Month: September 2015

My childhood (painful memories)

Do you ever catch yourself watching other parents with their children or staring at your friends interaction with their parents? I do. Often. I have seen friends with their parents and I often wonder how it come that they have such a loving relationship to each other. Normally it should be the most common thing in the world. Normally.

When I was little my mother was very strict with me. I had to follow her rules and if I didn´t my bum often felt a wooden or plastic cook spoon. She had to buy one at least once a month! Reasons for her to discipline me where, I came home dirty, having bad grades in school or didn´t want to eat my supper. Once my teacher asked me why I was so bruised and I replied “I fell”. She must have guessed something.

My father never did anything to stop her. I believe it was because he didn´t want to be between the lines.

If I did something wrong, my mother punished me by taking tv and music out of my room and I was grounded, also once she didn´t speak to me for almost a whole year, only because my boyfriend, whom she didn´t even know, was a lot older than me.

Point is: Though she admitted a few years ago, that she made mistakes, I can´t trust her or my father in the way parent and child should. I always tried to please them to get their attention to make it right or better but no matter what I did, it felt like I wasn´t good enough. I felt unloved and unwanted for a long time. After a while I stopped looking for approval because I knew, if I ever want to survive this world, I have to make it without my parents love. I have to get away from them as far I can to make me feel good. I have to make my own decisions without thinking about how they may react and finally I felt better. I felt free.

Nowadays when my mother hangs the phone up on me and sulks, I just think “well at least I have some peace from her for a couple of weeks” and smile to myself. She is not getting the better of me anymore! We get along now but still, I gaze in awe at other parent/child relationships and sometimes think, I am missing out. I always say “… to have my family is like having no family…” because when you feel unsupported and unloved it is just like that.

But then I read the books from Martha Long

This lady, who, having went through so much, through so many horrible and evil things, but against all odds she made it and she came out of it so strongly – and I thought “who am I to pity myself? That lady made it, compared to her childhood mine was pure cotton candy on a fair”. Get a grip, pull yourself together and live your life, enjoy it, who knows what comes tomorrow, you only have one life to live!

And that is what I do: I life my live without regrets, I never give up on things and I never lose faith!


Bloggers Recognition Award

Much thanks to Sarah Emmerling (Em) from

for nominating me for the Blogger Recognition Award.

I started my blog to find out what to do with myself in the future. For that I have two years time. Two years, because then my youngest spawn Cash will join school like his three siblings. And that means, I need to find a job. We have a lot of children and somehow some when I should and need to support my hubby with a bit of money. Actually I am trained secretary for the court. That was my very first job and so not for me… I had a lot of jobs from maid in a posh hotel, piercer in a tattoo shop, call centre over postman (gosh that was hard work, but I loved to be outdoors, even in the middle of winter in the snow, falling down slippery stairs and dropping letters in the snow, still feel sorry for the sloppy letters/customers) until I ended up working for airports which I loved as well. But now I live in the countryside with no airport in sight or earshot so what to do with my life? Maybe I tidy out barns OR who knows, maybe I am talented enough or can improve my writing skills (definitely needs improvement) to be heard by others. Get followers and make a living somehow. But even if I can´t live from it or earn a bit pocket-money with my writing maybe, maybeee I am funny enough for others to read my blog!

I got the good advice to write a list. A list about things I want to write, which helps me to sort things out and know where to start. Of course I am happy for any advice I can get, so don´t hold back!

Bloggers Recognition Award

The purpose of this award is to motivate and encourage bloggers and let them know that they’re appreciated, no matter how big or small their blog is. The idea is to share the love;  so at the end of this post I will be tagging 15 more bloggers who I’d love to nominate!

The guidelines are as follows:

1. Start a new post. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

2. Next, include a brief story of how and why you started your blog

3. Then, share some advice or “lessons learned” for new bloggers

4. Finally, select up to 15 other blogs deserving of recognition and list them in your post. Publish it!

5. Last but not least, let the nominees know you have nominated them and provide a link to the nomination details (the post you just published).

