Let me tell you my story, a story about a girl who was always a bit different. Not in a bad way I like to think.
I grew up with an older brother and a younger sister. While my siblings where very open, I was shy and stubborn and wanted to do things my way- always! My mother was quite strict. When others where still a loud to play out site, I was already in and about to go to bed. I can´t even recall being on playgrounds with my parents. Guess they just not the type. I wasn´t even in kindergarten, went straight to preschool. I always make fun of it and say, no wonder I have difficulties to socialize, ha ha.
No seriously, you could put me in a room full of people and I just can´t bring myself to open my mouth and speak to them! It is different when I get spoken to, then I can be quite bubbly. I often wonder why that is? Is it, because I fear rejection? I don´t know. Or maybe the fear people might not like me? Hm… that is a good one. Actually I don´t really care, what people think about me as I like the way I am and if people don´t see my good heart, than they are not worth to be part of my life!
When I was younger I did a lot of stupid mistakes, like surrounding me with the wrong kind of “friends”. Friends who I found out later talked behind my back.
Or a big one was, that after my job trainee I just quit and worked for some tattoo shops instead to keep a well paid steady job.
But the biggest, biggest mistake was the following:
I was ready for children. Until I was 18 and never ever thought, I will have children, because I didn´t even wanted to hold a baby or even play with my younger sister (last one probably was, because I was jealous as she was everybody´s darling). However. My back then best friend got pregnant and when I was in hospital to visit her, I held this little bundle of joy and I finally felt it. I wanted a baby. So one day when I was at work in a tattoo shop, I met a good looking boy. And when you just met everything is great, you only see pink and you think you are in love, specially when you are young. So him and me decided we want to try for a baby. Funny thing was, I must have gotten some when in between the first few times we had hot steamy sex! He was a bit shocked and then happy. My first son was born… and after a couple of month I wanted a little sister for him which came come true, but my partner wasn´t happy at all, but excepted it. And than our relationship went down the pipes. We argued a lot! Everything I did was wrong according to him! Of course there are always two sides of a story and I have to admit, I could have done more to keep the spark alive but I guess, I felt it wasn´t love and because I am a selfish person (yes, a big weakness of mine), I didn´t want to put anymore effort in!
One day, he said that he wants to split up from me. The first two days I was devastated. Early in my 20s, with a 3 and 1 1/2 years old toddlers, no job but do you know what? After the third day I felt so relieved that it was over! Months later when we argued about something (he moved out) he blurted out, that I don´t even try to win him back where I replied “why would I? I am glad it is over!”. After the split up I even found out, that he cheated on me and later he even got together with that girl… The reason why I really really regret ever meeting this man however is not the constant arguing, or that he was impatient with the children, not even that he cheated on me, not even that I had to beg for every single bit of child support, NO! The reasons are, that he always put massive stones in my way! Instead of seeing, what for a great job I did, by bringing up the children on my own, teach them to cycle, bind bows, how to swim (ha pat myself on the should), he threatened me to phone the police, because I was working, I would neglect my wonderful babies! He even tried to play the children against me, by saying if they want to, they can live with him… he did a lot of things but it would be too much to replay that in my mind. Just let me tell you this; I cried a lot! But I didn´t want my children to think bad of him, so I always hid my tears and never said a bad word about him as I want my children to make up their own mind. But do you know what? Constant rows about how to bring up children are so so exhausting…
We make mistakes in life, but in the end, you just grow stronger. You learn. And even become a better person!
Do I want my ex to die? Of course not! But sometimes I wish a bus would hit him. And maybe reverse and hit him again he would be fine after a while (big grin on my face)… what I do the same mistake again just to get those wonderful children? YES I WOULD, maybe just with my husband (it would have saved me a lot of tears and nervous breakdowns)
If I find time, I tell you my crazy story of how I found my husband, though I was totally fed up with men and for the first time in my life I wanted to be single (for the rest of my life)!