  give you the feeling you are not wanted…

It could be your big brother who hurt you so bad, you just can’t forget the moment your heart broke…

I haven’t spoken to my brother in almost 14 years!

It was a silly argument. He was angry because I have been in his flat, though he has given me his keys in case I need something and he was angry because I didn’t thank a friend of his properly for something she gave me for my babies.

One word led to another… I didn’t say something nasty to him, it would have never ever crossed my mind and than he said what I will never  forget:

“…you are an unappreciative brat who can’t even say “thank you”…”

I had to turn around and walk out of the house so he wouldn’t see my tears, it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Never ever would I have expected him to talk to me like that!

I know it sounds trivial. I could have went back to tell him the way he has spoken to me was inappropriate and that he could have explained it in a calmer way…

But I am stubborn.

I am the little sister!

The little sister who always took care of him!

Who was always there for him when he fell out with friends and family.

Me who drove to him in the middle of the night to talk to him when he phoned me, weeping.

He is my big brother who should take care of me, he should give in and apologize for the way he talked to me…

But he doesn’t and neither will I.

Isn’t it ironic that people who are not good for you are still dearly missed?

Though he led me down so many times in so many ways, I always felt loved by him.

I guess it was because he felt lonely and empty just like me.

How happy would it make me to have him around… Even if it was just for a day… to laugh with him… to hang out with him… even have some drinks…just like old times… like brother and sister supposed to do… forgotten would be the grudge… forgotten the hurt feelings…. just for a moment…

Life is too short, we all know that, but we also know that sometimes it is better to stay away from people who are not good for us.