6.  Go back to the person who nominated you and leave a comment with a link to your acceptance of the award!

So now it is my turn to nomate:

Well I only nominated 8 people/blogs. Reason is, I am still new to this site and don´t have more blogs I am currently following and don´t want to ad more blogs just to fulfill the number 15- I hope that is okay. Surely I will follow more blogs over the time but therefor I have to read into them first!

Why do I see pregnant women everywhere?

No matter where I am, I see pregnant women. Or I see mommies with their newborns. Everywhere! Reason why I see them constantly probably is, that I wish I was them.

When it comes to babies, my brain switches of and only my heart keeps on beating and I think how wonderful it would be, to have one or two more of those cute little creatures who loves you unconditionally. What would I give to feel their first movements in my belly again, see little feet press against their 9 month 1 room apartment. To see my baby for the first time, to hold him or her, to smell the skin and to breastfeed….

Of course I totally forget, that my womb can´t carry another child because I already had 4 children, sadly through c-section and because of that I suffered from “hidden ruptures” which means, that the scar thinness out before the due date. I also forget, that my youngest one was a few weeks premature and that it would happen again. Also forgotten are the sleepless nights, because breastfed babies seem to drink 24/7. I don´t think about, that children when they get older cost a lot of money and that every child wants attention from mommy. And of course mommy forgets how awful she felt, because of all the extra weight she carried around and that she is one of those who doesn´t loose weight while breastfeeding.

Noooo, all I think is how wonderful it would be to have another little one in my arms.

When I see pregnant women or new mommies I smile. But it is a sad smile because I know I will never experience that ever again and I know I have to find a way to get over it.

I do have four wonderful children and that is more than most others have and I am grateful for them, but still… it makes me sad, a bit…


Teenagers- I wish they where sweet little angels again!!!

I must admit, I was a horrible teenager. But then again, I probably was like all teenagers. I wanted to find out, how far I can go- like my older daughter. There is not one day, she doesn´t make me mental! It starts early in the morning. I have to tell her 3 million times to get ready and to wash. . . And when she did, I have to inspect her teeth just to send her back upstairs to brush them again and also to tell her to brush her hair.

Or when I ask her to tidy up her bedroom. Oh what for a big sigh do I get. I tell her to hurry up, because it is unfair that her brother has to put up with their other two little siblings while she is taking her time. She likes to do that- a lot! I shout for her and all I get is……………………………………………………………………………………. nothing! So I shout for her 3 more times until her majesty finally opens the bedroom door and says sweetly “yes, mommy? did you call me?”. Does she think I am stupid? Of course she heard me the first time!

Often she likes to act like Mother Theresa only that it feels like Elmira from the Loony Tunes. She bosses her little sister (she is 3) and her little brother (he is 1) around. And because they have their own mind it often ends in tears and shouts. When we go outside for example, she acts like she was their mother. But she doesn´t give her commands in a nice way, nooooo, she is loud and impatient and every few minutes I hear her unnerving loud voice shouting out to them until I have to remind her that I am their mother and someday (rather later than sooner) she will have children of her own to command but until then I want her to finally keep her mouth shut. Oh how nice would it be, if she would shut up straight away after my speech- yeah, that was a good one. Of course I have to repeat myself (did I mention I hate to repeat myself?!) two more times.

But the worse thing is, she sneaks food in her bedroom. Food like little treats for my little mouse after school. And just this morning I found 10 (10!) little fruit gummy packages in her room. Oh she made me so so angry because that wasn´t the first time she did that. I was so disappointed in her that she actually steals their siblings treats. I mean come on, it is not that she doesn´t get sweets. I must admit I lost it a bit this morning and shouted at her.

But it doesn´t matter how I do it, I do it wrong. Do I speak with angelic tounges to her, it doesn´t do much and if I shout at her either. SIGH. Guess you just have to be brave during the whole teenager time. Specially me. I was a wild child as well, so I know exactly how she must feel and that is why I try not to shout or to forbid her much, but still. When she looks at me and doesn´t move a single bone though I asked her to do something, oh boy… Mental, one day I go mental!!! I always tell myself “patience, have patience” but how much patience can a parent have?!?

My son on the other hand is not affected. He is a god boy, sure he is cheeky every now and then, but that is it. He wants to please us, he is just like my sister who always tries to please others (and our parents).

