Month: December 2015

What happened to us???

Like many women, I am nosy.
So this morning it happened. I was on a former best friends Facebook site.

Yes, I admit it, I like to spy on websites to see what they are up to, not because I wish them any evil, fat wards or anything like that. I am not a jealous person, never have been, never will be.

However. Back to my former best friend.
A family picture of her, her husband and their two little children. All dressed in blue. A picture taken by a photographer.

I never liked “fake” or posed pictures and back then we (her and me) would have laughed about such an petty bourgeois family pic!

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being bourgeois as long you are fine with it.

I just don’t understand what happened to our friendship and why and how we drifted so far away.

We have been friends since kindergarten time, have always been close even when she moved hours away. We talked about everything and always have been there for each other.

But then something changed. Slowly it started that she didn’t reply to phone calls or when I was heartbroken she said things like

“well it is your own fault when you always get involved with the wrong men…”

When you are heartbroken and think you will never ever fall in love again, you want to hear nice things, you want them to lie and say, it is all his fault…

Or when our car broke down she flatly said, “…just lease a new car…” Money was never important to her and she would have never put herself into debt.

And when we finally met (I usually visited her), she actually didn’t have much time, her husband and children always interrupted us.

I mean, when you didn’t see your best friend in a long time, you want to spend time together without any interfering!

There where so many things, too many to list but the biggest led down was when I got pregnant…. unfortunately I miscarried but she was so busy with herself… when she eventually phoned me to ask how the baby is, I told her there is no baby anymore…

If it would have been the other way around, I would have dropped everything and drive straight to her, but the only thing she said was, she is sorry…

Yes, I am sorry too but those are things, I just can’t forget nor forgive. So many things where I have shaken my head in disbelief…

Once you start to think,
I can’t rely on my bestie, I better phone someone else,
where is the point in keeping a friendship alive?!

We all grow up, we make up our minds, but do we all go in so different directions? If it was like that, it would be very sad.

As for me, I fought for our friendship, I really tried, but at some point I got very tired and eventually gave up. Giving up is not in my nature, but I was given no other choice, sadly.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, but I do hope and believe that somewhere out there is a genuine woman who wants and will be my bestie till the end of time!


Past Life


Yesterday when I lay in bed late (I couldn’t put Pepper Winter’s book away) a thought crossed my mind:

What happens after we die? Will we be really reborn like the bible says? Is there such thing as a past life?

Often we hear of transmigration, of past life therapies where you are in trance and go back in life and I always wonder if it is true what those people/patients “see” and “relive”?

Reincarnation….what if it really exists? Whould you be happy to be reborn, happy to join this earth again?

Every time I heard that during mass, I got goosebumps and I just couldn’t imagine me coming back. To me, for many years, life was nothing but pain, a struggle, a led down in many different facets and I felt hurt. Wherever I lived, wherever I traveled, I never felt truly happy or home. Don’t get me wrong, I also had a lot of fun but when everything was quiet around me I felt nothing but emptiness.

And if God would have given me the option, I would have said “no”to reincarnation.

The funny thing on the other hand is, that I often have flashbacks, often I think, I dreamed this before it would happen. And that is a crazy thing, is it not? To say, I knew it would happen because I have seen it in my dreams, is kind of weird!

Another thing is the UK thing. If there is a past life, I am very certain I must have lived in the UK. Ever since I can remember I was fascinated by the British. I watched British children shows and read my brothers school books though I didn’t understand a word and later in school I would write all words in English class (both, German and English) correct but not in German class.

And when I visited England for the first time it finally felt right. It was as someone switched a button, but back home I was my old not so happy self…….

I found true love eventually and if God would ask me now:

Would you like to relive everything again…maybe a bit different…and walk the rocky path to find your true love, would you do it?  Would you want me to send you back?

The answer would be “yes”.

Sure there are periods in life which are hard, we struggle, we wonder when it will get better, we worry about how to pay the bills, how to get food on the table, how to raise our children, where we will end up in life, where love is, and sometimes we think we are dogged by bad luck which seems to be stuck with us forever…. but  there is always light at the end of the tunnel and who knows, maybe at the end of this tunnel is an after life……..



