Month: November 2015

Personal Desire

Did you ever put your personal desires aside because of more important priorities or because you want to protect someone?

My personal desire is to keep my children away from their “birth-father”!

I call him birth-father because in my opinion he doesn’t deserve the title “father”.

Even when we still lived in the same country, he neglected my two babies. Often he send me a sms in the very last second, calling the weekend with them off. All in all he has seen Dean and Dana 3 til 4 times per year since we split up when they where 3 and 1 1/2 years old. He never calls or send emails either…

He only started paying child support for almost two years now and I had to beg for every single penny. He doesn’t even pay the full amount, never mind the amount from the years he still owes me!

When I was still single, he abused me mentally, threatened me  with the court to take the children away from me, because I was working full time to get food on the table and warm clothes on my children.

When I got married and was about to move away, he threatened me again with the court (though he wouldn’t have stand a chance)… one weekend, he just send me a sms, that he doesn’t bring the children back (which he eventually did, after I said I will send the MP)…

Mental abuse can be as painful as physical abuse and it is only a matter of time, until he finds something new, like telling Dana, that soon she could decide on her own where she wants to live (she wants to stay with us, not with him but he claims, it is us pressuring her)…

He never stops… he is like a broken record, going over and over again… talking about the same things…

And the worse part, he involved the children into our rowing! What for a kind of person does that? My son was crushed! My daughter was rattled!

I always kept my children away from harm, always protected them, never told them when he called a weekend off again, never said a wrong word about him in front of them.

I wanted them to make up their own mind, I didn’t want them to have an unhappy childhood and because I don’t want them to blame me for keeping them away from their “father”, I let them decide whether they want to meet him or not, despite the fact, that I shed too many tears already and feel pressured and can’t wait until the day they turn 18 and I don’t ever need to talk to him ever again.

So yes, my personal desire would be to keep my children away from their “birth-father”, but I can’t do that…

What is your personal desire???



New Year’s Resolutions

Normally I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions. I never did. Maybe it was because I was just with my life the way it was… or maybe it was the people around me who set (too high) goals and failed?

But yesterday I decided, I will run my very own marathon on the coast to coast walk from my place to Richmond to Reeth and back on

1 January 2016

if the weather doesn’t play up. I can live with snow and drizzle but heavy rain is another matter and no fun to run through.

Funny thing is, while I sit here, listening to Frank Sinatra, am still blowing my nose as this cold decided to continue their party.

I tell you what “Mr Cold”, …-off!!! You will not get the better of me,


The past week I was able to run every morning at around 6 and even doubled my km! From now on  I will double my km every weekend to get used to it until I reach the 40km mark!

Too bad only, that I am not used to this area yet and I badly lack of coordination. On the other hand, that is a way of putting more km on your feet as well!

What are your new year’s resolutions?


If my daughter would listen…

…. I would tell her that the reason why I don’t allow her to eat whenever and whatever she wants is, because I care about her. It is because I don’t want her do end up overweight and get health issues…

If my daughter would listen I would tell her, that she should put as much effort in school as possible and even a tat more! It is because I want her to have the opportunity to choose from different positions and not take what ever the job market offers, living from one day to the other and not to pinch and scrape!

If my daughter would listen, I would tell her that she should help more often at home, because it prepares her having her own household sorted one day and that it is not a punishment!

If my daughter would listen, I would tell her to join us when we go somewhere as she is part of the family as well and that family and childhood time is precious!

If my daughter would listen, I would tell her the reason for her not wearing make up and wearing high heels is, because she should enjoy her childhood as long as it lasts!

If my daughter would listen, I would tell her the reason why she isn’t allowed a boyfriend is, because she is too young to distinguish real love from a crush and that she should wait as long as possible to prevent heartache.

If my daughter would listen, I would tell her that all my actions are because I love her.

If my daughter would listen, I would tell her that I care, that I don’t want her to be an uneducated, penny pinching girl with a big mouth, without respect and manners, and probably pregnant before she even moved out!

One day my daughter will remember everything I ever said, and hopefully thinks

“Good that my mummie taught me so much and that  eventually I’ve listened…”


Real Neat Blog Award

Actually I only wanted to log in for the “Black Friday Sale” on (soooo angry, 15 minutes earlier and I would have gotten a real bargain, a head torch for 29,-£ normally sold for 80,-£ already sold out) and have seen that I am nominated by

Wandering Soul

Thank you so much!