Back then, when I still raised my two older ones alone, I often wished them to be older and more independent as it was so exhausting with two toddlers alone. OH IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN.

Dear parents with only toddlers let me give you advice, don´t wish for them to grow quick. Toddler years are nothing compared to teenager years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What would I give for them to be cute little toddlers again. Before you know it they are all grown up. I look at my little ones and my heart is bleeding, because they are growing so fast.

But we will make it through the teenage years, sure I will get grey hairs because of it, but hey I said yes to my children, I planned and wanted them and will love them until I take my last breath!



If you could time travel, what would you give yourself for advise? Would you travel back in time? Would you say something to your younger self or would you just watch? Would you want to change your past or would you do everything exactly the same?

If I could travel back in time to meet myself, it would be just the day before I met my ex and father of two of my children. I would tell her (me), that if she goes to work tomorrow a good-looking young man will come in the tattoo shop to get a piercing done. I would warn her not to get blended by his looks and his bright smile as he is a mummy´s darling. That this man is constantly broke and that your friends will not even like him.

And if she still doesn´t believe me, I will also tell her, that she will have two children with him to whom he is very impatient and that they cry a lot around him. And when she says, that when she is not going on a date with him, she will not have those wonderful children, I will return that there are a specific number of souls, souls of little babies meant for every woman on this earth and that this two wonderful children will come, just a bit later with the right man.

I would continue, telling her after 2 years he will make her cry every day and that she will ask herself, what she is doing wrong, that she looks very unhappy, from the inside as well as from the outside. And after 3 years he will cheat and will split up from her, that he doesn´t even pay child support for a couple of years and even then, that she has to beg for every single penny and also that he is not interested much in the little ones, never calls, emails and only sees them 3, maybe 4 times a year! Also will he threaten her, to take the children away via court only because she doesn´t have much time as she has to work so much to get food on the table and clothes on their bodies!!!

And when she finally agrees to stay away from this man, she might ask me about the future. The only thing I would tell her is that as per usual we took the rocky way, that we had ups and downs but that we are finally and truly happy.

I would hug my younger self good-bye and leave.

I did a lot of stupid things in my life (who doesn´t?!), I made wrong decisions, but I don´t regret anything!!! Nothing!

Except getting involved with my ex.

But we all learn from our mistakes and what doesn´t kill us makes us stronger.


How to keep the spark alive???

When you fall in love, you see everything through pink glasses (at least I do, my brain only works partially)!

You want to see each other as often as possible, you can barely keep the hands off each other and have loads of hot steamy sex and you are 100% certain, that this state will last forever, even when you are old and move in snail pace. You get told, once you get married and time goes by it won´t be like that anymore. Sex will be a rarity. You laugh them in the face, saying “yeah, whatever…”

Than reality hits you and you must admit, they where right! Why did it change? When did it change? What happened to all the nice sex sessions? The snogging and making out in dark corners, the oh so tender stroke down-under in the pictures where no one can see (oi! just to check if everything is still in place of course). The sleepy from behind (no one likes morning breath, not even when you are fresh in love) morning sex.

Don´t get me wrong, I do have sex with my hubby. And I still find him hot. Even more now that he shred over 20 kg and got more tattoos (the more the better). Sometimes we have sex twice a week but it also happens, that we don´t have sex for a whole month. Yes, I know it could be worse: Only to special occasions.

When we have sex it is often in passing. Why? Because we have 4 children which are never in bed before 9 o´clock and I don´t like the mental image of us having sex, while they are downstairs watching tv. I would be too frightened someone opens the door. And when we finally have sex, it is a quickie in the bathroom or downstairs in the livingroom, because our youngest still sleeps in our bed and no, no, noooooooooo… I can´t do it, when our son sleeps next to us. NO!

Sometimes though we get the opportunity, but then I am just too tired. That is no excuse. I get up at 6:30 and am busy with children, preparing food, workout (5 – 6 days to stay sane), walking to school, going for walkies, to the playground and also I have to keep the house clean and once my youngest is in school as well, I honestly hope, to find a job. So who can blame me, that I am too tired?

