What my future may hold

Like so many teenagers I was not really interested in school.

Don’t get me wrong, as a good girl would, I went to school every day and arrived on time, I followed the lessons and tried to get whatever teachers threw at me into my head.

Thing is:

I always had to work really hard to get somewhat good grades and having parents who eventually have given up on me because they didn’t know what else to do to make me understand that school, as boring as it seems, is very important, didn’t help either.

Most subjects in school didn’t interest me and the

now I begin to see

moment just wouldn’t sink in. At. All.

So I graduated with what you would call average, more or less, was trained as a law secretary, again only average as this was the last job available and not really what I wanted….

Forward 20 odd years later with 4 children and a husband I finally realized that I could have done so much better. And that realization niggled at me for quite some time.

It is a shame really that humans don’t be born wise! What troubles could we spare us!

So I started to study anatomy and physiology to become a sports massage therapist and passed!

I learned so much, did online quizzes, studied with flashcards until I got everything in my head and while I did so I thought, that is exactly what I should have done back then! I should have learned and put effort in.

Yeah well, should have, could have, would have… we can’t turn back time so I pushed the thought away.

As I said, I passed and can call myself a sports massage therapist from now on.


Question is, will I find something? I actually wanted to get another diploma for traditional Swedish massage, but money at the moment is more than tight.

OK, tight is the understatement of the day, heck what do I say, of the month!

We are skinned as we are going to move house, hopefully mid July but there are so many ginormous stones in our way, you have no idea, but if you are interested in why, read my next blog!



via Daily Prompt: Premature

I never thought I would give birth to a premature baby, even when he was born only 6 weeks early.

The first two times I was pregnant I was induced as labour just wouldn’t happen and my babies more than content in their little quarter.

9 days the first time overdue and 4 days the second, because I threatened the hospital I wouldn’t leave the premises until my baby is born!

Well as it happens my body didn’t want to deliver the natural way. It was like my lady parts where on strike.

So c-sections it was which was fine as I thought, as long my babies are safe and healthy I don’t care which way they are delivered.

Number 3 was a planned c-section as number with number 2 I had a hidden rupture which means, the outer layers of the c-section scar started to open…

Apparently everything was fine according to the doctors so we where blessed with our final baby number 4 but at 27 weeks I developed a burning sensation around the scar.

I phoned my midwife first, she told me to phone the hospital straight away and keep her updated. So I phoned the maternity ward in hospital (back then we where based in Holland) and explained the problem and also that I had a hidden rupture before. They said, they don’t think it is something major and wouldn’t see me, but could give me an appointment in a weeks time!

I put the phone down and redialled my midwife for further assistance. What can I say? She was great, got me an appointment for the same day in Germany near the Dutch/German border.

When we arrived and I explained to the CHIEF (such a lovely understanding gentlemen!) of the hospital what ales me he asked me to come through right away for a scan.

It turned out my scar thinned down to only 5cm-

A healthy thickness of such a scar would be between 10 and 13cm!

To keep it short:

After staying in the comfy hospital bed (showering only once per week while sitting on a chair) for 7 weeks with a lot of drips/tubes (very uncomfortable to sleep with) and medication, they planned the c-section at 34+0 weeks as the scar thinned further down to 3cm and they did not want to risk a complete rupture.

So my beautiful baby boy was born at 34+0 weeks with 2600g and 46cm.

Although the nurses and doctors told me he was big and heavy for his week, to me he looked so tiny (my heaviest/biggest was 4830g and 57cm!), in an incubator with lots of tubes sticking out of him and his lungs where not fully developed so that it also looked like he has a whole in the chest.

But after a week they removed almost all tubes and after 2 weeks I was even able to breast feed him. 10 weeks later in total we where allowed home.

Today you wouldn’t know he was premature. He is a healthy wild boy and I love him like all my other children to bits!

I would have loved two more little ones, but the risk of another hidden rupture is just too high and I wouldn’t want my baby to be born under such circumstances (again).


I am back

I have neglected my blog for quite some time now.

And I haven’t even followed/read other blogs either.

All the time I felt tired, rushed and pressured to get all my daily chores done that I just postponed writing as well as running and even exercising. Oh and my diet wasn’t the healthiest either! Still vegan, but even vegans can be very unhealthy.

I never did either of the above before.

Since I have been working in the evenings for over 1 1/2 years, I am constantly sleep deprived and feel unbalanced which lead to an annoying tinnitus, mood swings and laziness to the extend that whenever I had a day off, all I wanted was sleep or watch tv without even have to bat an eyelash, never mind cooking or cleaning…

Oh not to forget the state of myself. Spotty with so huge puffy bags under my eyes, they could reach my knees on a good day!!!

So yes, it is time to get my act together, look after myself and concentrate on the future.

But more about that in my next blog.



My beloved tinnitus…

…I really wished you would go away!

You are not my friend!

I don’t like your thumping sound in my ear!

Especially not when someone is working, hammering or is doing other noisy stuff next to me!

One day I will find a doctor who knows what he/she is doing and that will be your death!

I hope I made myself clear!

And just to clarify it:

You are annoying, you are not welcome and you better leave this instant!

Also no, I do not wish you farewell!