The Rules:

  • Thank and link the blogger who nominated you.
  • Answer the seven questions the person who nominated you provided.
  • Nominate seven other bloggers.
  • Create seven new questions for the people you nominate
  • Display the logo somewhere on your blog – only if you want to. It’s an award! (Found that rule on the creator’s original post)



She had asked me the following questions:

  • Which is your favourite movie and movie character?
  • Favourite movie…. hmmmm….good question… let me think…. I answered all questions and am still thinking about this one. I think, I don’t even have a favourite movie or character. Though I love fillums with Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Julie Andrews, Judie Dench, Maggie Smith, Emily Blunt….  Those are actresses with strong personalities (at least it seems so to me) and that’s why I like them!

  • What is your favourite book and the one lesson you learned from it?
  • I have many favourite books but there is one in particular which would be the “Ma…” Series by Martha Long. It taught me, it doesn’t matter how tough life might be, you will survive it!

  • If you could say one thing to one person – living or dead, what would that be?
  • I would tell my big brother whom I didn’t speak in over 10 years, that he should have taken care about me!

  • What would be that one piece of advice you would like to give a new blogger?
  • Creativity is all around you, just open your eyes!

  • What is your biggest fear?
  • To die before it is my time.

My Nominees:

There stories are always funny and also inspirational. And because I have enough drama and hectic in my own life, it is good to laugh about others (in a nice way of course) stories and now, you are not alone!

Questions for the nominees:

  1. Do you think black or white or in between?
  2. If you could go back in time, which person would you like to meet?
  3. If you could, what would you change on this planet?
  4. Are you going with the latest trends or do you have your own style?
  5. Would you tell your friend, if he/she looks ridiculous (clothes…makeup)?
  6. Do you like to socialize or rather be on your own?
  7. Do you have goals?





Caked Faces

The first time when I was in Newcastle, I was shocked to see so many young girls and women with a ton of make up on their faces! Followed by a secret laugh (of course I couldn’t laugh out lout because I didn’t want to crush their confidence) and the thought

“wow, they actually look like proper drag queens… maybe they escaped the Reeperbahn.”

Tons of foundation, powder, false eyelashes, eye shadow, glossy lips, hair like “The Nanny”. . .

If you would accentuate only the eyes for example, it would be okay… but all together?! Hmmmm…. I thought the natural look is the new black!!!

Of course when you are young it is all about looks, you want to find your own style. I was just the same!

Back then my mother suggested, I should get some foundation and/or powder to cover my spots and I ask you which teenager wouldn’t cover them? So I did. But my skin was so oily, that after two hours the whole lot swam away… needless to say, that I didn’t look fresh and spotless at all!

There is one mother in Cailleachs school, who is really pretty, but the tons of foundation and powder make her skin look dull. Of course I can’t tell her, as I don’t know her. But I know my sister! I told her a couple of month ago, that her skin looks much better without powder & Co. Fresher. Even her boyfriend agreed. So she cut out some of beauty products. Good Girl!

My friend Joana for example, she “over paints” her eyebrows because they are quite fair, which is okay, but she also goes to bed like that when she is in a relationship. No man has seen her without “her eyebrows” which makes me giggle every time I think about it!

As for me, I stick to a simple routine due to my dry skin conditions now (guess I am getting older).

A nice oil cleansing with a hot cloth, followed with a self mixed oil base and eye cream, a bit mascara and a light coloured lip balm. Sometimes a bit liquid blush for rosy cheeks.

Apart from the foundation fiasco when I was a teenager, I always stuck to the “natural look”.

Every time when I see such drag queens (or maybe they want to look like Jordan???) I wonder:

When they date someone, do they remove their “fake face” and if so, will they still get recognized by their man???

Well let’s hope they still look good without make up and that no one jumps out of bed screaming who the stranger is in his bed!

Have a great weekend everyone!



Do we repeat our parents mistakes?

Early this morning, even before school begun, my older daughter Dana thought it is a good idea too make mummie angry! Again.

Today’s reason: She secretly put money on her lunch account and we wondered where she got it from. She claimed, from her money box. But me and her dad are sure, she didn’t have 10£ left, as she is way too greedy and likes to spend her money on sweets!

Now you would think, where is the problem, it is for her lunch account after all.