Question is: How do I keep the spark alive? I know it mustn´t be sex in particular, a nice couple day out would be lovely as well. Which could end in…. you know what (GRIN).

Maybe I should move our little one out of our bed and in his own one, helloooo long-lost morning sex!!! I mean, men are simple. They are happy when they get regular sex! And women? Well I would be happy with a handbag (for my defence, I only own one!) or with the french bulldog I wanted for so long, but hubby keeps saying no, laugh.

What about roleplay? Well I don´t think that would be something for us and it is not, that our sex life is boring, when we have sex, it is great, though he needs to improve his “how-to-spank-wifey-properly-skills” but that is another story.

Guess the answer is as easy as this: Make time for each other somehow!


Meet my husband

I was a single mom of two for a couple of years. Socializing due to my busy job by the airport was quite difficult. When others went out, I slept. When I finished work around lunchtime, others worked. So what did I do? I browsed a bit around in “Interpals Penpals” and have seen a man from Ireland. I thought, “well… what do I have to lose? A little nice chat will not hurt”, so I have sent him a message and he replied a few hours later in the evening. The conversations we had where really nice and he didn´t even flirt with me, which for a penpal site is not so common. So of course he raised my interest, also maybe because he didn´t look like the type I usually would date! But because I wanted to be open-minded and because I am not a person who judges a book by its cover and he had a cute smile, I kept on chatting. So at some point when I was on leave (by then we exchanged emails for a few weeks) I suggested to meet. He invited me to Ireland so I went for a “blind date”, hopped in a plane and there I was: Dublin Airport. He was 20 minutes late and first I thought he stood me up but then I saw him. Short, a little belly, bald and somehow he reminded me of one of the smirfes from snow-white with his bat ears, hehehehe. But okay. We got along straight away and in the evening in a pub after a few pints he kissed me. And it was such a sweet kiss… a bit hesitant at first as if he would kiss for the first time and didn´t really know what to do… a hint of tongue every know and then. It got steamy at the end in his bed.. noooo not what you think… we didn´t go the whole way.

After a long weekend, he drove me back to the airport…he was all happy and so was I. He said that he doesn´t want to let me go and I replied, that I can come back if he wants me to and he said, he will book a flight and will visit me and so he did. Well, at least he booked his flight. But something changed. He sent me an email, which I read early in the morning just before I went to work saying “that I should phone him, that he has to talk to me”… so I phoned him straight away. A big mistake! He said, that he thinks “he isn´t really into it…he doesn´t have money to provide a good life anyway…he will not come…” I was so baffled. Later after my shift (I shed some tears IN FRONT OF EVERYONE for the first time ever) I phoned him again, explaining (incase he got the wrong impression), that all I wanted was to see if it works out between us. So he changed his mind and said, that he will visit me only to change his mind again the next day, all of a sudden to blame me, that I was to clingie and would set him under pressure, he will not come and don´t want to be with me.

OH MY… I was so down… for weeks…I was never down when a relationship ended. You must understand, I´ve got a huge ego. Plus normally it was me, who dumped boyfriends. And the fact that I got dumped by a jobless man who, according to ALL my good close girlfriends, should only go out in the middle of the night in a snowstorm didn´t make it easier. My self-esteem was like zero. Non existing.

I was so fed up with men. I wanted nothing to do with them. I really wanted to be single, though I am a terrible single. So I decided to sell all my belongings and applied for jobs in Ireland and Scotland.

One day, when I finally got my shit back together, I logged into interpals again. I just wanted to chat a bit, because I felt alone and bored. And that was, when I met my husband. His profile picture was so cute, but because I figured out, that he was armee, I thought “no, I know what they are like”. So I clicked his profile away. And back on, around 10 times until finally I send him an email to which he replied. I was so suspicious at first, as he almost instantly started to flirt, but I liked that. After a few emails he suggested to visit me (we lived in the same country back then). I felt a bit uneasy but agreed. So 5 days later I picked him up from the train station.

It was love at first sight, on a friday the 13th and exactly 4 month later in winter we got married in Edinburgh!!! And guess what?! He is a very hot bald tattooed irish hunk!

