We all have demons, skeletons and secrets. We keep them secret, bury and try to hide them. But what good does it do? As for me, I try to fight them. I am a born fighter! Always was, always will be. I have a nice sticker which I use as bookmarker. It says
667 one step ahead of the devil
I think it is a clothes brand but every time I look at my “bookmarker” it reminds me not to give up no matter what!
My inner demon is my eating disorder.
I never was a good eater. I was always picky, only looked at the greens with disgust. Often a big wooden cook spoon was placed next to my plate in case I didn´t eat up. It made me sick and I was frightened. As frightened as a little girl can be and was often used. I think, that was how it begun in the first place but a nip from a boy my age (back then 14) in the rips triggered it eventually. I could feel how he grabbed my “fat” and I felt disgusted and embarrassed though he didn´t even say anything or gave me a look. And my so called fat was just a bit baby fat most teenagers have.
I didn´t want to eat anymore. I tried to eat less to lose some pounds, I bought little calorie books and started to count calories. But at some point I got so hungry I ate all kind of food I found in the house and before I knew I was so full that I made myself sick. All my thoughts where about food. I had good days and not so good days. No one realized my condition. I hid it well until I got to a point, where I was so exhausted and felt so ill, I couldn´t even keep an apple down so I went to my doctor to seek help. She was very shocked. I explained my condition, told her my days. My weight back then was 78 pounds by 154cm. I don´t know if she wanted to give me a good fright (I don´t think so) but she said something I will never forget:
“If you keep this up, you will be dead within 2 month maximum- is that what you want?”
No that was not what I wanted. I wanted to live! To be happy again! I didn´t want to have a worry in the world. So with a little help from my doctor (weekly weight sessions and a bit of a talk) I got better. I had ups and downs for 6 years and realized that when I am stressed, worried or angry about something, I started to punish me in the form of either not eating or binge-eating and therefor making me sick. But than I got pregnant for the first time and knew when I want a healthy baby I have to stop that straight away which I did.
Today I don´t consider me as healed. But I can say I am not anorexic or bulimic anymore. But I do still have an eating disorder. When I eat I can´t really enjoy it, I still know how much calories it has and I can´t stash up on sweets as I would eat them all at once. It is like “when they are gone, they can´t harm me anymore”. And when I eat a lot one day, I try to eat healthier or exercise a bit more the other day. But I fight! I fight every single day because I want to live and because I don´t want to lose faith. Faith in myself that I can make it.
If we would all lose faith, this world, this mankind would be lost. Hope is what keeps us alive, it is what keeps me alive. Life itself can be so beautiful, you just have to embrace it.