The thing is, she gets a big packed lunch with her which she eats in school on top and she eats a lot of crap including wheat/gluten products which she is not permitted to put anywhere near her body!

Your second question probably is, why no wheat/gluten? Surely she will not throw herself on a floor like a poisoned squirrel, shaking, waiting for the silent death. No, probably not. BUT we are a wheat free household. I developed gluten, lactose and soy intolerance and after I educated myself further what wheat or gluten does to your body, no one gets it.

The thing is, allergies run in our family and there is a chance that Dana could develop some too. Her little sister Cailleach gets horrible eczema outbreaks when she eats some with gluten in it (I wonder why I breastfed her for 11 month, thought breastfeeding prevents allergies?!?)

There is a German saw my grandma used to say in low german:

Was der Esel nicht kennt, das frisst er nicht!  What the donkey doesn’t know he doesn’t eat!

If she doesn’t know how it tastes, she will not miss it in case she develops those allergies (what would I give for a white Twixx, sadly I had to end our wonderful relationship due to intolerance, but no hard feelings here).

I am full of good intentions, but try to make a teenager understand! Sometimes I wish I was deaf, so I can’t hear her ever lasting last words! She doesn’t even know when it is enough or better to keep the mouth shut.

So I looked at her this morning and thought, she will make the same mistakes I did and my mother before me and her mother before her.

Like getting involved with the wrong people, getting pregnant from the wrong man (I don’t wish the death on Dean and Dana’s father, that would be a bit harsh, but it would be nice, if a bus could hit him by accident… and maybes reverse to do it again…), spending money on things no one needs and so on.

But there are always two sites of a story. You can see the glass half full or half empty.

Mine is half full. So when someones asks me about past mistakes I just say, “no mistakes, just a bit rocky”. After all, not so smooth life dramas help you to grow and learn.

Next time, when my daughter angers the you-know-what out of me and I feel my anger veins pumping furiously, I hope I can remember that her life at the moment is just a bit rocky (let’s hope I am also a bit deaf and blind).



The cruel world of mine ( but on second thought…)

Sometimes we all want to wallow in self-pity. We want to mourn. Everything and everyone is mean to us, we could do so much better…

Every now and then I like to be Bridget Jones. Well actually I feel like Bridget Jones.

Surely you know the scene when she is in that Thai prison, crying over her beloved Mark Darcy who is oh so mean to her. The other women ask her what is wrong and she says, he is so mean… The other inmates are telling her their stories of their (really not nice) boyfriends and than she realizes all red faced, that actually she is not doing too bad.

I feel like that when I turn the TV or the radio on.

Where ever you look, death is greeting you! Babies beheaded, children shot in the head, family members left to suffer, killing of innocent people just to make an useless point, news of drowning people who try to flee on boats, children who wear their families blood-soaked clothes to pretend they are dead just to survive. . . the list goes on and on.

The whole world screams, get those who are responsible and kill them, have no mercy!

But is that the answer? To kill even more people? More will follow! I don’t say, surrender, but somehow I like to believe, there must be another way to find our way back to peace and freedom.

So yes, when I see and hear the news, I feel like Bridget Jones. I realize that I am doing pretty good with a family that loves me, a hard working husband who provides a warm roof over our heads and regular warm meals!

So I thank my hubby and God for what I have!



Today’s evening run

It is funny to say it was my evening run, as it was only 4:30pm when I left the house but because it is already dark it feels like evening.

This morning I slept in and was quite annoyed that I wasn’t able to hear the alarm from my rosy cosy land of sheep. Funny thing was,  I was already half awake and wondered what time it was and when the alarm would go off.

And when the second alarm for the children went off, it was too late to go. Also I told myself that it was too stormy anyway and I am not full recovered from my flu. Lying to yourself doesn’t count as real lie, does it?!

To top my already foul mood the car wouldn’t start. Not even a peep was to hear when I tried to start the engine! I stroked said car, whispered words of love, I even begged, but silence was all I got! FINE!

So I marched poor Mouse and Cash to school and it was difficult to keep my temper under control as I really really craved a run. The rest of the morning I spend with labeling parcels I wanted to post of which I did just before I picked Mouse back up. Just imagine me and the buggy stuffed with parcels walking through the storm. Did I mention it was almost only uphill?

The day went on and on… me looking for cars via internet… babies busy with watching Cbeebies (I am a bad parent, I know).

