Month: September 2015

My childhood (painful memories)

Do you ever catch yourself watching other parents with their children or staring at your friends interaction with their parents? I do. Often. I have seen friends with their parents and I often wonder how it come that they have such a loving relationship to each other. Normally it should be the most common thing in the world. Normally.

When I was little my mother was very strict with me. I had to follow her rules and if I didn´t my bum often felt a wooden or plastic cook spoon. She had to buy one at least once a month! Reasons for her to discipline me where, I came home dirty, having bad grades in school or didn´t want to eat my supper. Once my teacher asked me why I was so bruised and I replied “I fell”. She must have guessed something.

My father never did anything to stop her. I believe it was because he didn´t want to be between the lines.

If I did something wrong, my mother punished me by taking tv and music out of my room and I was grounded, also once she didn´t speak to me for almost a whole year, only because my boyfriend, whom she didn´t even know, was a lot older than me.

Point is: Though she admitted a few years ago, that she made mistakes, I can´t trust her or my father in the way parent and child should. I always tried to please them to get their attention to make it right or better but no matter what I did, it felt like I wasn´t good enough. I felt unloved and unwanted for a long time. After a while I stopped looking for approval because I knew, if I ever want to survive this world, I have to make it without my parents love. I have to get away from them as far I can to make me feel good. I have to make my own decisions without thinking about how they may react and finally I felt better. I felt free.

Nowadays when my mother hangs the phone up on me and sulks, I just think “well at least I have some peace from her for a couple of weeks” and smile to myself. She is not getting the better of me anymore! We get along now but still, I gaze in awe at other parent/child relationships and sometimes think, I am missing out. I always say “… to have my family is like having no family…” because when you feel unsupported and unloved it is just like that.

But then I read the books from Martha Long https://marthalong.wordpress.com/

This lady, who, having went through so much, through so many horrible and evil things, but against all odds she made it and she came out of it so strongly – and I thought “who am I to pity myself? That lady made it, compared to her childhood mine was pure cotton candy on a fair”. Get a grip, pull yourself together and live your life, enjoy it, who knows what comes tomorrow, you only have one life to live!

And that is what I do: I life my live without regrets, I never give up on things and I never lose faith!

Franky

Bloggers Recognition Award

Much thanks to Sarah Emmerling (Em) from bipolarbytes.com

http://bipolarbytes.com/author/emmerling0014

for nominating me for the Blogger Recognition Award.

I started my blog to find out what to do with myself in the future. For that I have two years time. Two years, because then my youngest spawn Cash will join school like his three siblings. And that means, I need to find a job. We have a lot of children and somehow some when I should and need to support my hubby with a bit of money. Actually I am trained secretary for the court. That was my very first job and so not for me… I had a lot of jobs from maid in a posh hotel, piercer in a tattoo shop, call centre over postman (gosh that was hard work, but I loved to be outdoors, even in the middle of winter in the snow, falling down slippery stairs and dropping letters in the snow, still feel sorry for the sloppy letters/customers) until I ended up working for airports which I loved as well. But now I live in the countryside with no airport in sight or earshot so what to do with my life? Maybe I tidy out barns OR who knows, maybe I am talented enough or can improve my writing skills (definitely needs improvement) to be heard by others. Get followers and make a living somehow. But even if I can´t live from it or earn a bit pocket-money with my writing maybe, maybeee I am funny enough for others to read my blog!

I got the good advice to write a list. A list about things I want to write, which helps me to sort things out and know where to start. Of course I am happy for any advice I can get, so don´t hold back!

Bloggers Recognition Award

The purpose of this award is to motivate and encourage bloggers and let them know that they’re appreciated, no matter how big or small their blog is. The idea is to share the love;  so at the end of this post I will be tagging 15 more bloggers who I’d love to nominate!

The guidelines are as follows:

1. Start a new post. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

2. Next, include a brief story of how and why you started your blog

3. Then, share some advice or “lessons learned” for new bloggers

4. Finally, select up to 15 other blogs deserving of recognition and list them in your post. Publish it!

5. Last but not least, let the nominees know you have nominated them and provide a link to the nomination details (the post you just published).

6.  Go back to the person who nominated you and leave a comment with a link to your acceptance of the award!

So now it is my turn to nomate:

Well I only nominated 8 people/blogs. Reason is, I am still new to this site and don´t have more blogs I am currently following and don´t want to ad more blogs just to fulfill the number 15- I hope that is okay. Surely I will follow more blogs over the time but therefor I have to read into them first!