I am too lost in you

I am too lost in you

Your voice whispers over my skin like little butterflies

Hot breath  makes me want more

Kiss me, hold me, thrill me

I am too lost in you

Craving  your touch I am waiting

Come home

Need me

Show me what it is like to be loved

I am too lost in you

My thoughts are with you in the cold night

Stars are shining upon the endless sky

Shouting your name

Teasing me

I am too lost in you

You trail kisses all over my body

Yearning and aching

Still warm

The lovely scent all over me

I am too lost in you

Slow awakening

Do not want to open my eyes

It was all in my head

My heart is calling for you

I am too lost in you





Darling, I am ill AND…

…no, I can’t put up with our teenage-daughter and her attitude. We all know she is a lazy cow, takes us for granted and taking instead of the little finger the whole arm!!!

…no, I can’t show you where the specific food you asked for is! It is in the food cupboard along with his food buddies… Just open your eyes, you are wearing glasses after all!

…no, I can’t cook, I can’t be bothered, my head is hurting. You will be able to fix something without getting food poisoning!

…no, I can’t tidy up and I am well aware that the house is a tip, covered in snotty tissues, welcoming a germ-party!

…no, I can’t and don’t want to do a single thing until I am recovered. All I want to do is to lie around… on the sofa or in my bed, coughing my lungs out, making a mess with  big white fluffy clouds of tissues!

But thank you for tidying up. Look, you did such a good job, maybe you could keep that up for rest of our days? That would be greatly and well appreciated!



Joining the dying swans…

Two days ago, my two little babies and husband fell ill. They all have the flu and husband is, as per usual, the worst of them!

Every time he falls ill, he complains and wails that no one is taking care of him, that when I am ill, he is all over me, fulfilling all my wishes, but when he is ill, no one gives a sh.t (his words)!

His wailing list goes on and on. . .

I on the other hand think, if he can still sit on the computer, he can’t be that ill!!!

As for my little babies, the have all the right in the world to whine, they are still little and don’t know better.

BUT what I can’t forgive is:

  • That they coughed with great delight in my face while sleeping.
  • That they also coughed with great delight in, around and near my food, looking like little elves with long ears and pointy sharp teeth.
  • That one child sneaked in my bed to rest, wiping her nose all over my cushion.

They are spreading their germs all over the place, having a great party knowing that once mummy is ill, she can spend a lot of time at home with them.

Of course they don’t care, that mummy has a strict schedule regarding her marathon training and the last thing she needs is to lay ill on the sofa!

I bet they did that on PURPOSE!!! They must have planned it!

I should have known that something is coming for me when I was out for a run yesterday. My legs felt really heavy, like elephant legs glued to the floor and my breathing was difficult. I think I stopped at least 4 times. I thought it was because of the longer run the day before and that I just needed a rest day.

Turned out this morning I am wrong. I AM NOT IMPRESSED!!!

So I will join my dying swans now…with a lot of tablets, which I acquired first thing in the morning after driving the two older babies to school, went shopping, did the laundry, made breakfast for oh-so-ill husband and cooked lunch!!!

Okay and lastly:

To hubbies defense: He did the shopping yesterday (I handed him a long list, evil me) and he offered to drive the babies to school today, so he isn’t that bad after all…


Why not keeping Christmas simple?!

Though I am not in Christmas mood (the spirit must have forgotten me and just past by, maybe I should work on my appearance), my Christmas shopping normally starts around November!

I am like the bunny from Alice In Wonderland, being busy, running like the devil itself is behind me, hunting for gifts for my beloved… AND

because I think, if I get the shopping done early, my husband can’t get any because we already have what we need!

Silly me thinks that every year and every year I am wrong! Every year we start to argue about how many gifts our brute should get. Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing wrong with spoiling your children, but I personally think it is easy to over-do it.

It is not that I want to be tight (well, maybe a bit plus I am not Rockefeller nor does the money grow out of my pocket, sadly), I just think 2 or a maximum of 3 gifts  each should be more than enough, especially when they also asked for them (that is a double +)!

When I told my older children, that they wouldn’t get more than 2 (because they already got mountain bikes), Dana complained instantly! See, and that is my point! The more they get, the more they want and expect.

Hubby on the other site wants to spoil them and every year comes with the ridicules comment, that all British children get a whole lot of gifts for presents and that they compare in school how much each got and that they would make fun of Dean and Dana if they wouldn’t get more!

I never heard such nonsense!

So every year we argue. He has his point, I have mine. I am always very content and happy with my already wrapped goodies stacked away and he destroys all my effort by sitting on his computer clicking through the web, buying lots of additional things, all happy with big eyes. If he was a dog, he would wag his tail now!!!

After all Christmas is about family, spending time together, thinking about the past year, thinking about what the next will bring


I am panting here, and my veins are sticking out…  but they will disappear soon and hide until next year this time!