In the end I was so frustrated, I stuffed my face with the rest Popcorn I found in the cupboard (it is not even shitty-friday)… With the veg lasagna already in my belly I felt full and fat and there was no way, I wouldn’t stay at home!

So when Dean and Dana arrived from school, I was already in my running kit. They received short instructions and off I was.

I haven’t been for a run for over 3 weeks. Downhill it was still okay despite the slippery ground. After 10 minutes a bunch of young squaddies where running towards me, still easy breathing like I was. But that changed when I met them again on the other site of the the town. They where running down hill and I tried to make my way up. Both parties heavily breathing with red faces. My lungs where screaming from the long break and from the cold air and I am still bellowing here while I write this!

I hate running in the evening as I am too tired, I am a morning person. In the morning it is no problem at all, I am like a spring chicken who speeds around full of joy in all her glory…. This energy goes down, hand in hand with the sun!

But I am still glad I did it, so hopefully tomorrow morning I will hear the first alarm and I also like to believe, that I will not be aching.

And now all I want to do is to watch yesterday’s latest episode of “Once Upon A Time”. A 2 hour special. After that I go straight to bed!


New Dawm

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “New Dawn.”

I set my alarm at 5:55am. Monday to saturday. Every week.

I was all excited yesterday, as I finally feel good enough to go for a run! I felt like Rocky when he  made it up all those stairs and of course my last thoughts where about running.

For me 5:55am is getting up before or with sunset. It is very early for someone who needs a lot of sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep, I am quite grumpy and tend to snap peoples heads off.

No sleep= Don’t talk to me

This morning I heard the alarm… I also heard my daughter getting up and I thought “oh how long was it on, that Dana got up?”.

So I jumped out of bed, grabbed my running kit which was peacefully and patiently waiting next to the bed and got quietly out of the bedroom to see Dana in full school uniform.

I was a bit baffled and asked, why she was already dressed and she said “it is 6:20!”

Stupid mommy left the telephone downstairs instead  on the stairs and overheard it!!!

I SLEPT IN!!! I still feel like a hedgehog who was woken up against his will, now sitting here in front of the notebook in pyjama, unwashed, waiting for a smoothie.

Well I couldn’t have went anyway (aaaaah smoothie just arrived), as it is storming out site. What good would it do, when I go for a run and my 43kg (I am a short ass, hence the light weight, so no worries) frame gets blown away or worse gets hit by a falling branch. Yeah nice image, me bringing my little Miss Mouse to school, with a wounded head and/or black eye.

Okay, me and my foul moode, we should get a move on, BIG LONG SIGH AGAIN…


Further thoughts…blogging 101

When I started running years ago, I hated it!

I thought, okay I go for a quick run, I do exercise so therefor I am fit enough…

How wrong I was! I barely made 200m… I sounded like an ancient engine. A very noisy one… which is falling apart and needs to be pushed rather than move on its own! My lungs where screaming for oxygen, by legs where heavy and my feet didn’t want to leave the ground.

But I didn’t get up and run after run it got easier…

Sometimes I ran more often, sometimes less. But something changed. I can’t even say what triggered it, but I got obsessed and ran nearly every day… I got injured, hellooooo nice shin splints… Like most runners I made a lot of mistakes which caused injuries and a stop to my training for a while.

When I can’t go for a run I feel terrible and people shouldn’t even talk to me, my mood is that bad. Running relaxes me and after one hour or so, my mind shuts down, I don’t even think anymore, I just run.

At the moment I am still a bit ill. Every day I think, I could run anyway, I don’t feel that bad anymore, but then I hear this little annoying voice which sweetly sings “you are not fully recovered, if you train anyway, it will just get worse…” over and over again. So for once my brain takes over and says “no, no training” as I did this mistake many times in the past.

Next year I want to run marathons. I thought probably I have to do a few (half +) marathons first to try an ultra marathon which is my big goal.

I was browsing some marathon/running blogs here (to learn from others and maybe find someone near my are) and came across

Adam Vazquez

And he did what I would love to do! He started running and run within one year a

  • Half Marathon
  • Marathon
  • Ultra Marathon

That is so inspiring!!! So awesome! So I left a comment and the nice fella replied. Of course I had to follow his blog!!! Out of question!

The rest of the evening and before I went to bed I thought about his blog, how he managed his first ultra  and the struggles which came with it and wondered if I could do all that next year as well?

We will see…