Why do I see pregnant women everywhere?

No matter where I am, I see pregnant women. Or I see mommies with their newborns. Everywhere! Reason why I see them constantly probably is, that I wish I was them.

When it comes to babies, my brain switches of and only my heart keeps on beating and I think how wonderful it would be, to have one or two more of those cute little creatures who loves you unconditionally. What would I give to feel their first movements in my belly again, see little feet press against their 9 month 1 room apartment. To see my baby for the first time, to hold him or her, to smell the skin and to breastfeed….

Of course I totally forget, that my womb can´t carry another child because I already had 4 children, sadly through c-section and because of that I suffered from “hidden ruptures” which means, that the scar thinness out before the due date. I also forget, that my youngest one was a few weeks premature and that it would happen again. Also forgotten are the sleepless nights, because breastfed babies seem to drink 24/7. I don´t think about, that children when they get older cost a lot of money and that every child wants attention from mommy. And of course mommy forgets how awful she felt, because of all the extra weight she carried around and that she is one of those who doesn´t loose weight while breastfeeding.

Noooo, all I think is how wonderful it would be to have another little one in my arms.

When I see pregnant women or new mommies I smile. But it is a sad smile because I know I will never experience that ever again and I know I have to find a way to get over it.

I do have four wonderful children and that is more than most others have and I am grateful for them, but still… it makes me sad, a bit…

Franky

Teenagers- I wish they where sweet little angels again!!!

I must admit, I was a horrible teenager. But then again, I probably was like all teenagers. I wanted to find out, how far I can go- like my older daughter. There is not one day, she doesn´t make me mental! It starts early in the morning. I have to tell her 3 million times to get ready and to wash. . . And when she did, I have to inspect her teeth just to send her back upstairs to brush them again and also to tell her to brush her hair.

Or when I ask her to tidy up her bedroom. Oh what for a big sigh do I get. I tell her to hurry up, because it is unfair that her brother has to put up with their other two little siblings while she is taking her time. She likes to do that- a lot! I shout for her and all I get is……………………………………………………………………………………. nothing! So I shout for her 3 more times until her majesty finally opens the bedroom door and says sweetly “yes, mommy? did you call me?”. Does she think I am stupid? Of course she heard me the first time!

Often she likes to act like Mother Theresa only that it feels like Elmira from the Loony Tunes. She bosses her little sister (she is 3) and her little brother (he is 1) around. And because they have their own mind it often ends in tears and shouts. When we go outside for example, she acts like she was their mother. But she doesn´t give her commands in a nice way, nooooo, she is loud and impatient and every few minutes I hear her unnerving loud voice shouting out to them until I have to remind her that I am their mother and someday (rather later than sooner) she will have children of her own to command but until then I want her to finally keep her mouth shut. Oh how nice would it be, if she would shut up straight away after my speech- yeah, that was a good one. Of course I have to repeat myself (did I mention I hate to repeat myself?!) two more times.

But the worse thing is, she sneaks food in her bedroom. Food like little treats for my little mouse after school. And just this morning I found 10 (10!) little fruit gummy packages in her room. Oh she made me so so angry because that wasn´t the first time she did that. I was so disappointed in her that she actually steals their siblings treats. I mean come on, it is not that she doesn´t get sweets. I must admit I lost it a bit this morning and shouted at her.

But it doesn´t matter how I do it, I do it wrong. Do I speak with angelic tounges to her, it doesn´t do much and if I shout at her either. SIGH. Guess you just have to be brave during the whole teenager time. Specially me. I was a wild child as well, so I know exactly how she must feel and that is why I try not to shout or to forbid her much, but still. When she looks at me and doesn´t move a single bone though I asked her to do something, oh boy… Mental, one day I go mental!!! I always tell myself “patience, have patience” but how much patience can a parent have?!?

My son on the other hand is not affected. He is a god boy, sure he is cheeky every now and then, but that is it. He wants to please us, he is just like my sister who always tries to please others (and our parents).

Back then, when I still raised my two older ones alone, I often wished them to be older and more independent as it was so exhausting with two toddlers alone. OH IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN.

Dear parents with only toddlers let me give you advice, don´t wish for them to grow quick. Toddler years are nothing compared to teenager years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What would I give for them to be cute little toddlers again. Before you know it they are all grown up. I look at my little ones and my heart is bleeding, because they are growing so fast.