Everybody thought, we are mental. But we are so alike, it was the best thing I ever did. Sometimes you just have to listen to your heart and switch your brain off. In my case, that happens very often, sometimes it leads me in the right direction, well and sometimes it goes completely wrong. But that is life and I love my life and my husband very much. The question now is: How to keep the spark alive? More in my next blog…


How everything began

Let me tell you my story, a story about a girl who was always a bit different. Not in a bad way I like to think.

I grew up with an older brother and a younger sister. While my siblings where very open, I was shy and stubborn and wanted to do things my way- always! My mother was quite strict. When others where still a loud to play out site, I was already in and about to go to bed. I can´t even recall being on playgrounds with my parents. Guess they just not the type. I wasn´t even in kindergarten, went straight to preschool. I always make fun of it and say, no wonder I have difficulties to socialize, ha ha.

No seriously, you could put me in a room full of people and I just can´t bring myself to open my mouth and speak to them! It is different when I get spoken to, then I can be quite bubbly. I often wonder why that is? Is it, because I fear rejection? I don´t know. Or maybe the fear people might not like me? Hm… that is a good one. Actually I don´t really care, what people think about me as I like the way I am and if people don´t see my good heart, than they are not worth to be part of my life!

When I was younger I did a lot of stupid mistakes, like surrounding me with the wrong kind of “friends”. Friends who I found out later talked behind my back.

Or a big one was, that after my job trainee I just quit and worked for some tattoo shops instead to keep a well paid steady job.

But the biggest, biggest mistake was the following:

I was ready for children. Until I was 18 and never ever thought, I will have children, because I didn´t even wanted to hold a baby or even play with my younger sister (last one  probably was, because I was jealous as she was everybody´s darling). However. My back then best friend got pregnant and when I was in hospital to visit her, I held this little bundle of joy and I finally felt it. I wanted a baby. So one day when I was at work in a tattoo shop, I met a good looking boy. And when you just met everything is great, you only see pink and you think you are in love, specially when you are young. So him and me decided we want to try for a baby. Funny thing was, I must have gotten some when in between the first few times we had hot steamy sex! He was a bit shocked and then happy. My first son was born… and after a couple of month I wanted a little sister for him which came come true, but my partner wasn´t happy at all, but excepted it. And than our relationship went down the pipes. We argued a lot! Everything I did was wrong according to him! Of course there are always two sides of a story and I have to admit, I could have done more to keep the spark alive but I guess, I felt it wasn´t love and because I am a selfish person (yes, a big weakness of mine), I didn´t want to put anymore effort in!

One day, he said that he wants to split up from me. The first two days I was devastated. Early in my 20s, with a 3 and 1 1/2 years old toddlers, no job but do you know what? After the third day I felt so relieved that it was over! Months later when we argued about something (he moved out) he blurted out, that I don´t even try to win him back where I replied “why would I? I am glad it is over!”. After the split up I even found out, that he cheated on me and later he even got together with that girl… The reason why I really really regret ever meeting this man however is not the constant arguing, or that he was impatient with the children, not even that he cheated on me, not even that I had to beg for every single bit of child support, NO! The reasons are, that he always put massive stones in my way! Instead of seeing, what for a great job I did, by bringing up the children on my own, teach them to cycle, bind bows, how to swim (ha pat myself on the should), he threatened me to phone the police, because I was working, I would neglect my wonderful babies! He even tried to play the children against me, by saying if they want to, they can live with him… he did a lot of things but it would be too much to replay that in my mind. Just let me tell you this; I cried a lot! But I didn´t want my children to think bad of him, so I always hid my tears and never said a bad word about him as I want my children to make up their own mind. But do you know what? Constant rows about how to bring up children are so so exhausting…

We make mistakes in life, but in the end, you just grow stronger. You learn. And even become a better person!

Do I want my ex to die? Of course not! But sometimes I wish a bus would hit him. And maybe reverse and hit him again he would be fine after a while (big grin on my face)… what I do the same mistake again just to get those wonderful children? YES I WOULD, maybe just with my husband (it would have saved me a lot of tears and nervous breakdowns)

If I find time, I tell you my crazy story of how I found my husband, though I was totally fed up with men and for the first time in my life I wanted to be single (for the rest of my life)!

Franky (more…)