But we will make it through the teenage years, sure I will get grey hairs because of it, but hey I said yes to my children, I planned and wanted them and will love them until I take my last breath!

Franky

#youngerself

If you could time travel, what would you give yourself for advise? Would you travel back in time? Would you say something to your younger self or would you just watch? Would you want to change your past or would you do everything exactly the same?

If I could travel back in time to meet myself, it would be just the day before I met my ex and father of two of my children. I would tell her (me), that if she goes to work tomorrow a good-looking young man will come in the tattoo shop to get a piercing done. I would warn her not to get blended by his looks and his bright smile as he is a mummy´s darling. That this man is constantly broke and that your friends will not even like him.

And if she still doesn´t believe me, I will also tell her, that she will have two children with him to whom he is very impatient and that they cry a lot around him. And when she says, that when she is not going on a date with him, she will not have those wonderful children, I will return that there are a specific number of souls, souls of little babies meant for every woman on this earth and that this two wonderful children will come, just a bit later with the right man.

I would continue, telling her after 2 years he will make her cry every day and that she will ask herself, what she is doing wrong, that she looks very unhappy, from the inside as well as from the outside. And after 3 years he will cheat and will split up from her, that he doesn´t even pay child support for a couple of years and even then, that she has to beg for every single penny and also that he is not interested much in the little ones, never calls, emails and only sees them 3, maybe 4 times a year! Also will he threaten her, to take the children away via court only because she doesn´t have much time as she has to work so much to get food on the table and clothes on their bodies!!!

And when she finally agrees to stay away from this man, she might ask me about the future. The only thing I would tell her is that as per usual we took the rocky way, that we had ups and downs but that we are finally and truly happy.

I would hug my younger self good-bye and leave.

I did a lot of stupid things in my life (who doesn´t?!), I made wrong decisions, but I don´t regret anything!!! Nothing!

Except getting involved with my ex.

But we all learn from our mistakes and what doesn´t kill us makes us stronger.

Franky

How to keep the spark alive???

When you fall in love, you see everything through pink glasses (at least I do, my brain only works partially)!

You want to see each other as often as possible, you can barely keep the hands off each other and have loads of hot steamy sex and you are 100% certain, that this state will last forever, even when you are old and move in snail pace. You get told, once you get married and time goes by it won´t be like that anymore. Sex will be a rarity. You laugh them in the face, saying “yeah, whatever…”

Than reality hits you and you must admit, they where right! Why did it change? When did it change? What happened to all the nice sex sessions? The snogging and making out in dark corners, the oh so tender stroke down-under in the pictures where no one can see (oi! just to check if everything is still in place of course). The sleepy from behind (no one likes morning breath, not even when you are fresh in love) morning sex.

Don´t get me wrong, I do have sex with my hubby. And I still find him hot. Even more now that he shred over 20 kg and got more tattoos (the more the better). Sometimes we have sex twice a week but it also happens, that we don´t have sex for a whole month. Yes, I know it could be worse: Only to special occasions.

When we have sex it is often in passing. Why? Because we have 4 children which are never in bed before 9 o´clock and I don´t like the mental image of us having sex, while they are downstairs watching tv. I would be too frightened someone opens the door. And when we finally have sex, it is a quickie in the bathroom or downstairs in the livingroom, because our youngest still sleeps in our bed and no, no, noooooooooo… I can´t do it, when our son sleeps next to us. NO!

Sometimes though we get the opportunity, but then I am just too tired. That is no excuse. I get up at 6:30 and am busy with children, preparing food, workout (5 – 6 days to stay sane), walking to school, going for walkies, to the playground and also I have to keep the house clean and once my youngest is in school as well, I honestly hope, to find a job. So who can blame me, that I am too tired?

Question is: How do I keep the spark alive? I know it mustn´t be sex in particular, a nice couple day out would be lovely as well. Which could end in…. you know what (GRIN).

Maybe I should move our little one out of our bed and in his own one, helloooo long-lost morning sex!!! I mean, men are simple. They are happy when they get regular sex! And women? Well I would be happy with a handbag (for my defence, I only own one!) or with the french bulldog I wanted for so long, but hubby keeps saying no, laugh.

What about roleplay? Well I don´t think that would be something for us and it is not, that our sex life is boring, when we have sex, it is great, though he needs to improve his “how-to-spank-wifey-properly-skills” but that is another story.

Guess the answer is as easy as this: Make time for each other somehow!

Franky